In which Colin and Reg discuss the British Leyland cars and the upmarket Van den Plas
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Ere ere dew see vat sum bloke payed aaht five Ayrabs fawr an Oasrtin Allegri? S'in moy Daiwy Miwwah.
Col: Wheyll vat's ardlee an mistree innit? Mahst ovvem 'as lykley rasted aaht ter fack by nahr Reg.
Reg: Eye finks vat vey lorst verr way venn vey stawped being BMC.
Col: Wheyn veyz worz Nutfield under ole Lawd Mawriss, it sorta wuurked, baaht yer problem woz vat soon as a fewevem stahted gahn toe ver wahll, vat vey awl staartid getting 'malgamated, eeynd awl vis badge injineerin stahtid.
Reg: Wehyll, yore paahst wore cahrs woz all in rutt. Yerr problem waz lyke, vat ve err woare add seeeriusslee disrahptid yer econnermee ennit? Ehnn all veese cumpnees royt, vey aynt gort ver ackkers ter invest in noo deesoyns.
Col: Finks sar ryte myte, eye means yer add ter wyte a coupla year ter see suffink noo cummin ahtter ver faktries, eye meens, aahnless vey add suffink aahp vehr fackin' sleeves lyke, vat vey kud jahss rawl awt frahm verr fakkrees.
Reg: Corse, wance vey'd gorta bit sawted aaht aafta givin' awld Aadolf enn Terjer a bit orva slaaap, venn, vey kud get awn wiv rerbildin ver pawst woare ekonmy.
Col: Wheyll, vats when you storted ter see vat sorta 'merikan stoylin, ganh all streemloyned lyke.
Reg: Ennd tryan ter ger upmahkit wiv yer fancy names. Like what Oarstins dun wiv ver fackin' Summerset, Devin ann ver fackin' Wessminnister.
Col: Enn Fawd, ahd ter der summit abaht it or miss ver blleedin baaht, eh? Yer kud errnlee der sah much wive ver 8 and 10, sar vey add ter kum up wiv names lyke ver Angela enn Perfick. Strowke orv gernyous ter call a fackin' motawh arfter a fackin byrd voaw.
Reg: Sahr, Oarstins kud awnly gehr awp markitt? arter att. Sahr vey woz klevvva ter yewse ver naymes orv oernly two orv ver fackin' tawp Oonerversi'ees, Awxfawd enn fackin' Caymbrij faw vehr next moddills.
Col: Baaht, vey all adda get attit coz verr worz ah loadah forrin deszoyners vat woz stoylin cahrs, lyke ver fackin Tryamph Errild, yer Forina Oarstin, enn yer fackin' Cor'inna enn all.
Reg: Yehr, vey woz tryan ter tap ver 'merrikan markitt eye reckkins. Baht eye means wear can yerze goes arter Awxfawd? Ernely royle'ee, enn vat was a big fackin' nahr nahr, caus ver fackin' Quinn, she'd ave a fackin' wurd in ver Lawd Charncillo'r's lug ole enn innshaw vat summan at BMC gets a fackin' bawlukkin fawr ett.
Col: Itz yore Royle fackin' prurterkawls innit?
Reg: Ehhn, verr ernlee wye ter gawr worz awp markitt ergin.
Col: Yehr, enn dew no vat yer faymiss Vann den Plaarses worz frawm Plarster?
Reg: Nahr, yerr avvin me on Col.
Col: Nahr, strait aahp Reg, vat faht bloake Farook who azz vat garridge aahp Walfumstah, he wekkins vaat awld Vann den Plaarses worz a Datch bloak.
Reg: Wheyll, vats nawt spryzin, coz yer get awlsawts in ver area, dahnyer?
Col: Wheyll, wot Fawook wrekkins ezz, enn ee erred it frawm izz myte aahp Craach Ind wotz bean inn ver motah tryde fer fackin' yeeaaz, is vat it worz rijinnerllee cawled yer Van dern Plasters, baaht, vey changed it fawr immijj reezins.
Reg: Wyse vat venn myte?
Col: Sahr, ee staartz aaht as a Kemmist ryte, enn eez discuvvad yer akcherawl 'Faablwan' plaarstik by enn accident. Ee woz orva Sundy, fackin' abaaht in iz parla wiv sum kemmikuls, enn ver phaon gehrs, saah ee leaves iz 'speriment ter awnsa ver fackin' fing enn ter cut a laung storey, ee kumms baak ter fynd iz compaahnd az gawt nawked ova bye iz kaat, enn eez gawta plaarstik sorta brahn fillum awn iz binch, lookin' lyker bitta levva.
Reg: Ez vat gawspil or izat fackin gipper woyndin yer aahp?
Col: Nahr, eez awryt. Saah, he takes a clahsar luk attit, enn he sees wort looks loyke an levva grayne innit. Ann ee finks 'fack me, ive invenned summat fablis,' sah ee decydes ter kawl iz noo fing 'fablon' cawze itz fackin fablis. Ennywyse, ee gehrs an ee paytins it, ryte, enn nawunns intrisstid, he carnt get erristed wiv it, baaht, he shaws vat Iffygonads bloak wort was instrawmentulein desoyning ver Mawris Minarr viz staff, enn ees real intrisstid lyke in avvin it fawr usin in ver fackin trimming orvyer cahrs intrears.
Reg: Sahndz lark wags ter wiches storwee Col?
Col: Yehr, coz he moouved ahter Plaarsta ehnd ee gawt himsell' err fackin' manshun at Radlitt. Baaht ee nevva give up work, coz ee gawt in some greement wiv British Lelyandii as it was ter bee kum.
Reg: Nahhr eye seez ver lyte, cozza kors vat explains aah yersze gawt ver fackin awfull plaarstick staff awn yer motawhs lyke yerr Mini Claahbman estate, eye meen wehr wud yaz be wivvaht yer stiky on fackin' fablon awn yer aahtside orv yer Minni? Yer fackin' Wallnutz wurf maw van ver fackin' motawh ter stick orn, enn it aynt gorna larst not in ahr fackin' wevva ezit?
Col: Wheyll, vey did pull a fackin maarsta stroke lyke, bye baylen aaht fackin' Rawls din vey?
Reg: I nevva seen fablon orna fackin Rawls, Col.
Col: Eye meanz, wiv all dew respect ter Connlees, itz ardlee ver sorta fing vey'd be lookin' ter yewze orna tasty motawh like vat, eh? Eye bet her awld Madge'd ave summat ter say abaaht it, if she clawked wiv her beedy eoyes vat summan ahdd fackin' comprimysered ver fackin' Rawller fer sayke orva few hunred quid.
Reg: Eye erd vat alvough sheez gawt vat fackin' great Pallis and all vat, she still gahrs arahnd ver fackin' gaff ternin aaht lytes worts bin left orn.
Col: Eye does salluyte err for vat, coz we awl gorta do ahr bit for ver plannit, eh? Pallis or nahr fackin Pallis.
Col: Wheyll vat's ardlee an mistree innit? Mahst ovvem 'as lykley rasted aaht ter fack by nahr Reg.
Reg: Eye finks vat vey lorst verr way venn vey stawped being BMC.
Col: Wheyn veyz worz Nutfield under ole Lawd Mawriss, it sorta wuurked, baaht yer problem woz vat soon as a fewevem stahted gahn toe ver wahll, vat vey awl staartid getting 'malgamated, eeynd awl vis badge injineerin stahtid.
Reg: Wehyll, yore paahst wore cahrs woz all in rutt. Yerr problem waz lyke, vat ve err woare add seeeriusslee disrahptid yer econnermee ennit? Ehnn all veese cumpnees royt, vey aynt gort ver ackkers ter invest in noo deesoyns.
Col: Finks sar ryte myte, eye means yer add ter wyte a coupla year ter see suffink noo cummin ahtter ver faktries, eye meens, aahnless vey add suffink aahp vehr fackin' sleeves lyke, vat vey kud jahss rawl awt frahm verr fakkrees.
Reg: Corse, wance vey'd gorta bit sawted aaht aafta givin' awld Aadolf enn Terjer a bit orva slaaap, venn, vey kud get awn wiv rerbildin ver pawst woare ekonmy.
Col: Wheyll, vats when you storted ter see vat sorta 'merikan stoylin, ganh all streemloyned lyke.
Reg: Ennd tryan ter ger upmahkit wiv yer fancy names. Like what Oarstins dun wiv ver fackin' Summerset, Devin ann ver fackin' Wessminnister.
Col: Enn Fawd, ahd ter der summit abaht it or miss ver blleedin baaht, eh? Yer kud errnlee der sah much wive ver 8 and 10, sar vey add ter kum up wiv names lyke ver Angela enn Perfick. Strowke orv gernyous ter call a fackin' motawh arfter a fackin byrd voaw.
Reg: Sahr, Oarstins kud awnly gehr awp markitt? arter att. Sahr vey woz klevvva ter yewse ver naymes orv oernly two orv ver fackin' tawp Oonerversi'ees, Awxfawd enn fackin' Caymbrij faw vehr next moddills.
Col: Baaht, vey all adda get attit coz verr worz ah loadah forrin deszoyners vat woz stoylin cahrs, lyke ver fackin Tryamph Errild, yer Forina Oarstin, enn yer fackin' Cor'inna enn all.
Reg: Yehr, vey woz tryan ter tap ver 'merrikan markitt eye reckkins. Baht eye means wear can yerze goes arter Awxfawd? Ernely royle'ee, enn vat was a big fackin' nahr nahr, caus ver fackin' Quinn, she'd ave a fackin' wurd in ver Lawd Charncillo'r's lug ole enn innshaw vat summan at BMC gets a fackin' bawlukkin fawr ett.
Col: Itz yore Royle fackin' prurterkawls innit?
Reg: Ehhn, verr ernlee wye ter gawr worz awp markitt ergin.
Col: Yehr, enn dew no vat yer faymiss Vann den Plaarses worz frawm Plarster?
Reg: Nahr, yerr avvin me on Col.
Col: Nahr, strait aahp Reg, vat faht bloake Farook who azz vat garridge aahp Walfumstah, he wekkins vaat awld Vann den Plaarses worz a Datch bloak.
Reg: Wheyll, vats nawt spryzin, coz yer get awlsawts in ver area, dahnyer?
Col: Wheyll, wot Fawook wrekkins ezz, enn ee erred it frawm izz myte aahp Craach Ind wotz bean inn ver motah tryde fer fackin' yeeaaz, is vat it worz rijinnerllee cawled yer Van dern Plasters, baaht, vey changed it fawr immijj reezins.
Reg: Wyse vat venn myte?
Col: Sahr, ee staartz aaht as a Kemmist ryte, enn eez discuvvad yer akcherawl 'Faablwan' plaarstik by enn accident. Ee woz orva Sundy, fackin' abaaht in iz parla wiv sum kemmikuls, enn ver phaon gehrs, saah ee leaves iz 'speriment ter awnsa ver fackin' fing enn ter cut a laung storey, ee kumms baak ter fynd iz compaahnd az gawt nawked ova bye iz kaat, enn eez gawta plaarstik sorta brahn fillum awn iz binch, lookin' lyker bitta levva.
Reg: Ez vat gawspil or izat fackin gipper woyndin yer aahp?
Col: Nahr, eez awryt. Saah, he takes a clahsar luk attit, enn he sees wort looks loyke an levva grayne innit. Ann ee finks 'fack me, ive invenned summat fablis,' sah ee decydes ter kawl iz noo fing 'fablon' cawze itz fackin fablis. Ennywyse, ee gehrs an ee paytins it, ryte, enn nawunns intrisstid, he carnt get erristed wiv it, baaht, he shaws vat Iffygonads bloak wort was instrawmentulein desoyning ver Mawris Minarr viz staff, enn ees real intrisstid lyke in avvin it fawr usin in ver fackin trimming orvyer cahrs intrears.
Reg: Sahndz lark wags ter wiches storwee Col?
Col: Yehr, coz he moouved ahter Plaarsta ehnd ee gawt himsell' err fackin' manshun at Radlitt. Baaht ee nevva give up work, coz ee gawt in some greement wiv British Lelyandii as it was ter bee kum.
Reg: Nahhr eye seez ver lyte, cozza kors vat explains aah yersze gawt ver fackin awfull plaarstick staff awn yer motawhs lyke yerr Mini Claahbman estate, eye meen wehr wud yaz be wivvaht yer stiky on fackin' fablon awn yer aahtside orv yer Minni? Yer fackin' Wallnutz wurf maw van ver fackin' motawh ter stick orn, enn it aynt gorna larst not in ahr fackin' wevva ezit?
Col: Wheyll, vey did pull a fackin maarsta stroke lyke, bye baylen aaht fackin' Rawls din vey?
Reg: I nevva seen fablon orna fackin Rawls, Col.
Col: Eye meanz, wiv all dew respect ter Connlees, itz ardlee ver sorta fing vey'd be lookin' ter yewze orna tasty motawh like vat, eh? Eye bet her awld Madge'd ave summat ter say abaaht it, if she clawked wiv her beedy eoyes vat summan ahdd fackin' comprimysered ver fackin' Rawller fer sayke orva few hunred quid.
Reg: Eye erd vat alvough sheez gawt vat fackin' great Pallis and all vat, she still gahrs arahnd ver fackin' gaff ternin aaht lytes worts bin left orn.
Col: Eye does salluyte err for vat, coz we awl gorta do ahr bit for ver plannit, eh? Pallis or nahr fackin Pallis.
Reg: Sahr, wortz Lellandii doin wiv fackin Rawls venn?
Col: Wheyl, Oarstins worz arsked ter bild sum sorta Jipp orf udder enn Rawls mayde ver enjinns fawr itt. Baaht, it was nevva much kawp sahr, vey 'bandined it enn vey getz in tarch wivv awld Vee Pee abaaht uzin ver awald Farina shell lyke and restoylin it and cawlin it summat else verr fackin' Prinzess, corz verr embargio on uzin royle names lyke was different, slong as yer dint cawl it a 'madge' or summat yewz woz ulryte.
Reg: Enn vey kahn charjeya an extrer fackin Ayrab fer yer fackin' Fablon eh?
Col: An yerr ryte mate, yer stix er fackin' crahhn awn ver fackin raydia'orr shell enn putz enn Van den Plarse badge awn ver fackin' boot enn Bawbs yer unkill. Vewwy clevar bit orve markitting.
Reg: Enn vey made a fackin' llegra vershun, eye means vats lyke gold platen a dawg turd, innit? Eye says, ez still a fackin' dawg turd at ver enn orv ver day, eh? Lyke eye sez ver ovva day lyke, ett aynt nahr fackin' Alfards Romayer, ryte?
Col: Wheyyl yewze kudd avv fakin' levva seats if yewze wannit, awr yewze kud ave verr fackin' verlewer vat darn't larst. Baaht yerr did aves yer fackin; crahn awn yore radia'orr, sarse yer ku pritind yewse was fackin' Royles or ver upper klarsis if yews worze vose prawntenshus toypes. Eh?
Col: Wheyyl yewze kudd avv fakin' levva seats if yewze wannit, awr yewze kud ave verr fackin' verlewer vat darn't larst. Baaht yerr did aves yer fackin; crahn awn yore radia'orr, sarse yer ku pritind yewse was fackin' Royles or ver upper klarsis if yews worze vose prawntenshus toypes. Eh?
Col: Trubble worz vat verr pawr bloaks wot worz avvena make awp veeze fackin' motahws worz awl gettin' pulled aht orn fackin' stryke abaaht every fackin' five minnits by ver cantin' shawp stewids. Eye meenz, vats wort reely facked ahp ver ole country in ver sevvenieez.
Reg: Enn, eye fink yorz ryte mate,enn eer's me bleeding stawp, ta ra Col!
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