In which Colin and Reg review social mobility in the capital city of London and environs
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Err, wot dijya wanna doo when yew left skule mate?
Col: Wellll, ay adden't reelly gotta Scooby mate. Aiy, mean, ver woznt much abaaht venn faw a bloak likes me or yewse. Not in vem dayze.
Reg: Well, yeah, in vem dayze, verr Dox was still gahn. Enn, vat woz ver fing fawr enny wun frorm awr sorta Manna te espire 'oo. Saul compyewtas nahr adayze, innit?
Col: Naaar dayze, ull vose fackin' Dox and wareaahses es, all offcis and faaanci 'partments fawr ye meeja toypes vat work in telly and ver like aahp in ver Citti.
Reg: Whail, it kudda been a different storey, baat vat fackin' Jack Daash, ee fackin' screwed it aap fawr verrr Dokkers. Wot appined? All ver fackin' Dox works gone a fackin' Rottadam, we kudda add a fackin' amayzin' fackin' distribewshuun 'ubb 'ere, dahn' in ver Docklunds and raahnd itt.
Col: I gree mayte, wot we got nahr? Fackin' plastic fackin' tit at Grenitch and a fackin' 'lympic fackin' villidj vat's fackin' emptee. Oy mene, vat was a fackin' good use ah twenny fackin' billyun pahnds, wann it? I mene, wot ver fack's vat ull achieved? Abahht fack all fawr abaht foive minnits, eh?
Reg: Moynd yew, eyes finkin' abaht furver edjewcayshun, eye rekkin ay kud do a fackin' opin universa 'ee fackin' degri, in summit.
Col: I fink vats a fackin' gud eyedeer. Wotcha rekkinin' on doin' venn?
Reg: Welll, I woz finkin' abaht a Post Modernism saaandwitch corse, eye myte tayk in sum sorta soashul sorta bollux, vatz yewshully en eze opshyun. Eye mene, enny fackin' cant can getta fackin' degree in fackin' sewseaollergee, itza fackin' nahr brayner.
Col: Vat whyse yewse doin' it Reg?
Reg: Fakken' cheekee cant! Nahr, eye sees, meeself as a grayte sewshul commintater, lyke Peeaps woz, wiv his diyries, bakk in ver sixtin 'undreds.
Col: Eye tyakes ya poynnt Reg, eye mene, 'ee woz yah grayte soshul meedja mogil ov ver 'ime, wannee? Eye mene 'ee woz dahn Pudden fackin' layne, wen, ver fackin' fyre gawt gowen, wot started ver fackin' grate fyre awv Lunnon. Wann 'ee? Eye mene, 'ee waz yer fackin' fayce fackin' buk of ver eeera, wann 'ee?
Reg: Ryte, enn yew fink abahht it Col, verr was fackin' noozepaypas prinnin' wurx aahll dahn vis airear, eye mene Rovverhyve enn Woppin' was yer fackin' noos meedja enjin, wann it?
Col: Ure ryte mate, fackin' tunns o' noozepaypers woz kummin' aaht a' vis airear, as yew sayyy.
Reg: Weyll, lorts ovits gahn digical nahr. Vatz vare verr fewchar iz mayte. Sawll up in ver eeffa, floaten' abaaht enn fackin' cider spayce.
Col: Yew fink abaaht it mayte, baaaht firty yeerze ago, blower woz fixed ter ya fackin' wall, awn a fackin' caybill. Eye mene, ver waz nahr fackin' pluggin fackin' phoanes lyke, wirr ver?
Reg: Nahr mayte, enn fackin' mobies was a fackin' poype dreem fawr fackin' bloaks lyke, yewanme. Eye mene, ver oawnlee fackin' peeples gotta fackin' mobies venn voz voze fackin' yappies aahp ver citty eehnd Cnaree Worf and such loike.
Col: Yeaahr, end vey aaad voze phownze vat luukked lyle afackin' Brikk, abaht ver size ovva fackin' shuue bawx, eye mene, lukk at oww voze fackin' phownze 'aas shunk ter ver size ovva fackin' tin ov fakin Streppsills.
Reg: Enn, owwhr ver teknollygee azz rokittid mayte, rokittid. Eye mene, as yew say, poype dreem, it worz, ter aave vidyo awn a fackin' phoane abaaht firty fackin yearze bakk.
Col: I mene, yew lukk attit all ova. Oww much teknollergee azz fackin' 'vanced in ahr lyves mayte?
Reg: Ay remmemer wen Baaz gawt izz fackin' Betamax vidyo, ee fawt ee woz verr fakkin Dawgs bollux, dinnee? Ee ewzsed ter git voze films vrom Hollinde unda playn wrappa. Eye mene, s'all gawn VHS nawr innit, enn vatz gawn nawr 'oo.
Col: yehr, butt yew fink abaht it mayte, Voynul ezz maykin' a fackin' cumbak. Eye saw it in ver Daylee Mirrer vat ver sayles of Voynul rekkids izz gahn fru ver fackin' roof mayte. I mene whoode ave fawt fackin' twenny year agahr, vat verred be a fackin' rennewsance inn vat medjum?
Reg: Djew remember voze furst digical waches? Voze wuns wiv ver fackin' red elleedees vat yew add ter press ver fackin' buttin ter see ver fackin' 'ime?
Col: Venn vey wenn ull ellceedee.
Reg: Ryte, never guess it mayte, bahht Carsio's onlee goan and maken ver facker's agin?
Col: Eye add a Carsio, but me ould mann woz a bit antee 'cos it was Japp enny woz a bitt funny over wot vey'd dun in verr worr lyke.
Reg: Yeah, but dinneee ave a Jermunn aify?
Col: Yeah, butt ee fawt ver Jermunn's woz betta, coz at least vey zedd sorri.
Reg: Yew lukk attit nahr, eye mene my old muvva nevva aad a fackin' washin' macheen aantill abaht sixtee six.
Col: Wehll, vat woz ver fing, mauhst ov yer workin' class rahnd ver Eest En' usta aave ter make doo wiv an aahtsyde kaarzi, eye mene, it wusnt unnerdd ov fawr sum ould dear ter bee still aavin ter gehr dahn ver gardin fawr a crapp enn ann ahtsiyde kaazi. Eeven upp ter ver fackin' nineen aytees.
Reg: Well, corse, vatz when yer fackin' yappies staarted moovin in rahnd ere and makin' it ull trendy.
Col: Venn vese aahses woz bilt, peepull never aad ver fackin' clatch vat vey doo nahr. Eye mene, verr wozunt ver fackin' caarrs ver iz nahr, nahr fackker add a Jam Jar in ver streetz raahhnd ere 'till ver sixtees, eye mene, onlee if yewze was a fackin' Dokta ora Baank Manaja or summit, ehnd venn, yewd 'ardlee bee livvin' rahnd vis sorta manner if yewz got ver akkers ta raahn a motah, stands ter reason, eh?
Reg: Goan bakk ter ver ould Dox weez wuz torkin abaaaht errlee'err, jawbs azz ull chaynjed ova ver yearsze, yew rekkin?
Col: Yehhr, wurkin claas bloaks loyke uss udd probblee enndd aahp in ver Dox aandballin' fackin' carger abaaht all fackin' day offovver ver botes. Enn ver burds wood probberblee eynd aahp wurkin aahp Tatenloyle shugga aahp Plastoe. Eye mene ver fackin' Dox es awl abaht fackin' finished nahr.
Reg: Verr yewsed ta bee loaadesa fackin' faktri work ahp and dahn ver Thames banks. Spect itz awl gonna fackin' Choyner veez dayze.
Col: Enn verr woz vat byyke faktri wot woz aahp Silva 'own, eye mene vats all gawn. Yer no, eevan Rawlee's iz mayde in fackin' Choyer naw.
Reg: Yew fink abaht it mayte, abahat firty yearze agow, mows orv ahr fackin' goodz wot we bort in ver shopz woz all made in Brittin. Vey aadd ter stamp Forrin on stuff vat wasint mayde 'ere.
Col: Enn enuvver fink, wyye izit vat all vese forrin fackkers can bye aahp awl ahr kumpneez, vat shud nevva beerloud ter appen. Eye mene, worta kumpneez oned by fackin' forinners iz baanng ahta orda. Sa fackin travvasti.
Reg: Yehr, eye mene wot fackin' cant sakshunned vat? Shud be fackin' agennst ver fakin lawr awr summink, eye rekkin.
Col: Yehr, I fackin' agree wivya.
Reg: Ere's me stawp mate, ta ra!
Col: Wellll, ay adden't reelly gotta Scooby mate. Aiy, mean, ver woznt much abaaht venn faw a bloak likes me or yewse. Not in vem dayze.
Reg: Well, yeah, in vem dayze, verr Dox was still gahn. Enn, vat woz ver fing fawr enny wun frorm awr sorta Manna te espire 'oo. Saul compyewtas nahr adayze, innit?
Col: Naaar dayze, ull vose fackin' Dox and wareaahses es, all offcis and faaanci 'partments fawr ye meeja toypes vat work in telly and ver like aahp in ver Citti.
Reg: Whail, it kudda been a different storey, baat vat fackin' Jack Daash, ee fackin' screwed it aap fawr verrr Dokkers. Wot appined? All ver fackin' Dox works gone a fackin' Rottadam, we kudda add a fackin' amayzin' fackin' distribewshuun 'ubb 'ere, dahn' in ver Docklunds and raahnd itt.
Col: I gree mayte, wot we got nahr? Fackin' plastic fackin' tit at Grenitch and a fackin' 'lympic fackin' villidj vat's fackin' emptee. Oy mene, vat was a fackin' good use ah twenny fackin' billyun pahnds, wann it? I mene, wot ver fack's vat ull achieved? Abahht fack all fawr abaht foive minnits, eh?
Reg: Moynd yew, eyes finkin' abaht furver edjewcayshun, eye rekkin ay kud do a fackin' opin universa 'ee fackin' degri, in summit.
Col: I fink vats a fackin' gud eyedeer. Wotcha rekkinin' on doin' venn?
Reg: Welll, I woz finkin' abaht a Post Modernism saaandwitch corse, eye myte tayk in sum sorta soashul sorta bollux, vatz yewshully en eze opshyun. Eye mene, enny fackin' cant can getta fackin' degree in fackin' sewseaollergee, itza fackin' nahr brayner.
Col: Vat whyse yewse doin' it Reg?
Reg: Fakken' cheekee cant! Nahr, eye sees, meeself as a grayte sewshul commintater, lyke Peeaps woz, wiv his diyries, bakk in ver sixtin 'undreds.
Col: Eye tyakes ya poynnt Reg, eye mene, 'ee woz yah grayte soshul meedja mogil ov ver 'ime, wannee? Eye mene 'ee woz dahn Pudden fackin' layne, wen, ver fackin' fyre gawt gowen, wot started ver fackin' grate fyre awv Lunnon. Wann 'ee? Eye mene, 'ee waz yer fackin' fayce fackin' buk of ver eeera, wann 'ee?
Reg: Ryte, enn yew fink abahht it Col, verr was fackin' noozepaypas prinnin' wurx aahll dahn vis airear, eye mene Rovverhyve enn Woppin' was yer fackin' noos meedja enjin, wann it?
Col: Ure ryte mate, fackin' tunns o' noozepaypers woz kummin' aaht a' vis airear, as yew sayyy.
Reg: Weyll, lorts ovits gahn digical nahr. Vatz vare verr fewchar iz mayte. Sawll up in ver eeffa, floaten' abaaht enn fackin' cider spayce.
Col: Yew fink abaaht it mayte, baaaht firty yeerze ago, blower woz fixed ter ya fackin' wall, awn a fackin' caybill. Eye mene, ver waz nahr fackin' pluggin fackin' phoanes lyke, wirr ver?
Reg: Nahr mayte, enn fackin' mobies was a fackin' poype dreem fawr fackin' bloaks lyke, yewanme. Eye mene, ver oawnlee fackin' peeples gotta fackin' mobies venn voz voze fackin' yappies aahp ver citty eehnd Cnaree Worf and such loike.
Col: Yeaahr, end vey aaad voze phownze vat luukked lyle afackin' Brikk, abaht ver size ovva fackin' shuue bawx, eye mene, lukk at oww voze fackin' phownze 'aas shunk ter ver size ovva fackin' tin ov fakin Streppsills.
Reg: Enn, owwhr ver teknollygee azz rokittid mayte, rokittid. Eye mene, as yew say, poype dreem, it worz, ter aave vidyo awn a fackin' phoane abaaht firty fackin yearze bakk.
Col: I mene, yew lukk attit all ova. Oww much teknollergee azz fackin' 'vanced in ahr lyves mayte?
Reg: Ay remmemer wen Baaz gawt izz fackin' Betamax vidyo, ee fawt ee woz verr fakkin Dawgs bollux, dinnee? Ee ewzsed ter git voze films vrom Hollinde unda playn wrappa. Eye mene, s'all gawn VHS nawr innit, enn vatz gawn nawr 'oo.
Col: yehr, butt yew fink abaht it mayte, Voynul ezz maykin' a fackin' cumbak. Eye saw it in ver Daylee Mirrer vat ver sayles of Voynul rekkids izz gahn fru ver fackin' roof mayte. I mene whoode ave fawt fackin' twenny year agahr, vat verred be a fackin' rennewsance inn vat medjum?
Reg: Djew remember voze furst digical waches? Voze wuns wiv ver fackin' red elleedees vat yew add ter press ver fackin' buttin ter see ver fackin' 'ime?
Col: Venn vey wenn ull ellceedee.
Reg: Ryte, never guess it mayte, bahht Carsio's onlee goan and maken ver facker's agin?
Col: Eye add a Carsio, but me ould mann woz a bit antee 'cos it was Japp enny woz a bitt funny over wot vey'd dun in verr worr lyke.
Reg: Yeah, but dinneee ave a Jermunn aify?
Col: Yeah, butt ee fawt ver Jermunn's woz betta, coz at least vey zedd sorri.
Reg: Yew lukk attit nahr, eye mene my old muvva nevva aad a fackin' washin' macheen aantill abaht sixtee six.
Col: Wehll, vat woz ver fing, mauhst ov yer workin' class rahnd ver Eest En' usta aave ter make doo wiv an aahtsyde kaarzi, eye mene, it wusnt unnerdd ov fawr sum ould dear ter bee still aavin ter gehr dahn ver gardin fawr a crapp enn ann ahtsiyde kaazi. Eeven upp ter ver fackin' nineen aytees.
Reg: Well, corse, vatz when yer fackin' yappies staarted moovin in rahnd ere and makin' it ull trendy.
Col: Venn vese aahses woz bilt, peepull never aad ver fackin' clatch vat vey doo nahr. Eye mene, verr wozunt ver fackin' caarrs ver iz nahr, nahr fackker add a Jam Jar in ver streetz raahhnd ere 'till ver sixtees, eye mene, onlee if yewze was a fackin' Dokta ora Baank Manaja or summit, ehnd venn, yewd 'ardlee bee livvin' rahnd vis sorta manner if yewz got ver akkers ta raahn a motah, stands ter reason, eh?
Reg: Goan bakk ter ver ould Dox weez wuz torkin abaaaht errlee'err, jawbs azz ull chaynjed ova ver yearsze, yew rekkin?
Col: Yehhr, wurkin claas bloaks loyke uss udd probblee enndd aahp in ver Dox aandballin' fackin' carger abaaht all fackin' day offovver ver botes. Enn ver burds wood probberblee eynd aahp wurkin aahp Tatenloyle shugga aahp Plastoe. Eye mene ver fackin' Dox es awl abaht fackin' finished nahr.
Reg: Verr yewsed ta bee loaadesa fackin' faktri work ahp and dahn ver Thames banks. Spect itz awl gonna fackin' Choyner veez dayze.
Col: Enn verr woz vat byyke faktri wot woz aahp Silva 'own, eye mene vats all gawn. Yer no, eevan Rawlee's iz mayde in fackin' Choyer naw.
Reg: Yew fink abaht it mayte, abahat firty yearze agow, mows orv ahr fackin' goodz wot we bort in ver shopz woz all made in Brittin. Vey aadd ter stamp Forrin on stuff vat wasint mayde 'ere.
Col: Enn enuvver fink, wyye izit vat all vese forrin fackkers can bye aahp awl ahr kumpneez, vat shud nevva beerloud ter appen. Eye mene, worta kumpneez oned by fackin' forinners iz baanng ahta orda. Sa fackin travvasti.
Reg: Yehr, eye mene wot fackin' cant sakshunned vat? Shud be fackin' agennst ver fakin lawr awr summink, eye rekkin.
Col: Yehr, I fackin' agree wivya.
Reg: Ere's me stawp mate, ta ra!
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