Clapham Omniblog: Dahn ver Fevvers! - The demise of the London pub

Clapham Omniblog - Dahn ver Fevvers

In which Colin and Reg discuss the demise of the Feathers pub

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: 'Ear Col, see ver Fevvers iz fynelee closing?

Col: Fackin shayme, fackin shayme.

Reg: Yer, en mye oll man useta goh vehr zinz abaht befawer ver sekin world wahr. Fakkin tragik.

Col: Myne yew, vatz ver way s'all goin. Pahb trade's bin dine awn itz ahss fer dekades. Eye fink ver pahtee sevin was ver staht orve it.

Reg: Yehr, eye mene, vatz wot killed orf ver juganbottel trayde, innit?

Col: Well, et aynt reel beer ennymawr, s'all a fakkin glaws er bleedin chemykals and summat.

Reg: In verr sevennies, aye culd gahr ahwp 'annin 'ahn, end vehr's be fakkin' pahbs awl over vat manner!

Col: Yehy, ver Dray 'orse, ver Prins orve Whales,fakkin Dewke orve Norfumberland, Red Lyin...

Reg: Well, vehr's always gotta be a pub cawled ver Red Lyin, en err, coaws its vehr lawrw, eh?

Col: Well, etts vose mawrkittin wankahs vats verr cawse, gahn ranhd ann feamin' ver pawbs.

Reg: Aah mene, yer gahr ahwp Ol Oke common an ver woz vat Enry ver ateff, bean ver Enry ver bleedin' ateff fahr as fakkin lawng as eye culd remember.

Col: Fack, vehr awld Ennry, wort ahppend ter vat ven?

Reg: Fakkin mawrketten cahnts, vahts wort append, eh? Gawhn enn fackkin' changed it. Eye mean ett woz aswl vat Jakkerbean dahk Oke enn sumpchus velvet seats, nahn er yer fakkin verlawr, fakkin verlawr, pawr mahns velvitt, enn it? Eh?

Col: Eye wehnn in verr abaht nyne een sevenny nyne, s'abaht ver larhrst fakkin 'ime, enn et was fuller Awresenl s'porters, enn vey worz gettin' er bit fakkin lahree, caws ver Lahnlor was rahnnen shawt orve Wortneys Rid Barill.

Reg: Jehr nawhr wort, yerd nawt rekkignyze vehr playce nahr Cawl, s'wun orve vose fakkin gastrer pahbs naw.

Col: Caws ver fakkin' ea'ees, vatz vhen ver woz awl vose fakkin feam pahbs stahwtid. Lyke vose Ferrit and fakkin' ferkynz, Ferrit enn fakkin fawrskinz, wort eye ewsed ter call ver fakkers!

Reg: Fakken Slahg enn Lettis, enn ahwl sawter fakkin ahwl bollux lyke vat.

Col: Eye mean yehr daht see voze fahken Burnyy Inns nahr, deryer, vayze awhl fallinn bah ver fakkin' way side ern awl.

Reg: Eye means, taystes change, yerd gahr ahwt ter erhnn fakkin' Burnyy, ehhnn, yer'd avven fakkin' gyenawmus stayke, enn ernn Prorn cawktayl fer yer fakkin stawr 'err, yewd avvern fakkin' eyce cawld Lawgah enn verr fakkin' awl wummen er'd avvenn fakkin' glahws orve Blu Nunn awr a fakkin' chilled Berjollis, cawze Burny worze err bitt mawr sphistikaytid vahn vehr rahn orve ver mille sorta gaff, eh?

Col: Enn orve caws, yer'd ave yer Blakk fawriss Gaottoxes fawr yer pudn, enn rill Cawfee frawm wun orve vose glahws jugs vat was kipt fackkin; ahwt, enn, vey'd givv yer a cuppl ehr Ahrfta Aytes wivvit. Yerr myte avven Braahndee een err a fakkin' ceegawr ter nnd et awf.

Reg: Cawse, vehr worz mawr munny 'baht venn. Ahr meen, vaht worze att ver hyte orve yer Margrit Fatcha years, eye mene she may nawt err been vat poplar wiv sum orve yer lectricate, baht she fakkin gawt us awf ahr fakkin' aswses ahfter vat fakkin' mess wort ver Labia paa'ee gawhn enn leff us enn, awfta ver fakkin' Winn'err orve fakkin' discawntent.

Col: Venn yehr gawt vat Blayerr enn' iz fakkin' Kaffy culcha. Fakkin' Cham pinn fakkin' Sewshylissts frawm fakkin' Islyn'unn enn fakkin be'rrr pawrts orve 'acknee enn fakkin' Oxtun. Baht fakkin' furty yearz ergo, yerr kuld pick upp an ahhs enn voze bits orve Lunnen ferr a fakkin' sawng.

Reg: Vey've awl puhd verr lerr'err klahsis aht orve playcis lyke vat enn wear ver fakkz vey gunna gehr ter? Isle tell yer ware mayte, vay aave ter move aht 'err Lunnen and fakk orve ter playcis lyke fakkin Essix.

Col: Ennyway, yehr kummen dahn verr Fevvas awn Frydee? Caws its ver lahst nite s'opin. Bee err shayme ter see Wally ang awhp iz tee tahl, bert vatz ver fakkin' wayze itz gahn Reg.

Reg: Eye errd Walleez, ez mooven ter fakkin' Crowma. ez bawt wun orve voze fakkin' bunnglows by ver fakken sea enn awl.

Col: Wort, zee ahpennin ernuvva Pahb lyke? orzze juss re'ireen?

Reg: Nahr, eez fakkin' pakken it ahp mayte. Wurdiz vat heez gawt er millyun en ern arf for verr Pahb, wehl, eye meen, wortz ver fakkin' poynn er werkin, eh? Myte erz well juss gehr en nnjoyze yersell, ehh?

Col: Wehll, yers sayz vat Reg, baht, wozz ee gerna ave ahp fakkin' Crerhmer? Inn ver Summa, playcer be fuller famlees awhn ollidees, ehn in ver winn'err, s'ahll garner be fakkin' greyan awribbel wiv fakkin' rayn pissen dahn orf ver Nawf C, ennit?

Reg: S'nuff ter mayke yer wanner kmitt fakkin' suicide, enn itt? Fakk vat fer a fakken' gayme err Soullwjerrs. Awllz gernner appen, iz vat, eez garner enn up awn a fakkin' grey fakkin' chewsdee fer instunz, sittin' in iz fakkin' livvin rume, watchinn fakkin' Sky spawts err summin, unner iz ole wumens feat. Sheez garner get well pissed awf wiv 'I'm bahr fakkin Awktowberr, eh??

Col: Eye fink if vatz worts its gerrner bee lyke, isle gerr en jahmp awf fakkin' Tahr Brij or summat. Eye fink if ett cayme dahn ter vat, eyed fakken just enn it mayte.

Reg: Yerr kummin dahn ver Fevvas venn?

Col: Nahr, izza fakkin' shittole, ere's me stawp Reg tara.

Reg: Yehr, see yer mayte, Oi, Coll, see yerz in vat fakkin' Wyne Bahr venn!

Clapham Omniblog - of congestion charge an integrated london transport system and flying carpets

In which Colin and Reg discuss the wisdom of the congestion charge and flying carpets

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ahw lorng dew fink et'urrd 'ake us 'er get terr verr Dawktors over enn 'annin' 'ahn? Ovva mornin'?
Col: Wheyy, all depenns wort tymes yew woz gahn myte?
Reg: Baaht nyne in verr morrnin.
Col: Fack me, yewse wanna be aaht of verr aahse by baaht fackin' ate if yewse goona yewse a mowtah.
Reg: Eyes finkin' vat eye ennt gonna get ova verr 'aahnin 'aahn flahova fore arf ate, eye myte as well gits meesell a fackin' flayhn' karpit lyke, wot vose Ayrabs yewsed ter ave in yer fackin' Allybarberz dayse, eh?
Col: Eye woz on verr auld 'aahnin' 'aahn' flayhova verr over day, enn eye woz stack in fackin' traarfik coz vey'd coahned orff ver fackin' near sahd lane, ennay?
Reg: Wot worz vat for myte?
Col: Fack noze, koz verr wurnt nar fackin' wurks goan oarnn lyke. Jus a loader syenze end wun orvem sez furty limit. Eye mene wort a fackin' liber'yy, eye worz stannin' inna fackin' kew orv cahrs, stayshnree lyke, enn vat wurnt verr wurst orv it.
Reg: Wurst?
Col: Yeah, verr woz errnllee sahm auld fackker orn a fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ah, enn ee aad an fackin' Jack Rassill fackin' Terryerr in verr fackin bawskit orn verr frahnt ehnnn, ee ad iz woife or sumuvva bird orn his fackin laaapp, gahn alorng.
Reg: Ahyr faast wuz he goan?
Col: Fackin' faastur van mee. Ee mustav bee doin' awl orv abaht six bleedin mahles an aahr, frew verr fackin' coanz, eye meene fackin' ell, eym abardin' bye ver fackin' oyway coad, enn ees droyvin vat fackin skoo'ahh frew a fackin kahned orff ayria lyke.
Reg: Oi bett yewse wishes vat yewz adda fackin' flahyn' karpit venn? Aye meenez yar woodennt ave ter pay yer fackkin' caunjestyun chorge, wood yar? Aye meenez s'awlmost lyke vat fackin' awld git woz givin ya 'oo fingers up, lyke, eh?
Col: Wheyll, eye reckkinz vat yew kud avoid verr fackin' cunnjestyun chorge if yewze aaadd a fackin' flahyn karpit, coz it aynt putten aahht narr fackin miishins, eh? Eye mene iffs vem Smort kaahz cans get errway wivaht payin ennee  raahd tax and nah conjestyun chorge, venn a fackin' peaceerr karpit shuddennt eyva.
Reg: Why yew fink voze Ayrabbs storpped usen vem?
Col: Cawse vey add all viz oyl vey waz sitten awn lyke, ehnn when yorze motahs kumm popleearr, venn it aardlee dun myke naahr sense ter fack abaht makin' karpits, 'cept fur stikin' on yer flawr orv yer aahses or yer maahd utts or whaevver. 
Reg: Shore myte, but wotz wivv all yore green bollux nahrdayze spaahted by yerr fackin' trendee leftiz, yewd fink vey'd be kanny nuff ter start makin' vem aginn?
Col: Yore fackin' ryte Reg, eye menes yer wooden't 'ave all vat fackin' bovva wiv ver 'aahnin 'ahn flahova woodya? Jusss git awhn yore fackin' karpit and fack awf, eh?
Reg: Ere, ere, Col, baht aahd yer fackin' karpitt nahr wear ter gahr? Eye menes, it erred need 'err ave sum sorta karpet nav or summat, eye menes ahw voze fackin fings work back in yer Allybarber's 'ime?
Col: Worl, errs yer fackin' magik spells or summat, awr spoze yer aave ter tayke yer nu karpitt enn walk dahn ter yer lowkul Mawsq or summat ennn ver awl Immmyaam he problee sez a few wurds attit enn, Abdul's yer unkel, myte.
Reg: Eye mene yew aave ter 'ake ann fackin' test ter dryve itt or summat? Awr wood it be autumnus lyke, voze fakkin Googgill cars wots got nahr fackin' dryva sittun aahp verr frahnt?
Col: Wheyl yewed ave ter putt inn sahm sorta infrastructha ter mawderate it, ehh? Ovvawyse ett erd be err fackin' freeforawll. Eye meene yer'd ran verr fackin' risker getting craahshed inna, wunt yer?
Reg: Royt, yerrd be flahan alorng ova 'acknee say, awn yer fackin' karpitt, mindern yer ahwn fackin' sell, enn sahm stoopidd facka myte craaash inna yah?
Col: Wheyll, verrs bahnd ter be yurr teevin trahballs ter staartt wivv, enn ven yer've gawt yer ayr trahffic ter deal wiv, eye mean. Ahr meeen wot abaht Heaffrow and yer Gaahtwik flaaht parves?
Reg: Yeah bart, eye means wot chew gonna do wiv ya karpit, say if yers gahn ahwt ter ver cinnymar or aaht sumwear shawpin?
Col: Spoze verr 'd ave ter be sum sorta Karpit enn ryde sorta fing, awr, yerrd just aave sum sorta wayreaahse wear yer kud rawl ahhp ver facker enn stik ett enna rack awr summat enn pay a quid lyke and stick on a fackin' tikkit whyle yer gehrs gerhn abaaht yer bizniss, aye?
Reg: Eye fink vats a brullyant eyedeeah mayte, baht eye spoze vat if yewze wurnt goan farr, vat yew kud juss rawl ver facka aahp enn avvitt ahnder yer 'ahm, eye mene it wud be a bittorva fackin' 'nkumbrance, baht ett aynta fackin' purrfick wahld, ez ett Col?
Col: Wheyl, yerr 'ave itt ver nayle orn ver fackin' nawgin ent ya? If yewze gawt a loawda wyves enn fahsands a kids, lyke summa vem immygrunts, naw eyem nawt being a rayshullist , butt, vey's orbviarsely gawt err gitt arahnd enna  lahmp. Sahr, vey awbveeuslee ass ter ave a bigga karpit. Stans ter reesun , dern itt? Errn yew wunner wanna be avvin 'err lugg vat facka abaht unner yore fackin' arm, coz iterred be a fackin' faag ter ave ter trye and karry vat abaht awn her bleedin' Jack, eh?
Reg: Nahr, azz yorz awn ver bleedin' subjikt orv yer Allybarbyerr, woz he befaw awl viz fackin' sharroni lawr kumm in or summat?
Col: Zackllee, eye mean sawl very wehll avvin yer fawty fackin feeves an all vat, baaht yer gawta make yawr krymes wurfwyle ennya? Eye mene if yawze stannin ter looze err fackin' rabber band ova a fackin' bit of feevin, s'gawta be wurf it, coz etts gonna be a fackin' stigmurr like, veys all gonna noze yerze a fackin Tea Leaf, ennay?
Reg: I meenez, gawnar bakka vem dayze, vey wazzant ewsin ver facking awl Mark 'oo Jaggz woz ter der blaags woz vey? Eye menes it woz probllee sum old fackin' fred bear bit ovva an orffkat orva fackin' peace of an awld Mawrokkin karpit wot veyz managed ter nik ahht ver fackin' kasbarr, eh? Problee ringed ver fackin' pattin sahr vat ver awld Bill wunnant be abel ter rekiggnize it? Sawt a kat and shat lyke? Ringa karpitt?
Col: Yer, I spoze vey'd goan awld aahp a fackin' waygiz Kamil fur ver fackin' Sheckills.
Reg: Ennyahw, weeze getting orf ovv ver poin, ennwee?
Col: Shore Reg, eye finks verrs a fewcher in Karpitts baaht, eye fink ve Ayrahbs is been kanny abaht it.
Reg: Wyze vat ven Col?
Col: Coz vey've gawt it sewed aahp enn 'ey?
Reg: See yer joak naar,
Col: Wot eye mennt woz, vat veyerr sitten awn fackin' millyun of barills orv oyl enn veyze gonner mayke shore vat ezz awl fackin' gawn afore vey starts mayken fackin' flayhn karpits aginn, stans ter raisin dahn ett?
Reg: Ere Col, yew reckkin vat yewd ave ter ave a karpiit for prayin awn lyke voze wazznims take ter ver Mawsqe? Orr wood ett be a fackin' eyebrid wott yewze kud flah baaht awn enn venn tayke inter verr Mawsqe enn do yerr reverence awn? Jaest arskin coz itza difffrent kulchewer ennit?
Col: Bit lahke avvin wunnovemm's Tawyota Previouses venn? Wotz petrill enn lectrik wenn yew wannit.
Reg: Wheyll, eye fink itza fackin' grate eyedeer, enn vat 'aahnin' 'aahn' flahyova erll enn ahp bean a monnyment ter a lorst age, enn verr awly facka's awn itz gernner be fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ahs. Fack me, ere's me stawp, ta ra Coal.

Clapham Omniblog - Tour de France 2016

In which Colin sees a Tour de France Carbon Fibre bike in Halfords

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: 'ere mate, you see vat Bargin 'unt last week?
Colin: Nah mate, I like that Dayvid Dickinson, bit of a fackin' geezer, weelin' an' deelin. Wear's nice whistles. Gawt a fackin spensiv lookin watch.
Reg: No, he doughne do it no maw, sum uvver bloke, Tim suffink, suffink sounds like pigeoncot. Any 'aah, vey's woz in one ov 'em salvage places an' vis Tim bloke, he see's a front wheel of a boike stickin' aaht from under a bit o'  auld caarpit. I could see from the front forks it looked a fackin' Rawleigh.
Colin: Fackin' stroll on mate.
Reg: Nah wurd of a lie mate! I fawt it was a fackin' Rawleigh shoppin' bike at furst, 'cos it 'ad a small wheel like a kid's bike aves.
Colin: 'an vem frahnt fawks, you no ve wuns, wivver dimples in ver choob ends.
Reg: Yeh, yeh, so he pulls back ver carpit,'aan fack me, it's only a fackin' minnnt, Rawleigh Choppa in Taangerine orinje. Strait aap, it was fackon' minnnt! He reckins vat it came aaht ovva bike shop wot closed daahn in 1971, he even had ver rijinal box over it, baht the fackin' myce chewed it ter fack, so he had to frow it aaht.
Colin: Ju no wot? Eye stopped beeleevin' in fackin' Farver bleedin' Krismus in fackin' 1971, 'cos eye wanhed a fackin' Rawleigh Choppa faw Krismus. We 'ad vis fackin' Krismus pudden at skule vat we all got a chance er a stir ovv 'an we kud make a wish fur krismus. Sah, eye wishes for a brahnnd nu, fackin' Rawleigh Choppa, in Taangerine. Yu no wot? Ver fackin' cant never bort the facker. So that was that. Fackin' fat cant.
Reg: Ennyway, vis bloke, watts got vis fackin' Choppa, I reckin is wuz all set up like. So he gets it dahn, end  vey starts gettin' intrested, but he aynt gonna sell it. Vey offad him a fackin' Munky faw it, but he wurnt 'avin nun of it. I fawt he mite tellum  a fack off, but it woz on ver BBC, sah I expect vey eddid vat aaht. Yew kud tell it wus all set aap, coz ver tires was all pahmped aahp. Fackin' cants innay?
Colin: Yer no, I wen ahp 'alfards ver uvva week faw a spray can ter tahch in ver back of me Fawd, ver that stooped bitch frahm nex dawer, she only goes ehnd bax inna me fackin' Fiiester, wots in aarh shared droive. I meen, fack me, she karnt dryve a fackin' cat inn ver aahse. Sheee taykes abaht half a fackin' ahr to do a fackin' free point turn in ver fackin' roahd. Sar, woyle I woz ver, I started speakin' to vis bloke 'oo worked ver, abaht vese raycin' bykes vat woz  on a display stand.
Reg: You see vem fackin' bykes on ver fackin' tooor de frahnce ver uvva week? Fack me, ver saddil on wun of vose fackaz looked abaht a finn as a piece uvv fackin inch wyyde chipboard, looked abaaht as fackin' comfortable too. Mahy furst byke was a fackin' auld Rawleigh ull steel, wiv 28 fackin' inch wheels and a fackin' clik clik fackin' strurmey archer ubb gear. Lyke wot Vikkars ryde in fings lyke Miss bleeding Maples on ver telly.
Colin: You won't berleev it mate, gess aah much vis bleedin' bike in 'aalfurds woz?
Reg: Munky?
Colin: Not eyven fackin' close mate!
Reg: Wot, an Arab?
Colin: Wot u in, verr fakin' 1950's?
Reg: Well, oi donnow.
Colin: Foive, fackin, grahnd! Foive, fackin', grahnd, fer a bleedin' boyke!
Reg: ee's avin you on mate.
Colin: Naar, strait aahp. I saw ver ticket anging off ver frame. Saah, I sez too imm, u shore mate? foive fackin graahnd? Enn ee sez, yeah, 'cos its made er yer Carbin fybah, lyke wot vey uze on vem formula wun caahs.
Reg: Muy aulled fackin' Rawleigh all steel, cost mee two pahnd ten ahnd vat waz sekind aahnd, aan it woz fackin' ancsheent ven. I reckin ver furst bloak 'oo ohned it masst 'ave  been fackin' Nowah.
Colin: Mate, yer livin' in ver fackin' dark ayyjis. Matey sez vat a fackin spare weal for that fakin' raycin byke was about two grand. Eee reckinned vat sum bloke, bort wun o' vese ahn stack it on fackin' Ebay a week lay 'err for two grahn. Rekkins vat he ohnlee rowed it abaaht a mile, didn't get on wiv it. Wot a mug. Enn, he sez vat a Carbin Fybah byke doughn last more van a few years, coz of all the loawd onnit.
Reg: Vat sahnds lahk a fackin' waste a munny a me. Kud bye a fackin' decent motah faw vat kinda moohlah an' still have an Arab leff to buy a racin' byke wiv, wun wivv a metyll frame, allyminyum, or suffink like vat.
Colin: Ee reckin vat sum maytee, wot he noze in sum syyklin club aahp Walfamstah way, ee woz dahn in Balumm aahnd ee getz itt by sum fackin' Minicaab. Fackin' byke shattaz lyke fackin' glaarss, frayme, frahnt weal, it's facked, bitz evrywear. So anyway, ver old Bill saw itt and cums ova, eehnd maytee in ver cab, staarts ter mayke aaht he karnt speke English propa ehnd, eye ayn't beein raycist, butt...
Reg: Well, eye ope ee woz bleedin' ensured. Eye mene, maytee on ver byke sahnds lyke eez gotta kayse against imm fawr dew care. Ennyway, wot appenned?
Colin: Dunno  mate, vatts all he tawld me. Bet ee woz sick as a parritt ova vat.
Reg: Ennyway, yew kno Aahlf wot used to work aat ver toire fakktree?
Colin: Wot Aahlf 'oos in ver Skrubs fawr arrmd robbry?
Reg: Yahyr, vat Aalf. Wayll, when we woz abaht fawteen, wee wenn on a tour of Balumm.
Colin: Nott Frahnce ven?
Reg: Naah, we only got as fahr as Balumm, ee got in un argewment wiv a Copper an' clocked him wun. Saar, I add ter fack off ome on me own. Appy daze.
Colin: Yerrr, appy daze. Enny haar, ere's me stop, see yer mate!