Film Reviews 4U: The Professionals TV Series

 

Film Reviews 4U: The Professionals TV Series

The Professionals:

Another hit series from the great Brian Clemens

Those of you around in the 1970's or who are interested in classic television will know who Brian Clemens and the Professionals were.

With the popular ITV Crime series the Sweeney coming to an end in 1978, ITV were looking for another fictional hit series to fill the slot. Cue Writer and Creator of the ABC Avengers and ITV "Thriller" Series Brian Clemens, who was asked to come up with a production to fill the television void that would be left by the Sweeney. Clemens had a string of hits in film and television to his name and could be relied upon for a quality product.

Whilst fictional Police dramas had filled the screens for many years since television became widespread in the 1950's, there was also a niche for programs featuring the unorthodox worlds of private investigation and espionage work. Series like Danger man, The Strange report and the Prisoner fell into that bracket.

The Avengers a series that Brian Clemens produced and also wrote for leading to the 1975 re-boot of the series as The New Avengers, perhaps brought Clemens into view as the writer for the Professionals. 

With the Avengers, Clemens had left the production late on, but was brought back in to rewrite some episodes to finish the last series. A situation he would later see in the Professionals and had also done earlier in 'Thriller'.

Rather than create another clone of the Sweeney for ITV to counter the BBC's Z Cars, it was decided to go 'underground' for ITV's next venture. Something the BBC would come back with as a counter to the Professionals was in the 'Target' series starring Patrick Mower, although that only lasted for one series. 

Target was of some merit, but lacked the triumvirate of the leading roles as the Professionals had. Its place was taken by Shoestring and later by Bergerac, which hit its stride as the Professionals bowed out.

Martin Shaw as Doyle with Lewis Collins as Bodie

Forming the Professionals

Martin Shaw was lined up for one of the lead roles with Anthony Andrews a friend of Shaw, slated to be the other male lead actor. Gordon Jackson, fresh off the role of Hudson the Butler in the popular ITV drama 'Upstairs Downstairs' took the role of George Cowley, who headed the fictional 'CI5' organisation that provided the hub idea Clemens originated for the program.

'CI5' were envisaged as an armed version of MI5, however it might be more accurate to compare CI5 to the some of the work of the real undercover SAS 14th Intelligence Company unit, in some ways as a yardstick. Also known as 'The DET' the 14th was a highly secret unit that works undercover inside the UK area.

The back story for the Professionals had Martin Shaw as Ray Doyle an ex Metropolitan Police Officer, Lewis Collins as William Bodie, ex Paratrooper and SAS Solider and Gordon Jackson as George Cowley, the former Army Major and then later mover and shaker in the Security Services, where he was approached to form CI5.

Cowley was an unorthodox operator who did not always care whose toes he trod on to get the job done and this added a good edge to the series. Gordon Jackson had enjoyed a varied film and television career and was in the film the Ipcress File with Michael Caine. 

Brian Clemens had seen Martin Shaw and Lewis Collins appear in an episode of the New Avengers where they had not bonded as actors on the set, although sharing a connected role. This was the reason that Clemens gave the role to Lewis Collins, rather than use Anthony Andrews. 

Clemens saw the friction between the actors as a thread to play on through the series.  

Although Martin Shaw has said that later he and Lewis Collins became friends, they kept the slight antagonism going as a theme throughout some of the series episodes. Perhaps it only existed on that Avengers episode. Actually, this casting made the series really work in that respect, and worked better than if the relationship had been too 'chummy' between Anthony Andrews and Shaw.

In the ITV series Special Branch, the lead roles were initially antagonistic but then blended together and worked well although the lead characters changed around. The fact that Bodie and Doyle in the series often relied on each other to be in the right place at the right time for each other was another key part, which Clemens crafted brilliantly. The continuity of Bodie and Doyle from day one to the end also made the series work well.

At the time of production of the Professionals series, plenty of the 'unseen' people of the intelligence service and those in the civil service and government had served in WW2 with the forces, people like Airey Neave, Willie Whitelaw, Jim Callaghan, Peter Carrington, Dennis Healey and others -  the 'old guard' was now engaged in a new war against the IRA, foreign terrorists and also those inside Britain looking to cause disruption such as student anarchists.

The heart of CI5 - Doyle, Cowley and Bodie

Brian Clemens - Writer and Producer

Brian Clemens had initially built the concept and written some of the Professionals episodes and then put out other themes and storylines for episodes to other writers, once the initial cloth of the series had been woven to establish the style of the series.

Clearly, Clemens knew what he was trying to achieve with his idea and then rewrote some of the submitted and farmed out scripts produced for ITV by the guest writers to bring them more into line with his vision.

We see famous writer's names from other productions crop up in the credits such as Ranald Graham and Ted Childs both veterans of the Sweeney series, amongst others cropping up as episode authors as well as Tony Barwick (UFO), Paul Wheeler (Bergerac), Dennis Spooner (Bergerac) and Gerry O'Hara to mention but a few.

A 1970's time capsule in one picture!

In production

Like The Sweeney, the Professionals came in for criticism for the violence used in it (often from campaigner Mary Whitehouse). Although fairly tame by today's standards, the action reflects the world that these characters would have operated in in real life, the driving scenes were sometimes a bit wild, to put it mildly.

The Professionals centred mainly on Bodie, Doyle and Cowley, with a few 'colleague' characters like Murphy that reoccur throughout the programs. With program themes ranging from close protection, surveillance, finding those who want to remain unfound and preventing crimes, or detecting crimes the series episodes kept the three very busy over the three years of production.

Famous guest actors

Like the Sweeney and Fawlty Towers, many successful actors of the day wanted to get a part in an episode, the Professionals was no different, some familiar faces of the day included: Pamela Stephenson (Hazel, Not the nine o'clock News), Trevor Adams (Reginald Perrin), Geoffrey Palmer, Del Henney, Carol Royle (Hi-de-Hi, Bergerac), Art Malik (Bergerac, Jewel in the Crown), Derek Francis (Heartbeat), Nick Brimble (Sweeney), Tony Caunter (Sweeney, Eastenders), Arthur Treacher (Sweeney, Eastenders), Keith Barron (Duty Free, Take me Home), David Suchet (Poirot), Roger Lloyd Pack (Only fools and Horses, Morse) Maurice Denham (Edgar Wallce mysteries), Michael Kitchen (Foyle's War, Morse), Larry Lamb (Triangle), Michael Coles (Edgar Wallace Mysteries, The Sweeney), Stanley Meadows (Victim, Edgar Wallace Mysteries), Morris Perry (Special Branch, The Sweeney) and many others.

The Bodie and Doyle Ford Capris

The cars also stars

Like the Sweeney, the cars in the series featured heavily, with Doyle first driving a Ford Escort RS2000, Bodie had a V6 3 Litre Ford Capri and Cowley a 2.8 Granada, later Bodie graduated to a Gold Ford Capri S. 

Sundry other stock 'Euston films' type Fords turn up, a couple of 'coke Bottle' Mk3 Cortinas in Blue and White (likely off the Sweeney roster along with an apple green Escort 1.3 can be seen in the episodes.

It is quite fun to spot the then current vehicles of the era, most of which are now memories and very few preserved for today's classic vehicle operators to enjoy. The street scenes are fun to look at for those old makes and models long gone to a rusty valhalla.

Often very run down parts of London were used for the filming locations, many now long redeveloped, we see old factory units and industrial units now likely long gone, so it is interesting to see old London as it was.

There was no shortage of lairy driving!

The cars though have survived!

The episodes themes

The premise of the series was that CI5 took the jobs outside of the remit of MI5 or the Police. They often acted on the instructions of the government or from MI5. The episodes are well written and varied. They, like much classic television of the time do stand up well even though now half a century old.

After the series ended Martin Shaw felt that the series had limited him professionally in what he was offered, this can often happen when you are in a successful series, it can be a double edged sword, although Lewis Collins seemed well enough at home in the film 'Who dares Wins' in 1982 which was very good and was made after the Professionals series ended.

Martin Shaw was later cast in the Inspector Dalgleish series taking over from Roy Marsden and later played the lead in the George Gently television series, which was successful.

Whilst a famous series can result in typecasting, it is often a price that actors pay, John Nettles who liked to work in Shakespeare had success in Bergerac, later for many years in Midsomer Murders, Mark Williams a fellow Shakespearean actor found great success with the Fast Show comedy series, but later also found success in the Father Brown series, whilst success can be a double edge sword for some actors, it can lead to other great things.

Often those chance role offers can lead to many other avenues opening up.

Lewis Collins did want to get into the real life SAS but it was felt that his face was too well known, he later went to America where he enjoyed success.

Doyle's Ford Escort RS2000

Rare then, commanding high prices on the classic car market now

The series in retrospect

Looking back half a century on at the Professionals, if you grew up in the 1970's you'll see a lot that you recognise like Skol Lager, the fashions, the 1970's! how different things were and looked then. I suppose it is a nostalgic retrospective exercise to review this series but it does show how much things have changed.

The remastered DVD complete Series is available on Amazon as a box set. This is well worth a watch!

The film restoration is great, the colours are good and the whole production is really good. It is of its time, this is how it was and it is a world long gone but for which we sometimes yearn for.

Film & TV Reviews 4U - The Edgar Wallace Mysteries

 

Film & TV Reviews 4U - The Edgar Wallace Mysteries

The Edgar Wallace Mysteries were made for television from 1959-65 as one hour programs. The early films were produced by Independent Artists and the later by Merton Park film studios.

The theme tune by Michael Carr started the programs and there were around four versions of the main theme over the time of the productions. The early version is orchestral and quite 'mysterioso' in style, the later version was more upbeat and modern sounding with a guitar lead reflecting the popularity of guitar instrumental music.

It was recorded as a chart single in 1960 by the Shadows, Cliff Richard's backing group who had a No.1 hit with the track. The Shadows were the most successful guitar instrumental band in the 1960's and beyond.

The No.1 Hit by the Shadows - the Sheet Music

A number of composers were brought in to provide background incidental music, one being Ron Goodwin, who would find fame later in the decade with this film scores.

The Shadows in 1960

Behind the camera the episodes were crafted by a range of names that would come to the fore later in the 'golden age' of television, writers like Gerald Glaister who wrote the Secret Army and Kessler series, Robert Tronson who would go on to direct episodes in the Bergerac TV series and the episode credits read like a foretelling of future fame and fortune.

Lobby Card from the 'Flat 2' Episode

The Edgar Wallace episodes featured many actors who would later go on to greater things, there are also some quite spooky connections to, with actors who would later appear together in the future or be directed by people in the Edgar Wallace episodes they would later work with on other productions.

John Thaw, later to appear in the Sweeney worked with Brian Mc Dermott and Lee Montague in an episode 'five to 1' - Brian Mc Dermott played Ken Agar in a Sweeney episode, Lee Montague played Kibber in a Sweeney episode and also in 'Regan', the pilot episode that was the test film for the Sweeney as part of the 'Armchair Theatre' type films for television.

Garfield Morgan also appears in one episode, later to play Frank Haskins in the Sweeney, Michael Robbins and John Colin, appear together with John Thaw, Michael Coles was another who appeared in the Sweeney series and in the first Sweeney film - all four would cross paths in the Sweeney in later years.

Besides the episodes filmed, a number of 'fillers' episodes were made to be used to package the films for sale outside of the UK. In the DVD Box set the fillers were also included as extras on disc 3 in each DVD case.

Besides the obvious connector actors, the casts often featured many 'B movie' actors of the time and people who would populate television for the next twenty or thirty years, John Le Mesurier who would appear in many productions, most famous in Dad's army as an example who appeared in one episode.

Many character actors would also appear in the episodes who would go onto appear in television for the next twenty years such as Wilfred Bramble, Peter Barkworth and Maurice Denham.

The acting is good, the scripts are tightly written and the action is pacy. The old street scenes and backdrops of a world now long in the past are worth a look at, some of the locations lost to redevelopment, the old vehicles now only driven by enthusiasts, aeroplanes and trains lost to progress and a way of life to look back on.

Many of the locations are quite easy to spot, even later on, some like a boat yard that was used in the 70's in the Professionals series in one scene. Chobham was used in one episode with the Common in one episode and a house off the road that runs near to the village in the same episode.

Watch out for the cars too in the episodes and some frequently appear in more than one episode, a 1961 E Type Jaguar fresh out of the showroom appears in a couple of episodes, a Sunbeam Alpine crops up in at least three episodes, a Triumph Herald, a Citroen DS , A Bentley, Humber Estate and an Austin A60 Cambridge - just for a few cars for you to look out for if you have the box set of episodes.

The black and white film used on these episodes makes them atmospheric and they have that old 'B movie noir' quality. With AI, it would be interested to see these in converted colour.

Great nostalgia and worth watching for the historical scenes!

In the era, the strong message that 'crime does not pay' was an edict that the script writers had to adhere to and even though until 1965 the crime of murder could be punishable by hanging, it is interesting just how many of the episodes feature loss of life that could have led to the rope. 

However, the episodes are fictional, but nonetheless features some great writing and ideas, with some interesting plots.

Merton Park Studios was just one of a small number of studios making these productions, Butchers Films and Lion Films were other companies. 

Music Reviews 4U - Cool for Cats by Squeeze

 

Music Reviews 4U - Cool for Cats by Squeeze

The Iconic single Cool for Cats by Squeeze

Recorded in 1978 and launched onto the UK pop charts in March 1979, this second chart single from Squeeze hit the No.2 chart position and was certainly good enough to have been the chart topper at the No1 slot.

Chris Difford has a rare outing on lead vocals and the 'cool for cats' spelt out in musical notes sounds provides a nice little leitmotif, as Jools Holland might say.

The Cool for Cats era lineup features Harri Kakouli on Bass

The song is a bit of Pub Rocker in the sound that comes off the record and it reflects the area it was written in or about - that was Deptford, South East London. The song featured on the '45's and Under' compilation album which I've reviewed earlier and it is one of their songs which are personal favourites of mine.

The song has great musicality and even played on the radio all these years later it sounds great and takes you back to the Top of the Pops video with the 'dancing girls' as everyone remembers in the song.

The song verses seem to follow small themes or vignettes, variously centred around old cowboy films, the Flying Squad, pubs and casual sex. In a nutshell. 

The song title Cool for Cats references a music show for the young which was aired in the mid 1950's until 1961 and hosted by Kent Walton, a middle aged sports commentator who found his greatest fame perhaps in hosting the ITV World of Sport Wrestling slot on a Saturday afternoon. 

Still from Summer Holiday 1963 with Cliff Richard

singing the hit Bachelor Boy, somewhat ironically as he never married

Una Stubbs appeared in this film which provides a thread to Glenn Tilbrook

There's a connection of sorts here to the Cool for Cats show in that Glenn Tilbrook was taken to see the film Summer Holiday featuring Cliff Richard and the Shadows in 1963, when they were at the height of their fame - Tilbrook from seeing the instrumental band the Shadows play on the film, was thus inspired to learn the guitar.

Una Stubbs an actress in the Summer Holiday film, was one of the dancers on the Cool for Cats program, who suggested Cliff Richard for the part in the Summer Holiday film, which gives a great set of connections and coincidences linking the program to the song!

'The dancing girls' who appeared on Squeeze's  

Top of the Pops performance of the hit song

Verse one references Davy Crockett,  with 1950's Westerns, popular in cinemas at the time Difford and Tilbrook were young kids in the late 1950's and cinemas often put on cheap ticket Saturday morning screenings for children. Usually on the bill were cartoons and American 1950's Westerns, Davy Crockett was a popular Western made in the 1950's.

Dennis Waterman and John Thaw as Carter and Regan

in the iconic ITV 'The Sweeney' series running from 1974-78

Verse two references the Metropolitan Police's Flying Squad known as 'the Sweeney' rhyming slang for Sweeney Todd, Flying Squad. The Sweeney specialise in going after armed robbers or 'Blaggers' as they are known in the trade. South London was somewhat awash with Blaggers.

The lyrics of verse 2 with the line 'in and out of Wandsworth with the numbers on their names' are a reference to the frequency of the Blaggers being in and out of the South London Wandsworth prison on remand for their 'jobs', the 'numbers' being the offences they were nicked for, usually armed robbery and the like. So now you know.

(Dennis Waterman who was in the Sweeney was also in a film called 'Up the Junction' in 1966 which was also one of the song titles on the '45's and Under' Squeeze album.)

The reference to 'a couple of likely lads that swear like how's your father' is real London lingo, 'how's your Father' being a slang term for fornication, more succinctly an oblique reference to a short four letter word describing sex beginning with 'F'. So 'swearing like f---k' has perhaps been sanitised for the lyrics and the line quoted in the song actually works nicely.

Singles bars and pubs were often used to pickup 

people for casual sex - before AIDS came on the scene

Verse 3 documents the efforts of a single young man 'posing down the pub' - looking smartly dressed and available, hoping to pickup a woman for casual sex. The world then was different and the one night stand on a Saturday night was often the norm for many young people. People openly lived together then, the stigma of this was now mostly long gone.

The line 'all I get is bitter and a nasty little rash' alludes to the young man's results of his endeavours finding a few days after his Saturday night efforts that he has contracted a minor sexually transmitted disease, whether the Bitter beer was lousy or the fact he is bitter in reflection of disappointing sex is open to interpretation.

In late 1985 the AIDS virus transmitted by sex, became well known and was fatal, and a national concern which many now seem to have forgotten but claimed the lives of celebrities like Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett.

The Disco was a staple of the 1970's and 80's singles scene

after the hit film 'Saturday Night fever' brought the Disco

back into fashion again

Verse 4 finds our hero going a bit more upmarket in his 'conquest for congress' and picking up a young lady in a Disco. The lyrics 'I'm invited in for coffee and I give the dog a bone' has nothing to do with pet dogs and is a euphemism for sex ' giving her a boning , 'inviting in for coffee' was often an invitation for a bit of 'how's your Father' as we found out earlier.

'Giving the dog a bone' was a rather in poor taste by suggesting the 'dog' was a young lady who might not be very good looking but was up for a bit of uncomplicated sex, the bone was a male member and you can guess the rest.

'Seeing her later and giving her some old chat' was a throwaway 'thank you and goodnight' which the young shagger would say as a parting message and likely never see the woman again.

If you've ever seen pub rock bands in the 70's and 80's then this song is just like watching one of those bands at the time, it certainly brings back memories for me when I hear the song, having been around in the 80's as a teenager and in a band ironically with some old school friends that had since managed to escape the education system at 16 and played in a London pub in Richmond.

The song is cleverly potted and packaged nostalgia for London Boozers (Pubs), uncomplicated sex and when the Ford Capri was commonplace on the streets, often driven by a young chancer looking for a bit of easy 'how's your father.' Happy days.

The genius of The Sweeney

Dennis Waterman and John Thaw in the Sweeney

Having nicked a gang of hardcore slags enjoy a post-pagga Players No6

In 1974, the television portrayal of the Police took a new turn. Gone were the cosy days of Z Cars and Dixon of Dock Green, BBC TV's stalwarts of tea-time level television and suitable for all. The era of bumbling Bobbies on the beat pushing bicycles was on the verge of becoming all over, lost in soft focus nostalgia and wouldn't be revived until the Heartbeat series of the mid 1980's.

ITV's Armchair Cinema productions in 1973, spawned 'Regan' -

the prototype of what would become 'The Sweeney.'

In came something new, more exciting, grittier and hard edged. The Sweeney.

The Sweeney evolved from an Ian Kennedy-Martin script called 'Regan,' a 90 minute ITV Armchair Cinema episode screened in 1973, that starred John Thaw as 'Regan', A Detective Inspector of the Metropolitan Police Flying Squad.

What is interesting to observe, is that if you stand back from it and analyse it, that the acting is superb as is the production. It is pretty much a seamless transition, when you compare it to the later 'Sweeney' series made from 1974-1978. It is like they walked off the 'Regan' set and on to the 'Sweeney' set.

That they got so much of Regan 'right' is testament to the quality of the actors as well as the script. This was the golden era of British television and with directors like Ted Childs used on the episodes. Ted Childs would later go on to the Morse series also starting John Thaw.

Having worked with the real Squad a couple of times when I was in the Police service, I can say that they are a different breed of officer. John Thaw's portrayal of a Flying Squad DI additionally far removed from that of the well dressed senior Detective,say someone such as Len 'Nipper' Reed of the Krays era, from only a few years back from the 70's.

Of course Len Reed was factual, whilst Regan was a representation, but likely drawn from the actors observing the real thing at hand. The service did need a good news story as there was a major anti-corruption drive in the early 1970's which often made headlines, for the wrong reasons.

The Flying Squad Ford Consul -

frequently driven hard in pursuit of the Scrotes

It wasn't just the suits that were different, it was the cars. Gone was the softly, softly approach of the Ford Anglia or Morris Minor Panda car, more a grab the collar unmarked 2 litre Ford Granada. The cars were driven hard, the chases more dangerous and often the outcomes were often not good.

Jack Warner as Sgt George Dixon -  a world away from the Sweeney

But this was a reflection of the way that things were in reality. This wasn't the cosy and chummy George Dixon world, this was the world of hardcore slags who often used weapons and drove to get away at any cost.

Hardcore Slags intercepted by the Sweeney

The era was notorious for armed robberies. With much cash carried to pay weekly wages, these were the days long before electronic banking was as widespread to the degree it is today. Any armoured (likely) Ford Transit van was therefore a Golden Goose, just waiting to be cornered by some hardcore slags, likely in a Mk2 Jaguar. Which was probably nicked.

There was more cash about in those days, bank notes were also destroyed after a set length of use and often these shipments for the incinerator were targeted by the armed blaggers of the day.

But going back to the series:

The Sweeney worked on a number of levels, a top quality cast that fitted together well, great acting, excellent script writing, exciting action, great camerawork, in fact every aspect was there. But, it was all done on a shoe string budget, with little flexibility for a take 2.

Often the episodes packed more into the first 5 minute 'taster' section than many progams did in 30 minutes. Each program sector was shot to provide a 15 minute or so window, between commercial breaks, as this series was shot for the ITV market, which was then Britain's only commercial TV station. Seems so long ago.

Jack Regan often came into conflict with his superiors

The Sweeney (and Regan) also showed something new, disrespect for authority in the job. Jack Regan was forever falling foul of his superiors and bending the rules to get results. The thing was that we were all on his side. We wanted him to rough up the blaggers, to nick them, to see the law was upheld. They didn't always win of course, like real life, but you know the types and they'll always come back for another go.

The series attracted some well known actors - like Diana Dors, here

and often gave the spotlight to then lesser known young actors, such as Ray Winstone

Hardcore action as in the episode 'thou shalt not kill'

one of the best episodes in my opinion

It was years later that I watched the Sweeney, as it was deemed 'unsuitable' when I was young and first shown. Funnily enough, a number of locations where I lived at the time of filming were often only a couple of streets away from where I was living or at school.

Indeed, when I was in the Police service years later, I had the job for about an hour to keep the traffic away from outside of a betting shop where ITV were filming a scene for Minder with Dennis Waterman, in about 1993 I recall. I felt like going up to him and saying 'You're nicked Sunbeam' for a joke, but he didn't look too happy, probably because it was chucking it down with rain, so I didn't.

Me doing some film extra work for television

The Sweeney has become a landmark of British television which also spawned two feature films. Looking back at some of the old episodes, we often see unknowns credited or not making appearances in the episodes, along side the seasoned actors, many of whom are now household names.

Although the Sweeney franchise finished in 1978, it could have done another season I feel. The acting was strong, the writing was consistently good, but perhaps John Thaw and others did not want to become typecast? Having been at it for four years of almost constant filming, I suppose we have to accept that they felt the series had come to its end.

We cannot go back and change that, but we do have a wealth of good episodes to watch. It is interesting to look at those old episodes and see how the world has changed, along with the fashions and the cars. Some of it is dated. Well, it all is really. But that gives it some nostalgic charm. Some may yearn for those uncomplicated days, some don't.

John Thaw later had a successful run as Inspector Morse

In this case, he drove a Mk2 Jaguar, rather than chased them

Post Sweeney, the big name actors had perhaps little trouble finding work in the post Sweeney years, the series has been repeated and likely continues to find appeal abroad. The quality of acting and the success of the episodes over 4 years guaranteed work and was a good line on the actor's CV.

Dennis Waterman went off to do the Minder series and other successful series mostly for ITV, John Thaw then starred in the legal drama Kavanagh QC, before his long run in the Inspector Morse series.

John Thaw played the Inspector Morse character differently to his Regan of the Sweeney days. Although, Morse still retains his ability to go off piste and ignore authority, frequently exasperating poor old Superintendent Strange in the process.

Sadly John Thaw succumbed to cancer, but the Morse series metamorphosed in to Lewis, with Morse's sidekick Kevin Whateley playing Sgt Lewis, promoted to Inspector Lewis and continuing the good work around Oxford.

Forty years on, the series still look good.

Clapham Omniblog - Shirt Street Order - Crime and Policing in London

In which Colin and Reg review the changing face of policing in London

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere I wuz up in mee lorft ver uvva day, enn ay cums acrawss enn auld phoater of me auwld man when ee woz in ver Old Bill dahn enn Rovverive.
Col: Fack me, vat mustav bin a few years back? 
Reg: Corse, ver fayce orv Pleecin aas changed since ee woz on ver beet. Avv a butcha's at vis in me Daylee Miwwa.
Col: Fack me, looks like bleedin Robercop!
Reg: That's a byrd mayte!
Col: Yer avinn' a giraffe mate, gotta be a bloak, gotta gan an all.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd innit, ere look, yer can see oyeloyna.
Col: Maybe itz wun of vem bloaks oo carnt decide, eye mene ennyfing seems ter go vese dayze, dunnit? Veyer tayekin allsorts, gotter, all vis plitikal crektniss shit.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd, it sez eere in ver payepa.
Col: Fack me yewze ryte. Well eye nevva. Yew carnt tell, under vat ellmet ann all vat sorta army clobba.
Reg: When my ole man started wiv ver Met, ee add ter wear a fackin; chewnick in all wevvers. Musta been bleedin sweltrin' in ver fackin' summer, coz we used ter ave sam fackin' blinders in vose days. All ee add woz a trunchin an a fackin wissel.Ee nevva add a fackin' gan or wun of em' Teezer's vey got nahrdayze.
Col: Eye rememeba vat vey usta ave Caypes an all.
Reg: My ole man got aht in ver late sixtees and ee sed wot a relief it woz ter be able ter onlee ave ter ware a dicky in ver summa, ahht on ver beat. Come May it was shirt street order, nah fackin' chewnicks if it were too bleedin' ott, tayke it orff. Bleedin Gawdsend he rekkind.
Col: Well, ver wurnt ver crime abaht woz there? Eye mene rahnd ere ver lydd was wellan trulee kept onnit, Dahn Befnul Green, you dinn step outta lyne not wiv vose Krayze abaht. Vey din call it Deff Knell Green fawr nuffink.
Eye mene, vey sorted aht veyre own problms aaht. Eye mene, if yew called wunuvemm a big fat poof in a packed East End Boozer, yer'd llyleky get yer awld noggin blown orff.
Reg: Ayn yew look at ow vese Koppas is dressed naw, eye mean, my auld mann, ee fawt vat chewnick looked real smart, even if it was bleedin' hot ter ware some'imes.
Col: Nahrdayze, vey got sum sorta 'quipment belt on emm, lyke suffink wot Bahtmann wore. Fackin' utilli'ee belt. Member vat frawm Batman on ver telly? Eye mene, Dixon of Dock Green it ain't.
Reg: Eye fink ver Sweeni on ver Tee Vee wors ter blame fawr it. Eye mene, croyme woz all old skule sorta stuff un'ill vey awl started ridin' rahnd in fackin' motahs, dryvin lyke fackin' maniacs. Eye mene, its ownlee gonna encourij ver scrotes ter copy it. Ennit?
Col: Well, ewe aynt gettin' ver waygis trux rahnd lyke yer ewsed ter. Sah, ver ayn't ver armd robbris vat ver ewsed ter bee in ver Sweeney dayze. Eye mene, we aull get payd lectronically mostly, nahr. Eye mene, wot security trux ver is, aaht ver, really carry fack all bangers end mash, not lyke in ver auld dayze, back inver fackin' seven'ees when veyze was bloated wiv ackers.
Reg: Yew saw an ole Mark two Jaag ven, ten 'err wun, it was sum tasty Geeza's aaght on a blagg or suffink. In vose dayze, vey wus just arskin' ter get a tug from the auld Bill. Nahr, it's all vis cider crime, on-lyne or forrin pick pockits, I aynt racist, butt it az ter be said. Yer look at all ver stertistiks, eye mene ver true wuns wot vey doant 'ide, cos vey's not plitiklly crect.
Col: I fink vats been arf ov ver problem, I fink vey've bin covrin up whooz really doing ver crymes aand eye fink veyve binn usin' efnic mynory'ees stuff as en excewse, iz backfard on'emm.
Reg: But yo fink abaht it, when vose Oognoses came to ver East Ennd from Frahnce, ver was nevva enny Barney Rubble? Moast ovv'em were skilled people loike, taylers and silversmiffs end vat sorta stuff. Vey nevva add ter resawort ter cryme, coz vey aad a fackin' trayde.
Col: Well, eye fink itz ull ver politishun's fawlt, vey've gawn soorft on cryme aahnd it ayn' bleedin' worked, azzit? Yew luk aaat Saaadier Rabia, eend if yewze gets in a bit a foam and bubble over there,  yule probly get yer aand cut awf or summit. Eye mene, itza bit extreme, baaht it doant stoppem doin' ver crymes duzzit? Its vat Sharonni law innit?
Reg: An murdah's common nahr, eye mene sum kid gets stabbd aahp Plarstow last week and nahr wun takes enny fakkin' nowtice. Baht ver same as if yer dog left a turd on the pavement, eye mene in ver auld days, summon wood 'ave ticked yer orff fawr that, nahrdayze, they doant givva fack. Nahr wun spekes ter each over, itz very sad mate.
Col: Eye fink itz gotter gaw full cyrkull. I fink Willie Whitelaw was right, short sharp shock. Aand Normin Tebbit, he was rite, 'Get on yer Byke' sorta attichewed. Eye mene, these peepull ave it all too bleedin' easy. Vey orta 'ave ter get aht ver enn do suffink for ve ackers theys getz.
Reg: Doant yew fink its veyrr 'ome lyfe ter blame?
Col: Well, vats wot awl yer fackin' sosheollergists make aht. Eye fink veyre ull tulkin bollux. Eye fink vey eynt gotter fackin' Scooby to be onnest. Vey fink corse vey gotter fackin' universe'ee fackin' dergree, vat vey got awl ver fackin' arnsers. Vey shud bring back 'angiing I rekkin, fer starters.
Reg: Used ter be poplar that, dahn Tybun. Royt soshul sorta gavrin wannit? Eye mene, peepul wood cum from myles and myles araahnd ter see it, enn vey yewsed ter sell programs an fackkin' all sorts. Thered be en'er'ainers and peepul selling ott chessnuts end fancy goods, a bit like Brick Lane market but with anging goan on. Peepull nevva add telly in vem dayze corse.
Col: Eye recckin vey shud bring bac ver stox, eye mene, ave summon put in vose fawr a cuppla dayze dahn Clap'm Eye rode an ave peepul frown rottin vedge attam, mite makum fink twyyce abart doin' cryme, eh? Juss fawr small stuff lyke.
Reg: Eye fink yew mite ave suffink verre mate. Eye means, vese prizzins is all bleedin' cotton wull and all, veze dayze. Vose fackers asz gawt bleedin' Sky fawr nuffink', eye carnt affawd ter ave bleedin' Sky Sattlite telly, vose fackers brakes the bleedin' lawr end vey get its fawr nuffink! Bleeding hollerday camp if yewr arsk me!
Col: Aah blaady ell, me stawp! See ya mate!