In which Colin and Reg discuss the Monarchy and Royalty, in their own inimitable style
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Ere ere Col, aah menny penshunners orv abaaht nyen'ee dew fink es still wurkin' mate? Cawse vehr's vis orld boy abaaht nyenee fawr raht, enn ee's still wurkin' at sum jawb aahp Bee enn Kew, es in me Daiwwy Miwwa, ear, ave a butcher's.
Col: Wheyll, eye reckins vat ver Queen az ter be be in vehr alorng wiv old Phil ver Bubble.
Reg: Muss be a jawb fer loife bean a Royul, innit? Eye spoze vey lurns it frawm verr parents lyke. Whylst mahst orvus dustbin lids is lurnin' frawm Janet enn Jawn books, her Madge and ver late Marge, mustave bin lurnin' fings lahke ope'nin curt'ins enn naming ships and awl vat sorta shit, frawm an urly ayge.
Col: Stans ter raisin, cawse its awl problee wurd orv mahf, eye darn't spose vehr's a royul fackin' 'strucshun manuel abaht fings lahk vat. Jawbs fawr ver Royuls, vey darn wornt nar Tawm, Dick owr 'Arry vat ain't a Prince 'Arry loike, gettin' ter nawr abaht it, cawse ovverwise it deelutes yer brans darn it? Eye mean, yerz carn't 'ave yer 'aahse orv Winsur brand and 'ave sum facker frawm a cahnsil 'state gahn rahnd doin' vehr sorta work forem, eh?
Reg: Well, eye mean, vey say Prinsuss Dearna worz an communer, baht she worz orv yer c'nnectid clarses. Eye mean s'nawt lahke she worz cawmun, orf orv sum fackin' cahnsil 'state in 'ackney, eh? Eye mean, she wurn't fackin' cawmun lyke us, gawd rest 'err.
Col: Vehr's sum vat sez vat ope'nin curtins aynt real work, baht eye finks vehr's mawr terr 'it van peepul fink, lahk.
Reg: Zacklee, mayte. Eye mean, yew ave ter gehr ranhd shakin' ands wiv all sorts a peepull vat's lahrnin' aahp ter 'ave an butcher's at yer. Eye means arfter yer furst arfa duzzin fackin' bookits of flahrs, Her Madje maahst fink, 'Aw fackin' strahk a fackin' laaht, mawr fackin' flahrs.' But eye guess it maahst be differkult ter get her sumfink as a prezint, cawse sheez gawt fackin' Pallissis enn awl sorts.
Col: Wheyll, sheez gawt mawr fackin' Tee arr errs van fackin' edds ter wear 'em awn, enn ett muss be an fackin' 'mare ter have ter trah and choose summat ter wear. She maahst have fackin' fahsinds orv aahtfits, meybee err Lady in waiten, as ter lead err blahnd fawlded alorng ver fackin' rahrs orv wordrobes enn she must just stawp orf ett randim enn, put her awld sax coburg goffa rubber bahnd orn sum aahtfit enn juss 'ope to ter fack' it's errpro prit, eh?
Reg: Wheyll, eye spoze verrs sahr menny vat, ett dahn't fackin' maa'err if she picks ver wraung wan, eh? Coz verr's bahnd ter be sammit elss clahse bye. Eh?
Col: Muss be almowss as big a assell a 'avin ter shake rubbers awl day enn arsk sum facker 'enn wort der yewze do?' enn trah enn look fackin' intrest'id.
Reg: Cawse awld Phil ver bubble, he az iz fahn, enn ee doan cayre wort he sez ter anny 'unn. Eye mean ifs yew 'happen ter be a chinky or summat enn ver sun's aht, ees as larkly as nawt ter say sumfin abaht slitty ahes or suffink. Ee means well, baht yew wunner sahm'imes wevver ees saylin clahrse ter verr winn' orn purrpiss, awr maybe ees 'avin an bet wiv iz awld trubble enn strarfe ter see wawt ee ken get away wiv?
Col: Will, maybe ee gets bawd enn we awl lahke a larf doan we? Awl Chas darn do it duzzee?
Reg: Maybe eez gorta beeayve 'imsell', sahr err awld Madge can be cawnfeedent orv 'andin over verr rains ter him ahnless she's shaw ezz awright aattit.
Col: Yehr baht Reg, verr pawr facker's abaaht reetahring age, enn ee aynt eevin stawted verr fackin' jawb orve bean ver mawnukk yet.
Reg: It mahst be vewwy frahstratin' ter 'aave ter keep doenn it lahke yerze still gortya fackin' 'ell playtes orn. Awr, maybe ee 'as M fawr Mawnark orn izz?
Col: Ah der yerr fink Cummilla owldes her licker Reg?
Reg: Bah ees eers eye spoze?
Col: Eye mean vat troopin' orve verr cahller, eye means veys awl dressd in red, yewd fink vey maht chooze summat ells orva kuller ter gehr in each yeaar, lahke maybe Pigeon Gray owr Vahlet, suffink different, aah baht yeller fawr a change?
Reg: Maybe veyz as ter be kerreful wiv verr ackers, cawse it mahst cawst a fackin' forchewne terr rahn vat sorta shahw. Veyz gawt Pallises and awl sorts, veyve gawt servints ter opin and chlase ver fackin' kurtins yer knaw?
Col: Well, mahst be lahke a buss man's fackin' awliday ovverwyse, enn it?
Reg: Wheyll orwl vat en'err'aining mahst be an awferl fackin' drag, mahst be lahke 'avvin yer rella'ives yer carn't fackin' stan over fawr 'inner, lahke? If veyz ennyfink lahke ahrs, venn ahs ixpict vat vey mahst fink 'fank gawd fawr vat,' summ'imes ven vey venchewerly fark orf, eh?
Col: Mahs gahr wiv yer turf, ey? Baht yerrd fink abaht ahr much vey doo ter boost ahr cahn'ry enn get ahs expawts akrawss ver worl, enn vey aahve ter enn'erain awl enn fackin' sahndree, wiv dinnahs enn sach lahke, we aynt tallkin fackin' fish fingaz enn chips, nahr vis iz yer fackin' Gawdin Blue kewzeen stahf.
Reg: Yer gawta push ver baht aht, ennyah? Yef carnt fack abaht wiv staff frahm Aahseland awr yer Bejamms, cann yer? Eye means sum orve vehr gissts maht lahk an Aactic Rawl, Black Forris Gatox awr ern Walls Veernetta, baht yer juss carnt take ver charnce can yer? Yer dahn wanna affend ver fackers, cawse vey maht staht tellin' vehr mates enn ett kud cawse wun orv vem Diplermattick Incidents. Lahke servin' yer Machews Roses, whayen yer shud 'ave crak'd ahpen yer fahnest Bordox Clarritt, etts ver sorta orv forkes parrses vat yer carnt erfawd ter mayke, nawt at vat levill orve ver game, eh?
Col: Muss be ahn oarfell prawblim fawr vem, cawse its nawt lahke vey can juss nipp dahn ver loacull shawps, izzit? Say awld Phil ver Bubble, maht juss fahncy a strawl dahn ter ver fackin' nooze aygents, enn get imself a cawpy orve verr Spawtin' Larfe fawr ver awld wumman en a pakkit orv Mor'eeza's or summat enn parse ver 'ime orve day wiv yer lahkly, Ayzhun nooze agent, enn ah aynt bean an rayshullist, baaht, stistikllee, as enn nooze agint, es mawr van lahklee ter be a Parkystarni or summat forrin, enn ezz prawblee, gahnna rahn ver risk orve awld Phil sayin summat vat maht be cawnstrudled aaz rayshullist bah sahm fackin' doo guddin cant, bah's ackerchewlee innersint, enn jas 'aykin ahta cawnsept, eh?
Reg: S' ver foam enn bubble innit? Wheyll ez sed vat awld Phil as aahn awl Lahnden 'axi raht, enn ee gehrs awht drahvin abaht, enn nahwun nahws etts imm?
Col: Vat's juss arrskin fawr er bitta fahm enn baable innit? Eye mean, wort if awld Phill's stawped at ver trarffic loytes at fackin' Picker'illee Sirkiss, enn sahm forriner gets in iz kaab an awsks imm in sum sorta Pidgin English ter gehr ter fackin' 'ahnslerr or summat orf iz patch.
Reg: Enn yerr's can juss ermajin verr cawnversayshun verr, vat awld Phill's gorna kum aaht wiv, 'eed mahte juss fawr a fackin' larf, 'eed drarve 'imm dahn ter fackin' 'aahnsler. Ar bet ver forriner maht twig itt and be lookin' rahnd fawr Jerrermee fackin' Beadull.
Col: Vat's a grate pitee vat awld Beadull never pulled wahn skitch loyke vatt.
Reg: Ee kuddave s'gested it aht wun orve vem brayn stawmin' meetin's lahke, baht maybe ver Manjers aahpsters gawt fackin' windee 'baht it enn sed vey kunna do it. Shame, ett wood ave been a fackin' treat fawr awld Beadull ter stepp aht frawm bee ind suma fackin' traarfik lytes at ver Mall in iz Pleece yewnerfawm enn see if viz fawrin bloak worz game fawr a larf, lahke?
Col: Phill, eed prawblee be ahp fawr it, spoze weal never nawr eh?
Reg: Cawr blahmee, eez me stawp Col, be a raht fackin' rawl argewmint if ah missus it, ta ra Col.
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