In which Colin and Reg review the changing face of policing in London
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Ere I wuz up in mee lorft ver uvva day, enn ay cums acrawss enn auld phoater of me auwld man when ee woz in ver Old Bill dahn enn Rovverive.
Col: Fack me, vat mustav bin a few years back?
Reg: Corse, ver fayce orv Pleecin aas changed since ee woz on ver beet. Avv a butcha's at vis in me Daylee Miwwa.
Col: Fack me, looks like bleedin Robercop!
Reg: That's a byrd mayte!
Col: Yer avinn' a giraffe mate, gotta be a bloak, gotta gan an all.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd innit, ere look, yer can see oyeloyna.
Col: Maybe itz wun of vem bloaks oo carnt decide, eye mene ennyfing seems ter go vese dayze, dunnit? Veyer tayekin allsorts, gotter, all vis plitikal crektniss shit.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd, it sez eere in ver payepa.
Col: Fack me yewze ryte. Well eye nevva. Yew carnt tell, under vat ellmet ann all vat sorta army clobba.
Reg: When my ole man started wiv ver Met, ee add ter wear a fackin; chewnick in all wevvers. Musta been bleedin sweltrin' in ver fackin' summer, coz we used ter ave sam fackin' blinders in vose days. All ee add woz a trunchin an a fackin wissel.Ee nevva add a fackin' gan or wun of em' Teezer's vey got nahrdayze.
Col: Eye rememeba vat vey usta ave Caypes an all.
Reg: My ole man got aht in ver late sixtees and ee sed wot a relief it woz ter be able ter onlee ave ter ware a dicky in ver summa, ahht on ver beat. Come May it was shirt street order, nah fackin' chewnicks if it were too bleedin' ott, tayke it orff. Bleedin Gawdsend he rekkind.
Col: Well, ver wurnt ver crime abaht woz there? Eye mene rahnd ere ver lydd was wellan trulee kept onnit, Dahn Befnul Green, you dinn step outta lyne not wiv vose Krayze abaht. Vey din call it Deff Knell Green fawr nuffink.
Eye mene, vey sorted aht veyre own problms aaht. Eye mene, if yew called wunuvemm a big fat poof in a packed East End Boozer, yer'd llyleky get yer awld noggin blown orff.
Reg: Ayn yew look at ow vese Koppas is dressed naw, eye mean, my auld mann, ee fawt vat chewnick looked real smart, even if it was bleedin' hot ter ware some'imes.
Col: Nahrdayze, vey got sum sorta 'quipment belt on emm, lyke suffink wot Bahtmann wore. Fackin' utilli'ee belt. Member vat frawm Batman on ver telly? Eye mene, Dixon of Dock Green it ain't.
Reg: Eye fink ver Sweeni on ver Tee Vee wors ter blame fawr it. Eye mene, croyme woz all old skule sorta stuff un'ill vey awl started ridin' rahnd in fackin' motahs, dryvin lyke fackin' maniacs. Eye mene, its ownlee gonna encourij ver scrotes ter copy it. Ennit?
Col: Well, ewe aynt gettin' ver waygis trux rahnd lyke yer ewsed ter. Sah, ver ayn't ver armd robbris vat ver ewsed ter bee in ver Sweeney dayze. Eye mene, we aull get payd lectronically mostly, nahr. Eye mene, wot security trux ver is, aaht ver, really carry fack all bangers end mash, not lyke in ver auld dayze, back inver fackin' seven'ees when veyze was bloated wiv ackers.
Reg: Yew saw an ole Mark two Jaag ven, ten 'err wun, it was sum tasty Geeza's aaght on a blagg or suffink. In vose dayze, vey wus just arskin' ter get a tug from the auld Bill. Nahr, it's all vis cider crime, on-lyne or forrin pick pockits, I aynt racist, butt it az ter be said. Yer look at all ver stertistiks, eye mene ver true wuns wot vey doant 'ide, cos vey's not plitiklly crect.
Col: I fink vats been arf ov ver problem, I fink vey've bin covrin up whooz really doing ver crymes aand eye fink veyve binn usin' efnic mynory'ees stuff as en excewse, iz backfard on'emm.
Reg: But yo fink abaht it, when vose Oognoses came to ver East Ennd from Frahnce, ver was nevva enny Barney Rubble? Moast ovv'em were skilled people loike, taylers and silversmiffs end vat sorta stuff. Vey nevva add ter resawort ter cryme, coz vey aad a fackin' trayde.
Col: Well, eye fink itz ull ver politishun's fawlt, vey've gawn soorft on cryme aahnd it ayn' bleedin' worked, azzit? Yew luk aaat Saaadier Rabia, eend if yewze gets in a bit a foam and bubble over there, yule probly get yer aand cut awf or summit. Eye mene, itza bit extreme, baaht it doant stoppem doin' ver crymes duzzit? Its vat Sharonni law innit?
Reg: An murdah's common nahr, eye mene sum kid gets stabbd aahp Plarstow last week and nahr wun takes enny fakkin' nowtice. Baht ver same as if yer dog left a turd on the pavement, eye mene in ver auld days, summon wood 'ave ticked yer orff fawr that, nahrdayze, they doant givva fack. Nahr wun spekes ter each over, itz very sad mate.
Col: Eye fink itz gotter gaw full cyrkull. I fink Willie Whitelaw was right, short sharp shock. Aand Normin Tebbit, he was rite, 'Get on yer Byke' sorta attichewed. Eye mene, these peepull ave it all too bleedin' easy. Vey orta 'ave ter get aht ver enn do suffink for ve ackers theys getz.
Reg: Doant yew fink its veyrr 'ome lyfe ter blame?
Col: Well, vats wot awl yer fackin' sosheollergists make aht. Eye fink veyre ull tulkin bollux. Eye fink vey eynt gotter fackin' Scooby to be onnest. Vey fink corse vey gotter fackin' universe'ee fackin' dergree, vat vey got awl ver fackin' arnsers. Vey shud bring back 'angiing I rekkin, fer starters.
Reg: Used ter be poplar that, dahn Tybun. Royt soshul sorta gavrin wannit? Eye mene, peepul wood cum from myles and myles araahnd ter see it, enn vey yewsed ter sell programs an fackkin' all sorts. Thered be en'er'ainers and peepul selling ott chessnuts end fancy goods, a bit like Brick Lane market but with anging goan on. Peepull nevva add telly in vem dayze corse.
Col: Eye recckin vey shud bring bac ver stox, eye mene, ave summon put in vose fawr a cuppla dayze dahn Clap'm Eye rode an ave peepul frown rottin vedge attam, mite makum fink twyyce abart doin' cryme, eh? Juss fawr small stuff lyke.
Reg: Eye fink yew mite ave suffink verre mate. Eye means, vese prizzins is all bleedin' cotton wull and all, veze dayze. Vose fackers asz gawt bleedin' Sky fawr nuffink', eye carnt affawd ter ave bleedin' Sky Sattlite telly, vose fackers brakes the bleedin' lawr end vey get its fawr nuffink! Bleeding hollerday camp if yewr arsk me!
Col: Aah blaady ell, me stawp! See ya mate!
Col: Fack me, vat mustav bin a few years back?
Reg: Corse, ver fayce orv Pleecin aas changed since ee woz on ver beet. Avv a butcha's at vis in me Daylee Miwwa.
Col: Fack me, looks like bleedin Robercop!
Reg: That's a byrd mayte!
Col: Yer avinn' a giraffe mate, gotta be a bloak, gotta gan an all.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd innit, ere look, yer can see oyeloyna.
Col: Maybe itz wun of vem bloaks oo carnt decide, eye mene ennyfing seems ter go vese dayze, dunnit? Veyer tayekin allsorts, gotter, all vis plitikal crektniss shit.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd, it sez eere in ver payepa.
Col: Fack me yewze ryte. Well eye nevva. Yew carnt tell, under vat ellmet ann all vat sorta army clobba.
Reg: When my ole man started wiv ver Met, ee add ter wear a fackin; chewnick in all wevvers. Musta been bleedin sweltrin' in ver fackin' summer, coz we used ter ave sam fackin' blinders in vose days. All ee add woz a trunchin an a fackin wissel.Ee nevva add a fackin' gan or wun of em' Teezer's vey got nahrdayze.
Col: Eye rememeba vat vey usta ave Caypes an all.
Reg: My ole man got aht in ver late sixtees and ee sed wot a relief it woz ter be able ter onlee ave ter ware a dicky in ver summa, ahht on ver beat. Come May it was shirt street order, nah fackin' chewnicks if it were too bleedin' ott, tayke it orff. Bleedin Gawdsend he rekkind.
Col: Well, ver wurnt ver crime abaht woz there? Eye mene rahnd ere ver lydd was wellan trulee kept onnit, Dahn Befnul Green, you dinn step outta lyne not wiv vose Krayze abaht. Vey din call it Deff Knell Green fawr nuffink.
Eye mene, vey sorted aht veyre own problms aaht. Eye mene, if yew called wunuvemm a big fat poof in a packed East End Boozer, yer'd llyleky get yer awld noggin blown orff.
Reg: Ayn yew look at ow vese Koppas is dressed naw, eye mean, my auld mann, ee fawt vat chewnick looked real smart, even if it was bleedin' hot ter ware some'imes.
Col: Nahrdayze, vey got sum sorta 'quipment belt on emm, lyke suffink wot Bahtmann wore. Fackin' utilli'ee belt. Member vat frawm Batman on ver telly? Eye mene, Dixon of Dock Green it ain't.
Reg: Eye fink ver Sweeni on ver Tee Vee wors ter blame fawr it. Eye mene, croyme woz all old skule sorta stuff un'ill vey awl started ridin' rahnd in fackin' motahs, dryvin lyke fackin' maniacs. Eye mene, its ownlee gonna encourij ver scrotes ter copy it. Ennit?
Col: Well, ewe aynt gettin' ver waygis trux rahnd lyke yer ewsed ter. Sah, ver ayn't ver armd robbris vat ver ewsed ter bee in ver Sweeney dayze. Eye mene, we aull get payd lectronically mostly, nahr. Eye mene, wot security trux ver is, aaht ver, really carry fack all bangers end mash, not lyke in ver auld dayze, back inver fackin' seven'ees when veyze was bloated wiv ackers.
Reg: Yew saw an ole Mark two Jaag ven, ten 'err wun, it was sum tasty Geeza's aaght on a blagg or suffink. In vose dayze, vey wus just arskin' ter get a tug from the auld Bill. Nahr, it's all vis cider crime, on-lyne or forrin pick pockits, I aynt racist, butt it az ter be said. Yer look at all ver stertistiks, eye mene ver true wuns wot vey doant 'ide, cos vey's not plitiklly crect.
Col: I fink vats been arf ov ver problem, I fink vey've bin covrin up whooz really doing ver crymes aand eye fink veyve binn usin' efnic mynory'ees stuff as en excewse, iz backfard on'emm.
Reg: But yo fink abaht it, when vose Oognoses came to ver East Ennd from Frahnce, ver was nevva enny Barney Rubble? Moast ovv'em were skilled people loike, taylers and silversmiffs end vat sorta stuff. Vey nevva add ter resawort ter cryme, coz vey aad a fackin' trayde.
Col: Well, eye fink itz ull ver politishun's fawlt, vey've gawn soorft on cryme aahnd it ayn' bleedin' worked, azzit? Yew luk aaat Saaadier Rabia, eend if yewze gets in a bit a foam and bubble over there, yule probly get yer aand cut awf or summit. Eye mene, itza bit extreme, baaht it doant stoppem doin' ver crymes duzzit? Its vat Sharonni law innit?
Reg: An murdah's common nahr, eye mene sum kid gets stabbd aahp Plarstow last week and nahr wun takes enny fakkin' nowtice. Baht ver same as if yer dog left a turd on the pavement, eye mene in ver auld days, summon wood 'ave ticked yer orff fawr that, nahrdayze, they doant givva fack. Nahr wun spekes ter each over, itz very sad mate.
Col: Eye fink itz gotter gaw full cyrkull. I fink Willie Whitelaw was right, short sharp shock. Aand Normin Tebbit, he was rite, 'Get on yer Byke' sorta attichewed. Eye mene, these peepull ave it all too bleedin' easy. Vey orta 'ave ter get aht ver enn do suffink for ve ackers theys getz.
Reg: Doant yew fink its veyrr 'ome lyfe ter blame?
Col: Well, vats wot awl yer fackin' sosheollergists make aht. Eye fink veyre ull tulkin bollux. Eye fink vey eynt gotter fackin' Scooby to be onnest. Vey fink corse vey gotter fackin' universe'ee fackin' dergree, vat vey got awl ver fackin' arnsers. Vey shud bring back 'angiing I rekkin, fer starters.
Reg: Used ter be poplar that, dahn Tybun. Royt soshul sorta gavrin wannit? Eye mene, peepul wood cum from myles and myles araahnd ter see it, enn vey yewsed ter sell programs an fackkin' all sorts. Thered be en'er'ainers and peepul selling ott chessnuts end fancy goods, a bit like Brick Lane market but with anging goan on. Peepull nevva add telly in vem dayze corse.
Col: Eye recckin vey shud bring bac ver stox, eye mene, ave summon put in vose fawr a cuppla dayze dahn Clap'm Eye rode an ave peepul frown rottin vedge attam, mite makum fink twyyce abart doin' cryme, eh? Juss fawr small stuff lyke.
Reg: Eye fink yew mite ave suffink verre mate. Eye means, vese prizzins is all bleedin' cotton wull and all, veze dayze. Vose fackers asz gawt bleedin' Sky fawr nuffink', eye carnt affawd ter ave bleedin' Sky Sattlite telly, vose fackers brakes the bleedin' lawr end vey get its fawr nuffink! Bleeding hollerday camp if yewr arsk me!
Col: Aah blaady ell, me stawp! See ya mate!
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