Clapham Omniblog - British Leyland Cars and Van den Plas

In which Colin and Reg discuss the British Leyland cars and the upmarket Van den Plas

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere dew see vat sum bloke payed aaht five Ayrabs fawr an Oasrtin Allegri? S'in moy Daiwy Miwwah.
Col: Wheyll vat's ardlee an mistree innit? Mahst ovvem 'as lykley rasted aaht ter fack by nahr Reg.
Reg: Eye finks vat vey lorst verr way venn vey stawped being BMC.
Col: Wheyn veyz worz Nutfield under ole Lawd Mawriss, it sorta wuurked, baaht yer problem woz vat soon as a fewevem stahted gahn toe ver wahll, vat vey awl staartid getting 'malgamated, eeynd awl vis badge injineerin stahtid.
Reg: Wehyll, yore paahst wore cahrs woz all in rutt. Yerr problem waz lyke, vat ve err woare add seeeriusslee disrahptid yer econnermee ennit? Ehnn all veese cumpnees royt, vey aynt gort ver ackkers ter invest in noo deesoyns.
Col: Finks sar ryte myte, eye means yer add ter wyte a coupla year ter see suffink noo cummin ahtter ver faktries, eye meens, aahnless  vey add suffink aahp vehr fackin' sleeves lyke, vat vey kud jahss rawl awt frahm verr fakkrees.
Reg: Corse, wance vey'd gorta bit sawted aaht aafta givin' awld Aadolf enn Terjer a bit orva slaaap, venn, vey kud get awn wiv rerbildin ver pawst woare ekonmy.
Col: Wheyll, vats when you storted ter see vat sorta 'merikan stoylin, ganh all streemloyned lyke.
Reg: Ennd tryan ter ger upmahkit wiv yer fancy names. Like what Oarstins dun wiv ver fackin' Summerset, Devin ann ver fackin' Wessminnister.
Col: Enn Fawd, ahd ter der summit abaht it or miss ver blleedin baaht, eh? Yer kud errnlee der sah much wive ver 8 and 10, sar vey add ter kum up wiv names lyke ver Angela enn Perfick. Strowke orv gernyous ter call a fackin' motawh arfter a fackin byrd voaw.
Reg: Sahr, Oarstins kud awnly gehr awp markitt? arter att. Sahr vey woz klevvva ter yewse ver naymes orv oernly two orv ver fackin' tawp Oonerversi'ees, Awxfawd enn fackin' Caymbrij faw vehr next moddills. 
Col: Baaht, vey all adda get attit coz verr worz ah loadah forrin deszoyners vat woz stoylin cahrs, lyke ver fackin Tryamph Errild, yer Forina Oarstin, enn yer fackin' Cor'inna enn all.
Reg: Yehr, vey woz tryan ter tap ver 'merrikan markitt eye reckkins. Baht eye means wear can yerze goes arter Awxfawd? Ernely royle'ee, enn vat was a big fackin' nahr nahr, caus ver fackin' Quinn, she'd ave a fackin' wurd in ver Lawd Charncillo'r's  lug ole enn innshaw vat summan at BMC gets a fackin' bawlukkin fawr ett.
Col: Itz yore Royle fackin' prurterkawls innit?
Reg: Ehhn, verr ernlee wye ter gawr worz awp markitt ergin.
Col: Yehr, enn dew no vat yer faymiss Vann den Plaarses worz frawm Plarster?
Reg: Nahr, yerr avvin me on Col.
Col: Nahr, strait aahp Reg, vat faht bloake Farook who azz vat garridge aahp Walfumstah, he wekkins vaat awld Vann den Plaarses worz a Datch bloak.
Reg: Wheyll, vats nawt spryzin, coz yer get awlsawts in ver area, dahnyer?
Col: Wheyll, wot Fawook wrekkins ezz, enn ee erred it frawm izz myte aahp Craach Ind wotz bean inn ver motah tryde fer fackin' yeeaaz, is vat it worz rijinnerllee cawled yer Van dern Plasters, baaht, vey changed it fawr immijj reezins.
Reg: Wyse vat venn myte?
Col: Sahr, ee staartz aaht as a Kemmist ryte, enn eez discuvvad yer akcherawl 'Faablwan' plaarstik by enn accident. Ee woz orva Sundy, fackin' abaaht in iz parla wiv sum kemmikuls, enn ver phaon gehrs, saah ee leaves iz 'speriment ter awnsa ver fackin' fing enn ter cut a laung storey, ee kumms baak ter fynd iz compaahnd az gawt nawked ova bye iz kaat, enn eez gawta plaarstik sorta brahn fillum awn iz binch, lookin' lyker bitta levva.
Reg: Ez vat gawspil or izat fackin gipper woyndin yer aahp?
Col: Nahr, eez awryt. Saah, he takes a clahsar luk attit, enn he sees wort looks loyke an levva grayne innit. Ann ee finks 'fack me, ive invenned summat fablis,' sah ee decydes ter kawl iz noo fing 'fablon' cawze itz fackin fablis. Ennywyse, ee gehrs an ee paytins it, ryte, enn nawunns intrisstid, he carnt get erristed wiv it, baaht, he shaws vat Iffygonads bloak wort was instrawmentulein desoyning ver Mawris Minarr viz staff, enn ees real intrisstid lyke in avvin it fawr usin in ver fackin trimming orvyer cahrs intrears.
Reg: Sahndz lark wags ter wiches storwee Col?
Col: Yehr, coz he moouved ahter Plaarsta ehnd ee gawt himsell' err fackin' manshun at Radlitt. Baaht ee nevva give up work, coz ee gawt in some greement wiv British Lelyandii as it was ter bee kum.
Reg: Nahhr eye seez ver lyte, cozza kors vat explains aah yersze gawt ver fackin awfull plaarstick staff awn yer motawhs lyke yerr Mini Claahbman estate, eye meen wehr wud yaz be wivvaht yer stiky on fackin' fablon awn yer aahtside orv yer Minni? Yer fackin' Wallnutz wurf maw van ver fackin' motawh ter stick orn, enn it aynt gorna larst not in ahr fackin' wevva ezit?
Col: Wheyll, vey did pull a fackin maarsta stroke lyke, bye baylen aaht fackin' Rawls din vey?
Reg: I nevva seen fablon orna fackin Rawls, Col.
Col: Eye meanz, wiv all dew respect ter Connlees, itz ardlee ver sorta fing vey'd be lookin' ter yewze orna tasty motawh like vat, eh? Eye bet her awld Madge'd ave summat ter say abaaht it, if she clawked wiv her beedy eoyes vat summan ahdd fackin' comprimysered ver fackin' Rawller fer sayke orva few hunred quid.
Reg: Eye erd vat alvough sheez gawt vat fackin' great Pallis and all vat, she still gahrs arahnd ver fackin' gaff ternin aaht lytes worts bin left orn.
Col: Eye does salluyte err for vat, coz we awl gorta do ahr bit for ver plannit, eh? Pallis or nahr fackin Pallis.

Reg: Sahr, wortz Lellandii doin wiv fackin Rawls venn?

Col: Wheyl, Oarstins worz arsked ter bild sum sorta Jipp orf udder enn Rawls mayde ver enjinns fawr itt. Baaht, it was nevva much kawp sahr, vey 'bandined it enn vey getz in tarch wivv awld Vee Pee abaaht uzin ver awald Farina shell lyke and restoylin it and cawlin it summat else verr fackin' Prinzess, corz verr embargio on uzin royle names lyke was different, slong as yer dint cawl it a 'madge' or summat yewz woz ulryte.

Reg: Enn vey kahn charjeya an extrer fackin Ayrab fer yer fackin' Fablon eh?

Col: An yerr ryte mate, yer stix er fackin' crahhn awn ver fackin raydia'orr shell enn putz enn Van den Plarse badge awn ver fackin' boot enn Bawbs yer unkill. Vewwy clevar bit orve markitting.

Reg: Enn vey made a fackin' llegra vershun, eye means vats lyke gold platen a dawg turd, innit? Eye says, ez still a fackin' dawg turd at ver enn orv ver day, eh? Lyke eye sez ver ovva day lyke, ett aynt nahr fackin' Alfards Romayer, ryte?
Col: Wheyyl yewze kudd avv fakin' levva seats if yewze wannit, awr yewze kud ave verr fackin' verlewer vat darn't larst. Baaht yerr did aves yer fackin; crahn awn yore radia'orr, sarse yer ku pritind yewse was fackin' Royles or ver upper klarsis if yews worze vose prawntenshus toypes. Eh?

Col: Trubble worz vat verr pawr bloaks wot worz avvena make awp veeze fackin' motahws worz awl gettin' pulled aht orn fackin' stryke abaaht every fackin' five minnits by ver cantin' shawp stewids. Eye meenz, vats wort reely facked ahp ver ole country in ver sevvenieez.

Reg: Enn, eye fink yorz ryte mate,enn eer's me bleeding stawp, ta ra Col!

Clapham Omniblog - Alternative comedy

In which Colin and Reg casts their mincers over alternative comedy

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ryte, wot yer fink abaaht al'errna'ive commer'ee Col?
Col: whehhl, eye aynt reely er fan, ter be onnist.
Reg: Nahh, me neeva. I fink itz cheep enn nawrsty.
Reg: Ownnlee vere's vis buk wot vat Lexi Sail's writ ennn vazye woz torkin abaaht in mee Daiwy Miwwa. Errr ay Wervue, sorta fing.
Col: Spose vey gottta reely, seen azz eeza bittova leftee.
Reg: You darn't lyke ver Daiwy Miwwa der yer Col?
Col: Naar, eye preefurze mee Doyly Moyle, cos I finks vat ver Miwwa's abaaht arfa step from bean ver fackin' Sewshullist Wurka awr yer Mawnen Staa. Eye mean, eye rekkins moast ervem fackin' Sewshullist Wurka reaydeis eyverr duzen't fackin' work enneyweyze or veyze eyverr a loader fackin' annerkissts, awr problee sortsa cants vatz gawt sum sorta fackin' wunovem nawn-bleedin' jawb lyke wots veyve fahnd ahta ver fackin'  Gardin paypa. Enneyway, yewse woz sayin' Reg?
Reg: Wehl, oym glaad vat yer gawt vat awf yer fackin' chest mayte, but eyes sorta ergreess wivya aahnn vat.
Col: Eye mean vat 'bruvverz ahat' sorta mentaller'ee vats wot facked Brittin up in ver six'ees enn sevennies mayte.
Reg: Wheyll, eye carn't fawlt yerr lawgic on vat scoare mayte, yerr ownlee go'a luk att ver caor industwee Britsh Laylandeeye enn ver lyke enn see wot voze cants did ter ver facker. Eye mene, veyz gawt bloakes verr, ooze tryinn ter mayke veze fackin' awfull motahhs lyke ver fackin Oarstin Alligrow ennnd ver fackin' Mawriss fackin' Maweennoze, eye mene vey woz nahr Alfer Romyaers woz vey? Ehhnnd,,, verrs veze fackin shawp stewids vatz callen ver pawr facker's aaht on bleedin' stryyke evree five cantin' minnits, eh?
Col: Zaclee mayte. Nuvva fing vat facks me awff is veze bleedin' Shampooing Sewshllists. Eyye meenz, vey kumz frawm veeze spensive Middul claarrs Ohmz, ehnnd vey awll try ter mayke aahht veyze bleedin' aahrrd dun bye, enn veyz got veze Awxbow Oonyversa'ee fackin; degroys lyke, enn veyze wayystid fackin' fyvee awr so yeerrs inna fackin Ooneryversa'ee, oernlee saarhs vat vey can fack abaaht in ver fackin' Fatlites, enn ven sum Prerjewcer frahm ver fackin' Beebeecee or Eye'eefackin'vee seezem, enn ee fackin synes emm ahp fawr sum sorta commdee prargrham, lyke enn vey getz fackin' faymuss enn rich.
Reg: Eye gets yawr driftwood completely mayte. Eye mene, if veyz wanna fack abahht in ver sorta frinnje fear'ahr, enn gitt awn ver 'elly, eye mean, dahn deenye sahm pawr wurkin' clarss facker' lyke yew and meezes dustbin lids frahm gettin' err charnce att enn Oony veresa'ee fackin' degrie awr fackin' Oonyversa'ee fackin' edgercayshun. Fer fack's sayke, eh?.

Col: Enn anuvver fing wot reelllee facks me or abaaht'emm eis vat, veyr awl awr payd ahpp membiz awv ver fakkin' Laybia Par'ee, enn veyz awl awlwyse tryner letyar nahw abahht it muchas vey kan, awwh veyz gaon awn abaht ahr veyz wasan Labiyah Par'ee mamba enn eye finks ter meeself, wehyll, eif yewza reayll fackin' sewshullist, ven, yewda bee livvin innan Cahnsil Aaahse ahp fackin' Acknee awr fackin' Tottnim ehnnd yewda givin yer moolah awayter gud cawzes, jergree?

Reg: Wheyll, vat is ver crux orv ver matta, coz vat brings uz rarvar convenentlee bakterr ver al'erna'ive commer'ee subjikt, lyke. Goan bakterr Lexi Sails, ryte, ee, kumz frawm sum skaase 'ome, ryte. Eye betts ee wuz lurnder reed awn fackin' Kyle Marx, yew reckkin?

Col: Eye gree wivya awn vat, eye meen vatz juss lyke voze Millivolt bruvvers wot woz in ver Labeeyaar Par'yy. Eye meen, it kaarn be nachrell ter be anngen abaaht wiv pepulle lyke Livvensten end Wedgie Teapot diskussin awlsortza lefff wing dawgma, when yewze awnly a fackin' dustbin lidd enn yer aynt add ver opperchewna'ee ter see a baalinced aregewmint, yer gree?

Reg: Wehyll, vatz bean ver problem wiv abaaht mawst orya bleedin' skoolz, veyze awl fulluv vese fackin' Mawrxsist fackin' teecherzz, wot doan teachum ann propah edjercayshun, buytt, vey fillahp vehr fackin' nogginz wivall vis fackin' leff wing dawgma.

Col: Cawze vats awl paart owv ver plaan, ennit? Cawze veyze mayken aann reddy mayde leff winger ricipteev aujence. Sahw, veeze sahw-cawlled 'Awl'err'naeeve Cummeejens, aave awl gotter reddy mixd ahwp aujence.

Reg: Sahr, eye sawr vat vat Lexi Sails, he ownlee gotta gaff in fackin' 'ampstid. Eye meenz, yer problee gotta aave a foo millyun quid aahp yer awld Ma'ress ter be able ter affawd a fackin' gaff in vat sorta Manna.Eh?

Col: Enn, itza self puppetchuratin' indistree, ennit? Coz voze leff wing fackkaz iz awnly edding fool to ver fyare by byinn iz bleedin' Capn Hook?

Reg: Yehr, enn ven yew gotta lode awv vehr maytes in ver fackin; meedja, enn veyz awl biggin ver facka's staff awp sahr sahme pawr fackin' lefty on ver minnimam fackin' wayge, gehrs enn byes ver facker.

Col: Yehr, enn ivvy rytes mawr shitt, venn ee kud problee goan bye anuvver aahse in 'ampstid iffee wanned, eh?

Reg: Lyke vat Benn fackin' Eltham, ee maykes his enrance goan awn stayge enn raggin Margrit Fatcha. Nahr, it my surprizeya ter naw vat eye aave gawt a lawed orv respect fawr wot Margrit Fatcha dunn ferr Brittin. Coz ver Labiyaar Par'ee unner ole Jim Calleran, vey realy facked it all aahp, eye mean yew reemember ver fackin' Winta orv discontent in fackin sevvenny ate? Ver fackin' cuntree was abaht fackin' finished, enn wot did yewze get, yewze aahd a choice enn Margrit Fatcha, gawd resta, shee, grebbed ver fackin' cuntree by verr backovitz fackin artie rolla, enn fackin' draggd itt back in'er prosperry'ee, dinnshe?

Col: Nahr eyeer, nevvan spected eyed eer yewze say vat, coz eye meen, wot woz ver fakcin' all'errna'ive? Mykyl fackin' Foot? Eye mene, eye mene, fackin' turnin' aahp at ver fackin' Cenner'aarf wiv a fackin' Daffel kaote awn, eye mene, shaar sum fackin' rispekt faw awl voze wot sakkrifyced emselves fawr awr kuntreeenn verr fackin waor, eh?

Reg: Yeh yeh, uze ryte vehr mayte, eye mene, aas a fackin' passerfist, ee aaad ver lukshree awf of goan awn voze fackin' Aldymastern mawrchiz, baan ver fackin' bawb enn all vat sorta fackin' tork.

Col: Enn, when Maggy woz goan ter sort aaht ver fackin' Fawklinds, ee, Footee, he wuz onver fackin' 'elly ehnn ee woz givvin it sum sorta conchy fackin' tork abaaht aah ee owped vat 'eevin aat vis levvinff ahr, vat vey kud still rabbit abaaht it sum mawr.' Baht, give Maggye her dew, she dint fack abaaht. She kud see ver fackin' bigga pitcher. Enn, shie nuu vat iff she gotta viktree in ver fackin' Fawklinds, venn veze ovvver fackin' wurl leedies woz gonna aveter rekkignize vat cos  shee woz a burd ann'all, she want gonna be nahw fackin' pushova.

Reg: Enn eye mene, ware woz awl vez fackin' lefty commeejuns ven? Enn venn yewze gets shawt of fackin' Footee . Enn, yewze getz vat ginja windbag Kinnik, ehnn eesz gettin' awl veez yung pawp staarz inter sum sorta fackin' moosik fing called Redd fackin' Widge, awar summit lykatt.

Col: Wheyll, viz was ver sorta problimm when vey startz ter blaur ver fackin bahndries, eehnd venn veez sahw-callud fackin' Commeejuns yewzinn ver fackin' polly'hicks fawr verr maw'eereeall.

Reg: Eend, yule see vat raahnd vis sorta 'ime, aw voze awld skule Commeejuns lyke Morkim enn Wyse, enn yer 'ommy 'oopers, enn yer Maahnkaahses, vey woz awl gettin' pushed aahtov telly coz vey'd gawt all vese yung fackin' lefty Edds ov fackin' sahr-callud 'Loight 'enner'ainment' oo wuz bukking ver fackin' axts.

Col: Yerr, eye mene, awl voze aulder Commeejuns, vey err woz vewwy baahdlee 'itt bye ver fackin' nu kidz cahmin in ter vert fackin' seen. Eh?

Reg: Enn it ull gawn dahnill sinz venn. Bleedin ell, me stawp, ta ra Col!