Clapham Omniblog - Feminism and the Front Bottom Agenda

In which Colin and Reg discuss the touchy and multi-faceted subject of feminism

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ehhr see vis burd in ver fackin' Daiwy Miwwah, she derrn't arf lawk a fackin Femmnist.
Col: Corse she ezz a femmnist Reg, worll ett myte nort be fayre ter say itt, baaht eye woona fack it.
Reg: Yeh, enn wye Col, aah mawst orve veze fackin' femmnists lurken sehr fackin' aaglee? Enn sherz dressd aahp lyke a fackin' laybrer wiv a fackin' Dawnkee jakkit orn ernd fackin' daisy roots awn er plates.
Reg: Mybee vat kud be a refoosal ter be enn slayve ter fasshin ind'stree. Baaht eye sees yawr poyn', enn vat fackin' Barnet luks lyke it woz cut by fackin' Steevie Wunda  aater a few Lyte ayles.
Col: Fackin' ell myte, vatted fackin' turn ver fackin' cream sahr, auld Steevie's fackin' lacky ee ern't gawter look at vat fackin' aaglee Boat Race.
Reg: Wheyll, eye reckkins vat yer'd be aahnlyklee ter see a fackin' gud looker femmnist.
Col: Yeh, veeze femmists awl seem ter ave vat fackin' look abaht em lark summat jast pizzed in verr marfs. Worll, vat aynt err bad fing, cause eet least yerze gawt sum sorta erllee woarnin' systimm vat myte aahpflee sayve yer frahm makin' a fackin' baad mystake or a cant awyerself lay'err.
Reg: Yeh, yer cud be dahn Peckhim orve an evenin', say endd yerr cudda bean baahn' ett fackin' Lyte Ayles aw nyte, ernlee ter discuvva ett 'ime, vat yer aynt gerna gertcha knawb wet awr yer skroatim neever.
Col: Etts a fackin' straynge fyng vis femmism, eye means bernin veyr fackin' bras, fackin' nevvar faught vat wun frew did vey? S'problee why vey awl aave saggy frupnees nahr, eh?
Reg: Yeah well yer 'Merican Injuns as it awl sawted, vey darnt need femmism, cause befawr we awlls turned up over verr, vey had a yewtopin lifestyle, gawspel mate. It warz a perfick sercier'ee if yerz luks attit. Enn, vey nevvar add ner fackin' crahym or dicshuns ter drahgs or booze neeva, nawt entill we brort ett all aaver verre.
Col: It worz ver worze vat staahtid awl ovv vis femmism, cos verr bints gawt aht orve veyr aahses endd staahtid wurrkin' in fakr'ies and verr lyke. Enn orve cawse ven  vey woz bean payed fawr it enn vey cud see vat vehr was sumfing mawr ter lyve van jahst bean ern fackin' babay mashine enn skivvee.
Reg: Baaht vat wurnt a bad fing vough, eye finks it givumm sum indypendince, enn sahm sorta lyte aht verr ind orv ver tunnill, aahnlyke voze pawr fackin' byrds warts aht in ver Middull East, places lyke Saggy auld Labyeear and wear veyve gawt vat sharroni lawr. Aah meanz vatz wear yore fackin' Millicent femmists orta fack orf ahta enn der sammin; abaht vehr rytes fawr verr wimmin aht in vat sawter area.
Col: I fink vat verr pennjelum's swung ter farr verr ovva way nahr, enn vey are warn'in mawr van equil shayres. Eye aynt gort nahr prawblim wivv equil iffits fayre, baht vehr warnnin' ver fackin' moon an all, sum orv vese burds. Eye means fayres fayre, baaht arter vat, fack orf! Eh?
Reg: Enn veze femmists ahr bhangen awn abaht ahr veyrse a feared orve gettin' 'tacked, worl, ah mean who verr facks' bovvered abaht vem? Eye'd rarver aave a ham shank ova a fackin' Penn'haase awr summat wear verrs far betta lukkin byrds, enn vats anuvver fing, vey're awl cahvared inn fackin' 'atoos, enn prawblee gawt vehyr fackin jack enn danny's pierced wiv awl sorts a mittil stahff. Mahst be lyke a fackin Mawris darncer eff veyze gawta rahn fawr an baass owr summat.
Col: Caan yer ermajun aavin' ter give vat a bit orve yer Charlie Mingus rahhnd ver auld bull enn bush? Prawblee gawt a fackin' 'airee prudenda lyke a fackin' Ammerzinn rain fawrest eye mean yer's need ter ave fackin' Endyanna Jernes, ter ellp yer ter fahnd her fackin' Clittris, eh?
Reg: Aym nawt shore vat eyd worna, bet vat facking awld Rubicks orv errs derrnt arf niff. Be lahk verr dahstbinns aht Billensgayte in verr summa.
Col: Enn veys aahp fawr terkin yer ter ver awforritees en awl, eye means yer ownlee gawt ter sey vat a burd looks nahse enn ver fackin bitch'll aave yer awp in cawt fur urtt feelins or summat. Vey awta getta fackin' lyfe. Eff et worz a choyze orva burd lyke that or an ham shank, eyed give it sahm maggiking orv ver beans jischewer, laahk vat Garriff 'ahnt yewsed ter der awn vat cawfee advurt fawy yah fackin' Gawld Blehnd. Ett worz problee en curded messige ter vat Dyann Keen ter pull imm awf or summat, or maybe vats wort ee worz 'opin fawr, wheyll, eye wunnent err sed nawr ter vat. 
Reg: Wheyll, vats fer fing Col, eye mean back inver twennies, vem Suffreearrjetts vey'd der summink fackin' aaht rayjuss lahk frowin emmselves aahnder a fackin' awse at ver raycis awr ryden a fackin' buysyckul in fackin' bloomers or verr lyke, eye means awl veeze fackin' burds der nahdayze is fackin' bahnny rabbit abaht aahr fackin' aard dahnbye veyz aahr.
Col: Ackerchewllee, ez awl starten ter backfahr  awn vem, verr's plenny a burdz lyke, vat fink vat vese femmists are a bahnch orv fackin' wingjin cants, strait aahp. Eye means veyze aahr yer sortsa burdz vat yerrd lahklee get a fack orv off aas ter be said, baaht ett jast gahrs ter proov a poyynt vat awlvough veze femmists make a lort orv fackin' noyze, nawt awl wimmin, fank fack, awr fackin' femmists.
Reg: Eye fink ett awl gehrs back ter yer fackin' Millicent Tenency enn yer fackin' Labyerr Par'yy orve yer fackin' orly ay'ees, when awld Footy lawst cawntrawl orv izz par'ee. Enn, venn yore Ginja Winnbaag fackin' Kinnik, ee' carnt rainham inn neeva. Venn yerr add yer burds aht fackin' Greenimm Cawmin enn ett gawt in yer meeja, enn venn evry tina, deedree an 'arriott awl jamps awn verr bleedin' ban' waggin. Enn et givzem an ixkewse fer enny wahn orvem vat aynt normmill oar es a bit orva lezza p'raps? ter aven cawse ter fackin' davote veir 'ime 'oo case nah bloak wiv eeny fackin' sense err wornemm as a gawl frend.
Col: Enn vat fackin' mell awda bryde stahff enn forrin daytin soites azz awl gawt big bizzniss cawse bloaks is looking fawr a bint wots nort gonna be a fackin' frahnt bottim princess.
Reg: Enn voze facking prik teasis worts willen ter let yewse bye emm fackin' Chardnee awl fackin' nyte at sahm fackin' spensive Wahn bawr vat yewsed ter bee a fackin' bank awr summat yewsefull lahke, venn vey facks orf enn err tarxi lay'err, wheyyl, veyrr ver wans aaht wiv verr mates awn a frahday nyte crahn in terr ver fackin' Chardnee' coz nahr bloaks wann nuffin ter do wiv umm. Vey fackin' brawt vat awn emmsells, ennt vey? Backk ter ver fackin' Kit Kat shaffle awr wan orv vemm Ann Sammerses fackin mahlti speed vahbrayters wiv an addid clittris stimmerlater or summat wort eye dah nawr naffink abaht, eh Col?
Col: Vat ez ver nubb orv itt Reg, enn veyze awnlee gawna enn aahp lewsin aaht corse orve vehr aatterchewed, ryte?
Reg: Ryte, ryte enn ear's me fackin' stawp Col! Ta ra myte!

Clapham Omniblog - Robosexuals, Retrosexuals, Metrosexuals and Linda Lovelips

In which Colin and Reg review sex aids from Linda Lovelips to the new robosexuality

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ave a Butcha's at vis, in me Daiwy Miwwa. 
Col: Oh blimey, vat looks tasty!
Reg: Yo fancy it? You kud get lucky mate, dead cert!
Col: You must be avin' a giraffe mate.
Reg: Naah, strait up Col. Ere reed it.
Col: Cowh, sarnds like a sorta bionic Barbie, doanit? Takes yer back ter Linda Lovelips doanit?
Reg: You wan hear a funny story abaht vat?
Col: Goan mate.
Reg: My cuzzin Jeff used ta live dahn Wandswurf, enn eye woz over vere wun ollerday enn we woz dahn ver Wondel which was small river off of ver Thames like, enn we fawt we sore a body floatin.'
Col: Blaahdy ell mate, wot yew do abaaht it ven?
Reg: We wenn up to a call box enn I rings up the Old Bill enn, told'em abaht wot we saw. Enn vey sent ahp a motah lawnch up ver Wandle ter ver pier. So, ver Saarge on ver boaat, he says 'shher as where it is Saan.' Sah, we gets on ver motah launch , enn we motahs dahn vere. Ennyway, cut a long story, we shows imm wheyre we saw it enn he gets a gaffer 'ook awf ve boat ryte, enn he pulls it in. We were fackin' shit scared cos we fawt it was a body, enn we was only about twelve or summat. Saah, he gets it aapon ve old gaff, enn turns aht its only a fackin' Linda Lovelips blow up dawll vat's fallen in ver warter. We felt a ryyte pair o' cants. Anyway, he was pretty good abaht it and vey woz all larrfin on ver boat, we didn't know why. Ennyway, vey drops us back on ver pier on ver Wandle and vat was vat. That's all. 
Col: Well, least it wernt a real ooman body, dew member they woz advertizin vose in ver Exchange and Maart? Vey woz a bit like the old Mark Free Fawd Cor'inna, coz you had an X, XL or GXL Fawd Cor'inna end, you ad yer Linda Lovelips wiv a realistic first class diner, marf and aynuss if you woz goan for the deluxe moddill. Plus end I say plus, it kud ave sum realistic Lionel Blair.
Reg: Dew reckkin, vat enneywun eva tested vat in cawt wiv Tradin' Standids? I mean, eye aynt gawt ver best pair of mincers on ver planet but even eye, wiv me myopic condichun can see vat a plaaastic vagyna aynt ever not gonnabe as realistic as an ooman wun. Eye mean, eye'd be quoyte 'appy jus to ave ver realistic vagyna. Callin' at ver Tradesman's ent'rance aynt my cuppa Rosie Lee. But eye challenje any norrmall sorta purrson ter agree vat a piece orv melted plaaastic is in enny shape or fawm, a viable end realistic substitute for a real vagyna. Eye rests me case.
Col: Eye fink it wood be fayer ter say vat it wood be differcult ter dissergree wiv ya on vat score. Its nah surprize vat nah wun aas eva brought such a case to cawt.
Reg: Yew say vat, buuut, ver woz eye sore, anuvver vershun of Linda or summit lyke it, wiv an vibraytin Vagyna.
Col: Aah realistic wors that wun then?
Reg: I don't remember mate, it was 1979, it woz in an Exchange end Maart sumwun left in ver karzi at work.
Col: Coz yew kud ownly buy vese from eiver an add in verr Exhange and Maart or from a licenced sex shop, you know like the one up Plumsted Common Rahd, ver wun wiv all the winders all blacked aaht witch eye yewsed ter go parst on ver way ter ver Pox Clinic.
Reg: Sar, vis fackin' licence venn, woz vat lyke aavvin ann Caar licence venn? Eye mean, did yer ave ter get a fackin' prervissional furst or summat? Eye mean if yer ayn't gawt ver propah license lyke, did yer have ter ave sum facker wiv ya at ver caahnta when yew was sellin summan a fackin dilder or summat? Well, eye dunno. Eye mean, woz it lyke avvin ter ave Ell Playtes upp or summat enn avvin some facker wiv ya when yew was aht drivin as Lurner?
Col: Eye dunno, but isle tell yer summit, eye fawt eye was bein add wun tyme oi got me copy orve ver Exchange enn Maarrt. Eye add ter chek it wurnt April ver fackin' furst.
Reg: Well, wot 'append mayte?
Col: Eye turns to ver adult secshun enn I sore vis add fawr ver Lunnon Tee Vee Cenner, sellin' coschewmes, raight. So, eye fawt, raight, Lunnon TeeVee Cenner enn it add a dubbleyer twelve post code enn a Wood Lane address, loyke wot Valerie Singleton ewsed to give aaht on vose Bloo Peater appeals in ver fackin' sevenies. Sah,eye fawt vis looked lyke ver BeeBeeCee woz 'avvin' a bit of a clear ahht of summov ver auld woardrobe stuff, rayse a bit of ackers or summat. Buutt, when eye looks a clahser, s'only a fackin' trannies bleedin' olesale boo'eeq, innit? Eye felt a ryte cant for a minnit. Nota real woomin's cant, eye might add. Unfawchewnatelee.
Reg: Well, sex shops as moved on vese days Col. I mean Aaaan Summaz is mainstream, 'sin ver bleedin' igh street naw. 
Col: Yew seen ver stuff vey got? I fahnd a coppy of one of vehr catalogez dahn ver kannal toe parves over ver weekend. Fackin' ell, vey've got some stuff. Eye mean ter say, ver old dayze of sum sorta plaaastic representayshun of a mayle phallis witch yer bunged in a cupple of Ever Ready HP sevins fawr your old lady ter mess arahnd wiv, s'all gone mayte, veyve got USB chargeable fings nahr.
Reg: Weyll, eye add a simmiler experience lyke wiv yore Exchange enn Maart, cos I saw sum books advver'ized in Penthaase in wun ov vem block adds, enn I fawt vese two bloaks azz been bizzy wry'inn, enn vey look lyke fackin' exspurts ohn sex. Fawteen books adver'ised enn, eye fawt vey'd writtenem all. Until I realised vat Frank & Explicit woz a warnin' to ver vooer aaand nawt ver names ov ver fackin; awfers.
Col: Ere, Reg, yew remeba vat fillm wiv Mel Smiff innit, Willt, wann it? He was un Detectivv, Enn ee woz convinced vat 'enry Wilt played by Griff Rees wosisname  'ad dun 'iz ole lady inn, enn 'ee add berried err in a fackin' hole on ver Collidge wear he was lecherer.
Reg: Yew mean lectcherer Col?
Col: Is vere enny fackin' diff'rence?
Reg: Fack noze, I nevva went ter collidge. Go on.
Col: Enny har, ver Mel Smiff carotter, ee azz vis facking load of reinfawced concrit dug awp, coz he rekkins vat Wilty azz put his auld woman dahn ver fackin' hole. Only, wot it iz ackerchewlly, iz er fackin' Linda fackin' Lovelips wiv aan eye qwoat an realistic Vagyna enn anynuss.
Reg: Wiv ver vybryater?
Col: It woz nevva menshunned. Sah Reg enn er rahndabaht way, wood yew aave sex wivv a fackin' rowbot?
Reg: Wehll, putt it vis way Col, eyed ravver aaave sex wivv er fackin' rowbot venn, wun vat was ann awddenree rowbot. Eye do aave standids.
Col: It sez inn eer ryte in yer Miwwa artikel, vat yew can desighn wot she looks lyke, dahn ter her boat race and allsorts. Eye mene, if yewse gonna spend aht ten fowsand pahnds awn a fackin' silicone Sally, yewse mite as well avve yerself suffink  yer finds attractive.
Reg: Wehll, vis all starts ter get er bitt confusin, coz ver's all vese sorts er genders stuff nah, eye mene, it aynt nah longer Maan and Womaan, vers all vese ovvar tyapes of options, lyke Metrersexules enn nahr rober sexules. Eye mene, where's it gonna end? Retrersexules, they just look upp ole girlfriends, eye erd.
Col: Wehll, verr iz tork vat oomans myte seize ter exist, enn, we myte aaave awr brayns traansplan'ed inner oomanoid cider body shell, lyke on Docter ooo, wot ver cidermen are mayde lyke.
Reg: Yeah, wehll I spoze vat in vat case, long as yer got yer supply ov spare parts, yer kud live for evva?
Col: Well, vere's a fackin fawt ven, ay? Ere's me stop ta ra Reg.