Clapham Omniblog: Awstrahlia?

Clapham Omniblog - Awstrahlia?

In which Colin and Reg discuss Col's trip to Australia

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Fack me Col, where's you bin, ah fawht yerd gawn an' died.

Col: 'old yer bleedin' awses Reg, ah's bin ter Awstrahlier, dintcha git me bleedin' postcard?

Reg: Yer, yer muss 'ave a right bundle of Orange ter affawd vat sort awliday.

Col: Well, aye ahd wun of vose anewdities come up, sah ver awld trahble insisted we went aht ver ter see her cuzzin.

Reg: Any good?

Col: Fackin mayzin myte. Fakkin bawstid of a jerney, abaht a day's flight.

Reg: Jer miss Cannin' 'ahn venn?

Col: No.

Reg: My old woman's awn abaht gahn abrawd, fackin' Majawkus or summat like vat. Myte look et Bennydawm or Ibeefia awr Lanzerotti. Spose it beats Clacton or Sarfend.

Col: Sarfend's ver awrsole awve Essix, 'sa ryte fackin' dump. Ver's awl vose re'irement places up ver East cahst, lyke Nawfuk en Linkunsheer, noyzee beacis in ver summa en fackin' wet and grey in ver fackin winn'a.

Reg: Yer, maykez yer looz ver fackin' will, dunnit? Fack me, s'lahk an jerry attrix's open prison. 'Ere, dja kno Ted Smiff's moved?

Col: Wot Ted oo played ver Banjer dahn ver Fevvers?

Reg: Yer, vats ryte Col. Jus upz en leaves, moved ter fackin' Linkunsheer 'en ee.

Col: Eye errd vat ver Fevvis is gern, 'an all.

Reg: Syne orv ver tymes Col. Veyz awl clahsen dahn, awr bean mayde inner feam pubz awr trendy gaffs vor ver Ippsters and yer trendy types wots bine up playcis dahn in Wahtchappl, awl voze places dahn Eest,

Col: Aye rimembiz venn yer kud bah wun of voze gaffs dahn Eest Ayte fer fack all munny. Bahta cuppler fahsand kwid, mynd yer, vaht worz in ver erly sixties, eye mean wort vey gawn for nah? Baht best part of a millyun?

Reg: Ah tahmes change, myte.

Col: Yer an' nawt fawr ver betta 'n awl. Ennyways, I'm gittin' awf myte, Ahll see yerz in ver Fevvers wan nyte, fawr its gawn.

Reg: Yer, tra myte.

Are you having a mid-life crisis? How to deal with moving forwards

Alert: You might just have hit the manopause!

A lot of people hit the 45 plus age range and suddenly notice things are different. It happens to both men and women.

Perhaps you have just hit a key part of your life or a change moment. Maybe your aspirations have changed, your lifestyle. There are a lot of subliminal changes that can manifest and as if by magic, suddenly an impact happens.

You might get the urge to try something new or

you might now have the money you never had earlier in your life.

The 40 plus band is the time when you are likely to hit the danger zone. That is when the children may have gone off to university or left home, you divorce, grow apart, lose the long term job and maybe just decide to relocate and enjoy life.

Some people may hit a patch of frustration, where they want to progress but have not been able to be motivated or to have the ability or perhaps the time.

Some may have had a family and put them first, indeed they may still have family but yet seem unfulfilled. Perhaps they are trying to do too much at once.

It could be worse, I bought a London Transport Routemaster -

now that's a real mid-life crisis!

Perhaps they have friends who are unencumbered with family or similar responsibilities, that can make some feel jealous. But they will win in the end, as they will have a future generation, unlike their childless friends who will only have each other, if they are lucky.

Our consumer driven lifestyle is certainly to blame for some problems. Aspirations to have, are things that drive people to over extend themselves and think they want them, only in hindsight for these people to feel unfulfilled.

The 'New Age' which borrows much from the American Indian heritage and culture, appeals to many who are either burned out or who have seen through the bullshit of modern life and all that entails.

Automation is now killing the jobs market - will you be next?

With automation making big inroads into our lives, it will come where many do not have jobs to go to and a Basic Income Guarantee will have to come into take up the slack and provide a safety net.

The time is coming to think about what you want to do to with your life in the later stages. I would say start to plan now because the rise of the robots is well and truly on its way. Tomorrow is all about what you want to do. So go and do it!

.

Clapham Omniblog - The Monarchy and all things Royal and dutiful, all subjects bland and dull

In which Colin and Reg discuss the Monarchy and Royalty, in their own inimitable style

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, aah menny penshunners orv abaaht nyen'ee dew fink es still wurkin' mate? Cawse vehr's vis orld boy abaaht nyenee fawr raht, enn ee's still wurkin' at sum jawb aahp Bee enn Kew, es in me Daiwwy Miwwa, ear, ave a butcher's.

Col: Wheyll, eye reckins vat ver Queen az ter be be in vehr alorng wiv old Phil ver Bubble.

Reg: Muss be a jawb fer loife bean a Royul, innit? Eye spoze vey lurns it frawm verr parents lyke. Whylst mahst orvus dustbin lids is lurnin' frawm Janet enn Jawn books, her Madge and ver late Marge, mustave bin lurnin' fings lahke ope'nin curt'ins enn naming ships and awl vat sorta shit, frawm an urly ayge.

Col: Stans ter raisin, cawse its awl problee wurd orv mahf, eye darn't spose vehr's a royul fackin' 'strucshun manuel abaht fings lahk vat. Jawbs fawr ver Royuls, vey darn wornt nar Tawm, Dick owr 'Arry vat ain't a Prince 'Arry loike, gettin' ter nawr abaht it, cawse ovverwise it deelutes yer brans darn it? Eye mean, yerz carn't 'ave yer 'aahse orv Winsur brand and 'ave sum facker frawm a cahnsil 'state gahn rahnd doin' vehr sorta work forem, eh?

Reg: Well, eye mean, vey say Prinsuss Dearna worz an communer, baht she worz orv yer c'nnectid clarses. Eye mean s'nawt lahke she worz cawmun, orf orv sum fackin' cahnsil 'state in 'ackney, eh? Eye mean, she wurn't fackin' cawmun lyke us, gawd rest 'err.

Col: Vehr's sum vat sez vat ope'nin curtins aynt real work, baht eye finks vehr's mawr terr 'it van peepul fink, lahk.

Reg: Zacklee, mayte. Eye mean, yew ave ter gehr ranhd shakin' ands wiv all sorts a peepull vat's lahrnin' aahp ter 'ave an butcher's at yer. Eye means arfter yer furst arfa duzzin fackin' bookits of flahrs, Her Madje maahst fink, 'Aw fackin' strahk a fackin' laaht, mawr fackin' flahrs.' But eye guess it maahst be differkult ter get her sumfink as a prezint, cawse sheez gawt fackin' Pallissis enn awl sorts.

Col: Wheyll, sheez gawt mawr fackin' Tee arr errs van fackin' edds ter wear 'em awn, enn ett muss be an fackin' 'mare ter have ter trah and choose summat ter wear. She maahst have fackin' fahsinds orv aahtfits, meybee err Lady in waiten, as ter lead err blahnd fawlded alorng ver fackin' rahrs orv wordrobes enn she must just stawp orf ett randim enn, put her awld sax coburg goffa rubber bahnd orn sum aahtfit enn juss 'ope to ter fack' it's errpro prit, eh?

Reg: Wheyll, eye spoze verrs sahr menny vat, ett dahn't fackin' maa'err if she picks ver wraung wan, eh? Coz verr's bahnd ter be sammit elss clahse bye. Eh?

Col: Muss be almowss as big a assell a 'avin ter shake rubbers awl day enn arsk sum facker 'enn wort der yewze do?' enn trah enn look fackin' intrest'id.

Reg: Cawse awld Phil ver bubble, he az iz fahn, enn ee doan cayre wort he sez ter anny 'unn. Eye mean ifs yew 'happen ter be a chinky or summat enn ver sun's aht, ees as larkly as nawt ter say sumfin abaht slitty ahes or suffink. Ee means well, baht yew wunner sahm'imes wevver ees saylin clahrse ter verr winn' orn purrpiss, awr maybe ees 'avin an bet wiv iz awld trubble enn strarfe ter see wawt ee ken get away wiv?

Col: Will, maybe ee gets bawd enn we awl lahke a larf doan we? Awl Chas darn do it duzzee?

Reg: Maybe eez gorta beeayve 'imsell', sahr err awld Madge can be cawnfeedent orv 'andin over verr rains ter him ahnless she's shaw ezz awright aattit.

Col: Yehr baht Reg, verr pawr facker's abaaht reetahring age, enn ee aynt eevin stawted verr fackin' jawb orve bean ver mawnukk yet.

Reg: It mahst be vewwy frahstratin' ter 'aave ter keep doenn it lahke yerze still gortya fackin' 'ell playtes orn. Awr, maybe ee 'as M fawr Mawnark orn izz?

Col: Ah der yerr fink Cummilla owldes her licker Reg?

Reg: Bah ees eers eye spoze?

Col: Eye mean vat troopin' orve verr cahller, eye means veys awl dressd in red, yewd fink vey maht chooze summat ells orva kuller ter gehr in each yeaar, lahke maybe Pigeon Gray owr Vahlet, suffink different, aah baht yeller fawr a change?

Reg: Maybe veyz as ter be kerreful wiv verr ackers, cawse it mahst cawst a fackin' forchewne terr rahn vat sorta shahw. Veyz gawt Pallises and awl sorts, veyve gawt servints ter opin and chlase ver fackin' kurtins yer knaw?

Col: Well, mahst be lahke a buss man's fackin' awliday ovverwyse, enn it?

Reg: Wheyll orwl vat en'err'aining mahst be an awferl fackin' drag, mahst be lahke 'avvin yer rella'ives yer carn't fackin' stan over fawr 'inner, lahke? If veyz ennyfink lahke ahrs, venn ahs ixpict vat vey mahst fink 'fank gawd fawr vat,' summ'imes ven vey venchewerly fark orf, eh? 

Col: Mahs gahr wiv yer turf, ey? Baht yerrd fink abaht ahr much vey doo ter boost ahr cahn'ry enn get ahs expawts akrawss ver worl, enn vey aahve ter enn'erain awl enn fackin' sahndree, wiv dinnahs enn sach lahke, we aynt tallkin fackin' fish fingaz enn chips, nahr vis iz yer fackin' Gawdin Blue kewzeen stahf.

Reg: Yer gawta push ver baht aht, ennyah? Yef carnt fack abaht wiv staff frahm Aahseland awr yer Bejamms, cann yer? Eye means sum orve vehr gissts maht lahk an Aactic Rawl, Black Forris Gatox awr ern Walls Veernetta, baht yer juss carnt take ver charnce can yer? Yer dahn wanna affend ver fackers, cawse vey maht staht tellin' vehr mates enn ett kud cawse wun orv vem Diplermattick Incidents. Lahke servin' yer Machews Roses, whayen yer shud 'ave crak'd ahpen yer fahnest Bordox Clarritt, etts ver sorta orv forkes parrses vat yer carnt erfawd ter mayke, nawt at vat levill orve ver game, eh?

Col: Muss be ahn oarfell prawblim fawr vem, cawse its nawt lahke vey can juss nipp dahn ver loacull shawps, izzit? Say awld Phil ver Bubble, maht juss fahncy a strawl dahn ter ver fackin' nooze aygents, enn get imself a cawpy orve verr Spawtin' Larfe fawr ver awld wumman en a pakkit orv Mor'eeza's or summat enn parse ver 'ime orve day wiv yer lahkly, Ayzhun nooze agent, enn ah aynt bean an rayshullist, baaht, stistikllee, as enn nooze agint, es mawr van lahklee ter be a Parkystarni or summat forrin, enn ezz prawblee, gahnna rahn ver risk orve awld Phil sayin summat vat maht be cawnstrudled aaz rayshullist bah sahm fackin' doo guddin cant, bah's ackerchewlee innersint, enn jas 'aykin ahta cawnsept, eh? 

Reg: S' ver foam enn bubble innit? Wheyll ez sed vat awld Phil as aahn awl Lahnden 'axi raht, enn ee gehrs awht drahvin abaht, enn nahwun nahws etts imm?

Col: Vat's juss arrskin fawr er bitta fahm enn baable innit? Eye mean, wort if awld Phill's stawped at ver trarffic loytes at fackin' Picker'illee Sirkiss, enn sahm forriner gets in iz kaab an awsks imm in sum sorta Pidgin English ter gehr ter fackin' 'ahnslerr or summat orf iz patch.

Reg: Enn yerr's can juss ermajin verr cawnversayshun verr, vat awld Phill's gorna kum aaht wiv, 'eed mahte juss fawr a fackin' larf, 'eed drarve 'imm dahn ter fackin' 'aahnsler. Ar bet ver forriner maht twig itt and be lookin' rahnd fawr Jerrermee fackin' Beadull.

Col: Vat's a grate pitee vat awld Beadull never pulled wahn skitch loyke vatt.

Reg: Ee kuddave s'gested it aht wun orve vem brayn stawmin' meetin's lahke, baht maybe ver Manjers aahpsters gawt fackin' windee 'baht it enn sed vey kunna do it. Shame, ett wood ave been a fackin' treat fawr awld Beadull ter stepp aht frawm bee ind suma fackin' traarfik lytes at ver Mall in iz Pleece yewnerfawm enn see if viz fawrin bloak worz game fawr a larf, lahke?

Col: Phill, eed prawblee be ahp fawr it, spoze weal never nawr eh?

Reg: Cawr blahmee, eez me stawp Col, be a raht fackin' rawl argewmint if ah missus it, ta ra Col.

Clapham Omniblog - How it started and where the charachter inspiration came from.

The Clapham Omniblog and the Clapham Omnibus - What happened was...

It started out as a bit of a joke between my (recently) late friend Colin, (who was 82) and me. Colin had been born in Camberwell and I was made in Ealing and had lived in Teddington for four years so that sort of makes me a token Londoner, by default. In fact we both jointly owned a London Transport Routemaster bus. And his late father worked for London Transport. So this is all rather coincidental! Bit Proustian!

I like to do the odd impression and voiceover and I used to amuse Colin with a few of them of famous people and celebrities as he used to phone me up regularly, about 4 times a week. He was very interested in current affairs and we often talked about what was in the papers, a few years back he mentioned the (now late) Union Leader Bob Crowe of the RMT.

This was in the days of the reported alleged largesse of the union lunch and wine bills and so we were having a laugh about Mr Crowe's entertaining and I did one of my specials for Colin, in character as Bob Crowe with the voice and he fell about, so it sort of led to me developing my character of Reg.

We dispensed in our knockabout improvised sketch with Bob's Grand Cru Bordeaux wines and instead opted for a more working man's Mateus Rose, but we twisted this to become 'Machews Roses' and the unfortunate Black Forest Gateaux morphed into 'Blaahk Forris Gattoxes.' The old Machews being dispensed out of a Carafe, which became a Giraffe in our arena and by Colin's surrealism, a Camel. We found it hilarious. 'How many Camels have you got?' he would ask.

Back in the early 1980's before meeting Colin, I remember seeing a program on the East End and there was one old chap in the program who was from Canning Town, right in the East End, he had a unique diction, often missing out letters from his pronunciation, so for instance 'Canning Town,' became ''annin' 'ahnn.' And Council house, was pronounced as 'Cahrnsel 'aahse.'

I'd never heard this 'local dialect' before and this chap who was from Plaistow, which you might pronounce as it looks like 'Play-stow,' except his high pitched voice seemed to make it sound like 'Plaar-stow.' I remember one thing he said, was (in 'English first,')  'If I want entertainment, I go up (to) Canning Town.' So this was pronounced by him as 'If eye wants en'er'ainment, eye goes ahp ' 'annin' 'ahn.'

Indeed in 1977, I was accused by a French teacher of being a Cockney, even though I had only moved schools from about 2 miles away and I had not lived in London for seven years and the 'London' sound had only come from where I had lived in the previous four years which was not in London by over thirty miles inside the Stockbroker belt.

So, this inventive mind of mine, my love of comedy and this strange melange of situations and circumstances, evolved in my phone conversations with Colin. Indeed, he bought a Renault car and I had known a number of people who owned foreign make cars and often mispronounced the names. Such as a Peugeot properly being pronounced as 'Purr-jeau' becoming 'Pugh-joe.' Or possibly even a 'Pudge-it.'

So the Renault became a Wren-ault, an East End rendering of the pronounced 'Wren-oh,' of course we needed a place where it was bought and of course with our friend Bob's diction in mind, it had to be Hainault, so Colin's car became the fictitious 'Wren-ult of ain-ault.' And much fun we had with that. Having to go 'ahp 'ainawlt ter get me Ren-awlt fixt.'

Questions like 'ahr menee Camels of Machewses Rahsis can yer get in yer Wren-ault?' led to much merriment and so the concept came about, essentially as a comedy vehicle, you might say.

Although I had recorded one sketch in this incarnation with the sound of a London Transport Routemaster bus as my background using the Reg and Colin charachters, I hadn't written any more material as I was engaged on crime fiction writing for some years, but with the recent passing of Colin, I recalled our exchanges and wrote a sketch about the Renault from Hainault as a tribute, others seemed to slot in and almost write themselves. It seemed worth exploring, the musings of two elderly East End residents further.

I remembered the old chap from Plaistow and his diction and it seemed like it was inviting itself to be written that way. I recall years back at secondary school being bollocked by an English teacher about writing a piece of work in a Yorkshire dialect.

Wrongly criticised I felt, as the piece demanded a Yorkshire voice because it didn't really work in BBC English!  so I thought 'fack it, aisle rite it aahw it bleedin' well sahnds!' So I have.

Aaahnd, ere ett iz, verr Clapum Ormniblog. Via Camberwell Green. 'an Plarsterr' or Plaistow.

But of course, it would be lazy to leave it just there, so I incorporated the malapropisms of an old Londoner I worked for years ago into the sketches, which added a new dimension.

Much as I admired Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's work, their Derek and Clive characters

plummeted too far into the toilet via too much alcohol and resentment, so I introduced a more 'acceptable' form of mis-spelt profanity into my sketches where appropriate, if there can be such a thing!

I liked their 'Dagenham dialogues,' greatly, so I moved this type of setup on to when these sorts of characters might be around seventy years old, with the benefit of a great deal of real-life experience to discuss, but away from the comedic Pete and Dud and to another place. It was a reference point, not plagiarism.

In the 1980's, my mum had our house painted by a pair of Brothers did the job for us and listening to them was hilarious talking about subjects as diverse as the then famous footballer Paul Gascoigne, I remember one saying 'Gazza, ee can't handle it' (the media pressure) and this sort of added another dimension to this oeuvre.

So, hold very tight please and take your seat on Route 155 on the Clapham Omniblog, I hope you enjoy the musings of Reg and Colin, which I would like to put on video soon, as you may find the pigeon cockerney a bit difficult to follow, even if it is spelt phonetically!

RIP Camberwell Col.

Clapham Omniblog - Colin's Renawlt

In which Colin buys a used car, a Renault from Hainault

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Awright mate, yer gat yerself a motah ahfter all?

Colin: Yer, gawn an bawt meself a Renawlt Megun.

Reg: A Renawlt?

Colin: Yer. Well, eyes fawt abaht getten a Fawd, but ah see vis garridge from the choob when I was goin' watchin' the 'Ammers away ap arahnd Ainalt. Ser, I goes ahn as a look, like.

Reg: Any facking good?

Colin: Looked alright, been toshed up. Nice paint. Sah, I asks the geezer wot he cud do.

Reg: Bet he ripped ya, fackin Essix, init.

Colin:Geezer reckoned he'd have me Mondeeo an' fifteen hundred off me.

Reg: Chancer.

Colin: So I tole him to fack right orf. Its wurf two, me Mondeeo an' a Monkey, take it or leave it.

Reg: He bite on it?

Colin: Yeah, saved meself an Arab. Fackin' tasty.

Reg: Sahnds a bit of a cheeky cant.

Colin: Worl, facking Essix mate inhe. Wunnt try that rahn fackin' Cannin 'aahn, wood e?

Reg: Sahnd's like e needs a slaap. Cant. Slap the facker, all the way ter fackin' Sarfend. Wot's it like, yer Renawlt?

Colin: Fackin pile o' shit.

Reg: Wots wrong wiv it Col?
Colin: Fackin' indicator bulb gawn. Vat's wot.

Reg: That all?

Colin: Nar, matey rekkund it a take a facking day to change it.

Reg: Sahnds like heez 'avin a fackin' Giraffe mate.

Colin: Nar, strait aap, rekkins ee'll have ter take alf the facking trim of the frahnt wing to get at it.

Reg: Fakkin eezy on a fackin Fawd, say that faw 'em. So, watcha gonna do abaht it?

Colin: Stick it in a fackin' oction, get fackin' shot of it.

Reg: Wot you gonna get then mate?
Colin: Fackin Fawd, you knows where yewze are with a fackin Fawd.

Reg: Fackin' roight.

Colin: Fackin' fawren cahrs.

Reg: Yer, best fackin' aaht of it mate. See yer, ere's me stop.