In which Colin and Reg venture into the world of Merkins and pubic topiary
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: I say Col, I wus readin' a book on Victorian crime and ver was this Brass innit who ewsed ter grind up her Rubiks inter snuff an' sell it on ter er punters as extrers.
Colin: I spose vats wot they mean by 'minge benefits,' eh mate?
Reg: I dough no bout ewe mate, but I prefers ter see the old pink money box.
Col: Indeed, a trimmed snatch is a joy to behold, otherwise it's like being a jungle explorer.
Reg: Only I wuz lookin' in ver Mirror ve over day, en ver woz this story abaht vis burd who woz doin' a love scene onner film, as yer do, 'cept she 'ad ter wig up for it.
Col: Me wife's got an Irish.
Reg: Yer mate, but vis woz for her dahnstairs, rahnd the Mulberry bush, or instead of, yer git me drift?
Col: I fink ser mate, ye mean she'd cleaved off her Erno's
Reg: Oh yer, Bic 1, Rubicks Cubes 0.
Col: You remember back in the 80's, in the Exchange and Mart, ver woz that place used ta advertise in ver adult secshun, place in Strettum, ohh, wot woz the place?
Reg: Trevor's world of Merkins? Wasn't that the Merton Merkinarium before that?
Col: Yeh, woz run by that bloke Trevor, didn't he have a bruvver, Welsh were'nt they?
Reg: Yeh, Mervyn. Vey were famous for 'em. Mervyn 'ad a shop in Wales dinnee as well, Mervyn's Marvellous Myrfer Murkins. Inna place called Myrfer Titfull or sommat like 'at.
Col: Yeh, 'member he 'ad a Royal Warrant, from Edwardian 'imes, his Granfarver in noine 'een 'en, made 'em fer ver venn Prins o' Wales.
Reg: 's right, ee use' ter 'ave a pic-chewer of it in 'is Strettum shop, he woz rite prahd 've it. 'Supplier of Pubic Topiary to his Majesty the Prins o' Wales.'
Col: Well mate, tradition, used ter gehr back ter ver 'enry ver eitfs 'ime, Chewdors 'an all vat.
Reg: Yer, ver woz vat place up off Mudchute, one o' 'em collidgies, sorta like Goldsmifs, only fer knobwigs and vat sorta stuff. Vey add sum sorta Gild like, ver Wurshipful kumpanee of Merkineers, yer ad ter du a seven year 'prenticeship ahnd yer ad ter be able make a fackin' merkin fit fer a royl ter parse lyke.
Col: Want vat ver Lunnon Skule of Merketry? I always wundad what vat was. Oi arsked my ol' man once wot it wos, ee jus' sed 'Gertcha' enn tried ter clip me fackin' eer 'ole. Fackin' cahsun!
Reg: There wos this program wiv vis Wursley bird, she nose a lot abaht 'istry an' ver like. Well, vey said on vis program, vat er, 'cos vey only 'ad a barf abaht twarce a bleedin' year, well, vey used ter niff a bit, spechlee dahn belhar, if yer fullow.
Col: Funny yer shud say vat.
Reg: Well, pparentlee, vey used ta dispense wiv the ole'dahnstairs beard, en' 'ave 'em sells replekers made up aht a reel ' Lionel Blair. Strait ahp mate. Ehnd ven vey yoosta 'ave vese Cottin baags o' Lavender an Rowsmree danglin' rahnd the Jenny Tayhla. Wot vat Wursley bird said. Sorta git rid uva smella dekay and stuff.
Col: Well, en Viktorun 'imes, ver woz vat faymuss Gennilman's ahtfittas call Jeeves n' Orks, vey 'ad er Royl Warrunt fer Prins Ahlbet, dint vey?
Reg: Oi fawt he woz faymuss fer avin' er ring pearced fru ver end of his ole mahn?
Col: Sow itz sed. I 'ave et onn good auforii-ee vat ee usta be a very gud customer of ver secrut depaartmnt.
Reg: Wotwoz vat mate?
Col: It woz ver Lunnon Merkinarium, wannit? Jeeves an' Orks woz famus fawit, onlee if yewse woz ver landid gentree or a Royl.
Reg: Nevver 'erd ofit mate.
Col: Nah, yer never wood, 'coz it was sekrit, loike. Not onlee did vey 'ave ver Royl Warrunt for ver aahse ov Saxe Coburg Goffer, but, vey also 'add ver fackin' Royl Warrunts fer abaht half yer bleeding Royl famlees in ver fackin' wurl.
Reg: Well, fack me an' ger to the fott of me ole Apples!
Col: I new vis bloak Derik, usta work up ver Tahr uv Lunnon, ee reckins ver's lodes a secrit shit vat ver public never sees in staw. He shawed me rand wunce, but keep et ter yerself!
Reg: Gore on mate, wot yer see?
Col: Well, 'ee show me vis wot looks like an er buk, onlee when yer open ver cuvver, ver was a fackin' grate void in wear sum can't ad' only gawn 'en cut aaht a fackin' grate 'ole. Raht fru ver fackin' pages. I meen, as a fackin' buk, vat buk compete, nahr a daze, wooda bin wurf a fackin' fawchune in iz own rite.
Reg: Sar, wot wuz ver fackin' 'ole fawr ven?
Col: Well, my mate Derik, he tawld me vat he'd been tole by ve 'edd Kreator of ver Tahr, vat it waz a sekrit depositree fawr storin' of a Merkin, vat ad rijinly bin made in yer fackin' Chewdur era.
Reg: Who waz vat fawr ven?
Col: 'ee wunant say. Ee sed it was genuwin, ee reckund vat ee add providence, ee reckund vat ee add letta in ver arkivs witch woz writtin by a lady in weighting, vat sed ver book woz a gift from ole 'enree hisself.
Reg; Yewd fink vat vey'd put that aaht on show, bee kwite a drawer, 'avin sachet.
Col: Yer mean cashay?
Reg: Yer, well, woteva. I mean, look at ver markitin levridge yer kud get awf uv vat. Suffink vat's been rahnd ver Royl Jenny ayhlia. I meen, vats gotta be wurf ver entrans fee alone, for vose with a prewrius naycher.
Col: You ain't rong mate. I mean, if vats jus wun fing, ver kud be faahsands of fings like 'at, awl 'idden away. I fink as tax payas we 'ave a rite ter see em.
Reg: I agree, I fink as we pay fer ver Beef eaters and all vat, we ave a rite ter see 'em. Worts an all.
Col: Aw bluddy ell mate, 'ere's me stop see yah!
Colin: I spose vats wot they mean by 'minge benefits,' eh mate?
Reg: I dough no bout ewe mate, but I prefers ter see the old pink money box.
Col: Indeed, a trimmed snatch is a joy to behold, otherwise it's like being a jungle explorer.
Reg: Only I wuz lookin' in ver Mirror ve over day, en ver woz this story abaht vis burd who woz doin' a love scene onner film, as yer do, 'cept she 'ad ter wig up for it.
Col: Me wife's got an Irish.
Reg: Yer mate, but vis woz for her dahnstairs, rahnd the Mulberry bush, or instead of, yer git me drift?
Col: I fink ser mate, ye mean she'd cleaved off her Erno's
Reg: Oh yer, Bic 1, Rubicks Cubes 0.
Col: You remember back in the 80's, in the Exchange and Mart, ver woz that place used ta advertise in ver adult secshun, place in Strettum, ohh, wot woz the place?
Reg: Trevor's world of Merkins? Wasn't that the Merton Merkinarium before that?
Col: Yeh, woz run by that bloke Trevor, didn't he have a bruvver, Welsh were'nt they?
Reg: Yeh, Mervyn. Vey were famous for 'em. Mervyn 'ad a shop in Wales dinnee as well, Mervyn's Marvellous Myrfer Murkins. Inna place called Myrfer Titfull or sommat like 'at.
Col: Yeh, 'member he 'ad a Royal Warrant, from Edwardian 'imes, his Granfarver in noine 'een 'en, made 'em fer ver venn Prins o' Wales.
Reg: 's right, ee use' ter 'ave a pic-chewer of it in 'is Strettum shop, he woz rite prahd 've it. 'Supplier of Pubic Topiary to his Majesty the Prins o' Wales.'
Col: Well mate, tradition, used ter gehr back ter ver 'enry ver eitfs 'ime, Chewdors 'an all vat.
Reg: Yer, ver woz vat place up off Mudchute, one o' 'em collidgies, sorta like Goldsmifs, only fer knobwigs and vat sorta stuff. Vey add sum sorta Gild like, ver Wurshipful kumpanee of Merkineers, yer ad ter du a seven year 'prenticeship ahnd yer ad ter be able make a fackin' merkin fit fer a royl ter parse lyke.
Col: Want vat ver Lunnon Skule of Merketry? I always wundad what vat was. Oi arsked my ol' man once wot it wos, ee jus' sed 'Gertcha' enn tried ter clip me fackin' eer 'ole. Fackin' cahsun!
Reg: There wos this program wiv vis Wursley bird, she nose a lot abaht 'istry an' ver like. Well, vey said on vis program, vat er, 'cos vey only 'ad a barf abaht twarce a bleedin' year, well, vey used ter niff a bit, spechlee dahn belhar, if yer fullow.
Col: Funny yer shud say vat.
Reg: Well, pparentlee, vey used ta dispense wiv the ole'dahnstairs beard, en' 'ave 'em sells replekers made up aht a reel ' Lionel Blair. Strait ahp mate. Ehnd ven vey yoosta 'ave vese Cottin baags o' Lavender an Rowsmree danglin' rahnd the Jenny Tayhla. Wot vat Wursley bird said. Sorta git rid uva smella dekay and stuff.
Col: Well, en Viktorun 'imes, ver woz vat faymuss Gennilman's ahtfittas call Jeeves n' Orks, vey 'ad er Royl Warrunt fer Prins Ahlbet, dint vey?
Reg: Oi fawt he woz faymuss fer avin' er ring pearced fru ver end of his ole mahn?
Col: Sow itz sed. I 'ave et onn good auforii-ee vat ee usta be a very gud customer of ver secrut depaartmnt.
Reg: Wotwoz vat mate?
Col: It woz ver Lunnon Merkinarium, wannit? Jeeves an' Orks woz famus fawit, onlee if yewse woz ver landid gentree or a Royl.
Reg: Nevver 'erd ofit mate.
Col: Nah, yer never wood, 'coz it was sekrit, loike. Not onlee did vey 'ave ver Royl Warrunt for ver aahse ov Saxe Coburg Goffer, but, vey also 'add ver fackin' Royl Warrunts fer abaht half yer bleeding Royl famlees in ver fackin' wurl.
Reg: Well, fack me an' ger to the fott of me ole Apples!
Col: I new vis bloak Derik, usta work up ver Tahr uv Lunnon, ee reckins ver's lodes a secrit shit vat ver public never sees in staw. He shawed me rand wunce, but keep et ter yerself!
Reg: Gore on mate, wot yer see?
Col: Well, 'ee show me vis wot looks like an er buk, onlee when yer open ver cuvver, ver was a fackin' grate void in wear sum can't ad' only gawn 'en cut aaht a fackin' grate 'ole. Raht fru ver fackin' pages. I meen, as a fackin' buk, vat buk compete, nahr a daze, wooda bin wurf a fackin' fawchune in iz own rite.
Reg: Sar, wot wuz ver fackin' 'ole fawr ven?
Col: Well, my mate Derik, he tawld me vat he'd been tole by ve 'edd Kreator of ver Tahr, vat it waz a sekrit depositree fawr storin' of a Merkin, vat ad rijinly bin made in yer fackin' Chewdur era.
Reg: Who waz vat fawr ven?
Col: 'ee wunant say. Ee sed it was genuwin, ee reckund vat ee add providence, ee reckund vat ee add letta in ver arkivs witch woz writtin by a lady in weighting, vat sed ver book woz a gift from ole 'enree hisself.
Reg; Yewd fink vat vey'd put that aaht on show, bee kwite a drawer, 'avin sachet.
Col: Yer mean cashay?
Reg: Yer, well, woteva. I mean, look at ver markitin levridge yer kud get awf uv vat. Suffink vat's been rahnd ver Royl Jenny ayhlia. I meen, vats gotta be wurf ver entrans fee alone, for vose with a prewrius naycher.
Col: You ain't rong mate. I mean, if vats jus wun fing, ver kud be faahsands of fings like 'at, awl 'idden away. I fink as tax payas we 'ave a rite ter see em.
Reg: I agree, I fink as we pay fer ver Beef eaters and all vat, we ave a rite ter see 'em. Worts an all.
Col: Aw bluddy ell mate, 'ere's me stop see yah!
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