Business owners and managers who are clueless along with many so-called 'business consultants' who are rubbish at it

A successful company is the ultimate business leader's aim, like this one

It is interesting  as an employee to watch over the years how many managers and leaders have run their companies, some have been very good and some have shown a level of competence that is astounding in its stupidity. Here are some of my experiences.

Examples range from a business or more than one I have worked for that refused to advertise and wonder why they are not making any money, because no one knows who you are!

One person with a degree in economics used to buy on a whim, not try the product in their chain of shops in a small quantity first, but commit to a container load. This was a small company so the risk was large.

The most important asset a company has is their staff, yet the number of times that my skills and experience have been ignored or supressed are staggering, surely a company that has the chance to use the skills an employee has is lucky?

Seemingly not, this can be for a number of reasons, someone is inadequate usually and you outshine them.

A manager that thinks they are in charge and right when they are neither.

A manager that turns down good business opportunities because they have no vision.

A manager that thinks because they have rank that they are right and are mostly not

People that block simple things like marketing visuals of product information and wonder why sales are not good. Or no one knows what you do or what your products do.

People who fail to see viable revenue streams when you can and fail see it even when you explain it in terms that a two year old could grasp. Better.

People who think that the sector of customers they want to aim at will create sales growth, when your analysis based on real information is that another customer sector will, which the other person chooses too ignore is the correct way to go

People who tell you that you are on the wrong page, when they are on the wrong planet let alone the wrong fucking book.

Business consultants that think they know what they are doing when it is apparent after 2 minutes in their company listening to their bullshitting wank, they don't, but the Managing Director never sees this even after 2 years

Business consultants who live in the richest area of the UK, who drive 200 miles to advise a small business in the middle of nowhere, because they are otherwise unemployable, which is why they became a business consultant in the first place. They don't get it.

Health and safety consultants who miss more potential safety issues than they advise about and they get paid for this crap?

Business consultants that tell sales people to smile into a mirror. No, I am being serious.

Business consultants that make you think that Alan Partridge was somebody that actually existed and this is not a bad dream and you are going to wake up, no, this is actually happening. This is probably the biggest idiot you are ever going to have to meet in your life. And has similar members of the species active,out there too.

And when you come up with a suggestion and it is disregarded and a manager then makes the same suggestion a week later and takes the credit for it. And thinks they are clever.

Or worse still disregard an idea of yours because in most cases they hadn't thought of it, giving you the chance to take it to someone who will invest in it. Thankfully.

When a supposedly educated person can't grasp a simple concept that they are giving away intellectual property, supply chain information and control of the situation. And they were privately educated?? The sort of people that after a few minutes would leave Lord Alan Sugar shaking his head in disbelief.

And the so-called business consultants, not the ones that know what they are doing, but the useless pillocks who don't. But just think they do. The ones that need psychiatric help because they think they are right.

The sort of business consultants that make David Brent seem credible, but only just.

Business consultants that need to study the late Sir John Harvey Jones in action because he did know what the heck he was doing when advising people.

I thought one business consultant was going to have a stand up fight with me once because I called him into question. And he was wrong. And he didn't have a Scooby.

The worst thing is going to a bad interview, like I had once, the 'manager' looked about 12 and was late and hadn't read the CV or researched two things on the CV which would have taken him all of a minute.

I didn't get the job obviously because he was about as bright as a 40 watt lightbulb in the winter. And I had taken the trouble to research about the company and the products, none of which he asked me but asked me a load of stupid questions from some vapid checklist that the company used, hardly showing imagination, is it?

How do these clueless people get into management? Often because they are useless. Or don't rock the boat.

Life is like a box of chocolates, yeah, but be careful some of them are actually turds in disguise.

The Vagenda - when feminist office politics backfires and discriminates against men

Men are more likely to be victims of sex discrimination these days

I have worked in various job roles over the last thirty plus years since leaving school, these have included front-line Policing, manufacturing industry, service industry and both private and government corporations.

The thing I observed where the most female conflicts were, were not with workplace interactions with females and males, but between females, vadge on vadge conflict, to put it bluntly.

Until I started working with my last company just over a year or so back, I had never experienced any problems in workplace relations with female colleagues. And I think that is a good reflection on the workplace, because this ensures that people are focused on work and the health of the company through productivity and profitability, rather than conduction of either covert or overt internecine warfare.

In policing, I worked with a number of women from different ranks from the officer on the beat to senior officer level staff, even having women as supervising officers and without any problems or issues.

This was an environment where unexpected external events might shape your working day, so the policing arena provided a massive range of potential work occurrences and situations that might present themselves, from a vulnerable missing person to an armed robbery as examples.

The office environment in civilian life was a jungle of a different type to the concrete jungle I had worked in during my policing career. As someone with experience of investigation, observation and information gathering, I was ideally placed to watch and learn.

The only times when there was any obvious agenda is when a business was realigning itself and looking for excuses to try and push staff out by certain behaviour patterns, I only had this previously once a long time ago when I was employed under false pretences, to build (actually it was to rebuild) the marketing arm of a company where the previous contender had left I was told.

What I wasn't told was that the person had only gone on maternity leave and the company was hedging on someone getting the marketing effort turned around and driving sales up which I did.

However, the management then decided because things were going well, to bring this person back into the company part time, 3 days a week and probably for less pro-rata  pay and they decided to make me redundant.

That was their problem and the business did not prosper after I left. In fact, I think that arm of the business I was in is no longer.

My most recent experience of discrimination was when I was working in sales. I worked in an office with a majority of women staff, with no problem whatsoever. My (female) sales colleague although part time, had children still at school. We had a good working relationship and the sales turnover doubled in the time I was with the company. So do the math as they say.

However, a female director came back into the business having disposed of outside directorial commitments with external business interests. She then decided without any evidence of such experience, to take over the sales and marketing management of the company.

I had over twenty years of experience in sales, marketing and graphic design and would have been the ideal person to have taken on that role. That aside, it was immediately apparent that this director was just wildly thrashing about in the shallows to meet objectives, creating a lot of froth and discord but not much else.

Essentially for one example, I advised the director on a marketing visual that was to be sent out to prospects and customers as a proof had been sent around the office.

To be frank, as someone who has worked in print design, it was a disaster, the fonts were too small, didn't work in the colours chosen, the card chosen was for 'ethical' reasons and the colour used on a banner looked insipid. So I carefully advised on what I thought should be done to fix that. Looking back, this was obviously the start of my expertise being seen as a perceived threat.

About a month later, I heard this director in an unguarded moment say that she wanted 'an all girl office.' As I don't have a vagina, that did put me at something of a disadvantage. And you could see how this was going.

As part of my marketing activities, I used to send out communications to my target business sectors usually as letters with additional materials depending on the objective.

One day I was given a tranche of letters to sign to be sent out and I just happened to notice after the first couple that this wasn't my usual letter. So I asked the Admin assistant had there been a mistake in the letter printed? No, I was informed, she had been given it to print by this director, who had rewritten it.

This rang alarm bells immediately, for the simple reason that the carefully structured communication I had used successfully, was now nonsensical to the degree that the use of exclamation marks to reinforce statements, which were completely out of place with the message and not appropriate for the senior level contacts I was sending to.

The fact that this had been done without consultation was bad enough, but the end product devalued the profile of the company let alone create awareness of products I was trying to target my sectors with, which had been deleted from my letter.

The director, refusing it seems to use my skills and experience, engaged a female friend of hers to advise on marketing! A person, who had not any experience of their business, to which I had experience of their customer base, target audience, products and ideas of where to develop business for around a year. So this female director paid someone to reinvent the wheel.

The best was yet to come though, in a meeting with this female director, I was criticised for not taking all my holiday earlier in the year, I worked in a small office where at least half or more of the staff had school age children and my observation and feeling was that they should have priority for school holiday time leave because of these commitments for the obvious reasons. And I had no family commitments.

(The company had recently changed to another supplier of product and there was a range of product available that was obvious to fill a market sector that they were failing to secure business in due to cost.

Having analysed the typical customer spend and the type of customer, it was blindingly obvious to take this product base on and increase sales to another revenue stream, but oh no, I was told that would devalue their brand and they wanted to concentrate on high-end customers, which if this director had bothered to look at the sales analysis were responsible for relatively few sales per head in each week.)

But that seemed to cut no ice with this director and she went to try and throw stones with accusations that I didn't really want to be there and I should make up my mind what to do, i.e. she was wanting me to leave and making the meeting and her feelings more and more unpleasant by the minute, so with all that had gone on I decided to resign. Any person I relate this experience to is appalled by how I was treated.

Some have said why didn't you take a case against the company? The simple answer is that the swing door of sexism doesn't swing in my favour as a man usually.

But this isn't the end of the spiteful behaviour, when I signed on, the director who was also in charge of human remains chose to sit on a letter from the DWP for 6 weeks before responding to it, which was asking her to confirm why I had left their company. I stated to the DWP that I had been forced into resigning. This director stated allegedly that I had been made redundant. I saw this for myself on the DWP computer.

Not only that but the director chose to sit on my P45 which she had all the details for processing my tax affairs with, some six weeks earlier for a further six weeks plus after I had left. This is hardly what I would call adult behaviour or behaviour that is acceptable from a company director. And as I had done nothing wrong and helped the company double its turnover in a year, I fail to understand where this person is coming from or their anger?

This director clearly has issues and it makes no difference what the gender is, the behaviour clearly is not what I would call professional, from someone with an Oxbridge degree.

This sort of behaviour sets the equality arguments back. With equality, surely people should be working together constructively in their companies to go forward, not surely fighting like children in a playground?

Anyway, thankfully I am well rid of this director and I have not contacted anyone at the company since leaving, I have chosen to move on and find somewhere else to work, however I was refused two interviews recently one was because the female employer was looking for a young woman under 25 or a gay man ideally and the other job where the reason given was that 'they wanted another female to balance their office,' i.e. they wanted another female in their office not a bloke.

It doesn't bother me, if they have that mindset and employ on a pudenda agenda, then they will stand the chance of missing out on people with real life experience who might be able to do the job better? Their loss.

I would like to finish by saying that the majority of women I have worked with in professional life have been without any issues or problems towards me.

Clapham Omniblog - Feminism and the Front Bottom Agenda

In which Colin and Reg discuss the touchy and multi-faceted subject of feminism

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ehhr see vis burd in ver fackin' Daiwy Miwwah, she derrn't arf lawk a fackin Femmnist.
Col: Corse she ezz a femmnist Reg, worll ett myte nort be fayre ter say itt, baaht eye woona fack it.
Reg: Yeh, enn wye Col, aah mawst orve veze fackin' femmnists lurken sehr fackin' aaglee? Enn sherz dressd aahp lyke a fackin' laybrer wiv a fackin' Dawnkee jakkit orn ernd fackin' daisy roots awn er plates.
Reg: Mybee vat kud be a refoosal ter be enn slayve ter fasshin ind'stree. Baaht eye sees yawr poyn', enn vat fackin' Barnet luks lyke it woz cut by fackin' Steevie Wunda  aater a few Lyte ayles.
Col: Fackin' ell myte, vatted fackin' turn ver fackin' cream sahr, auld Steevie's fackin' lacky ee ern't gawter look at vat fackin' aaglee Boat Race.
Reg: Wheyll, eye reckkins vat yer'd be aahnlyklee ter see a fackin' gud looker femmnist.
Col: Yeh, veeze femmists awl seem ter ave vat fackin' look abaht em lark summat jast pizzed in verr marfs. Worll, vat aynt err bad fing, cause eet least yerze gawt sum sorta erllee woarnin' systimm vat myte aahpflee sayve yer frahm makin' a fackin' baad mystake or a cant awyerself lay'err.
Reg: Yeh, yer cud be dahn Peckhim orve an evenin', say endd yerr cudda bean baahn' ett fackin' Lyte Ayles aw nyte, ernlee ter discuvva ett 'ime, vat yer aynt gerna gertcha knawb wet awr yer skroatim neever.
Col: Etts a fackin' straynge fyng vis femmism, eye means bernin veyr fackin' bras, fackin' nevvar faught vat wun frew did vey? S'problee why vey awl aave saggy frupnees nahr, eh?
Reg: Yeah well yer 'Merican Injuns as it awl sawted, vey darnt need femmism, cause befawr we awlls turned up over verr, vey had a yewtopin lifestyle, gawspel mate. It warz a perfick sercier'ee if yerz luks attit. Enn, vey nevvar add ner fackin' crahym or dicshuns ter drahgs or booze neeva, nawt entill we brort ett all aaver verre.
Col: It worz ver worze vat staahtid awl ovv vis femmism, cos verr bints gawt aht orve veyr aahses endd staahtid wurrkin' in fakr'ies and verr lyke. Enn orve cawse ven  vey woz bean payed fawr it enn vey cud see vat vehr was sumfing mawr ter lyve van jahst bean ern fackin' babay mashine enn skivvee.
Reg: Baaht vat wurnt a bad fing vough, eye finks it givumm sum indypendince, enn sahm sorta lyte aht verr ind orv ver tunnill, aahnlyke voze pawr fackin' byrds warts aht in ver Middull East, places lyke Saggy auld Labyeear and wear veyve gawt vat sharroni lawr. Aah meanz vatz wear yore fackin' Millicent femmists orta fack orf ahta enn der sammin; abaht vehr rytes fawr verr wimmin aht in vat sawter area.
Col: I fink vat verr pennjelum's swung ter farr verr ovva way nahr, enn vey are warn'in mawr van equil shayres. Eye aynt gort nahr prawblim wivv equil iffits fayre, baht vehr warnnin' ver fackin' moon an all, sum orv vese burds. Eye means fayres fayre, baaht arter vat, fack orf! Eh?
Reg: Enn veze femmists ahr bhangen awn abaht ahr veyrse a feared orve gettin' 'tacked, worl, ah mean who verr facks' bovvered abaht vem? Eye'd rarver aave a ham shank ova a fackin' Penn'haase awr summat wear verrs far betta lukkin byrds, enn vats anuvver fing, vey're awl cahvared inn fackin' 'atoos, enn prawblee gawt vehyr fackin jack enn danny's pierced wiv awl sorts a mittil stahff. Mahst be lyke a fackin Mawris darncer eff veyze gawta rahn fawr an baass owr summat.
Col: Caan yer ermajun aavin' ter give vat a bit orve yer Charlie Mingus rahhnd ver auld bull enn bush? Prawblee gawt a fackin' 'airee prudenda lyke a fackin' Ammerzinn rain fawrest eye mean yer's need ter ave fackin' Endyanna Jernes, ter ellp yer ter fahnd her fackin' Clittris, eh?
Reg: Aym nawt shore vat eyd worna, bet vat facking awld Rubicks orv errs derrnt arf niff. Be lahk verr dahstbinns aht Billensgayte in verr summa.
Col: Enn veys aahp fawr terkin yer ter ver awforritees en awl, eye means yer ownlee gawt ter sey vat a burd looks nahse enn ver fackin bitch'll aave yer awp in cawt fur urtt feelins or summat. Vey awta getta fackin' lyfe. Eff et worz a choyze orva burd lyke that or an ham shank, eyed give it sahm maggiking orv ver beans jischewer, laahk vat Garriff 'ahnt yewsed ter der awn vat cawfee advurt fawy yah fackin' Gawld Blehnd. Ett worz problee en curded messige ter vat Dyann Keen ter pull imm awf or summat, or maybe vats wort ee worz 'opin fawr, wheyll, eye wunnent err sed nawr ter vat. 
Reg: Wheyll, vats fer fing Col, eye mean back inver twennies, vem Suffreearrjetts vey'd der summink fackin' aaht rayjuss lahk frowin emmselves aahnder a fackin' awse at ver raycis awr ryden a fackin' buysyckul in fackin' bloomers or verr lyke, eye means awl veeze fackin' burds der nahdayze is fackin' bahnny rabbit abaht aahr fackin' aard dahnbye veyz aahr.
Col: Ackerchewllee, ez awl starten ter backfahr  awn vem, verr's plenny a burdz lyke, vat fink vat vese femmists are a bahnch orv fackin' wingjin cants, strait aahp. Eye means veyze aahr yer sortsa burdz vat yerrd lahklee get a fack orv off aas ter be said, baaht ett jast gahrs ter proov a poyynt vat awlvough veze femmists make a lort orv fackin' noyze, nawt awl wimmin, fank fack, awr fackin' femmists.
Reg: Eye fink ett awl gehrs back ter yer fackin' Millicent Tenency enn yer fackin' Labyerr Par'yy orve yer fackin' orly ay'ees, when awld Footy lawst cawntrawl orv izz par'ee. Enn, venn yore Ginja Winnbaag fackin' Kinnik, ee' carnt rainham inn neeva. Venn yerr add yer burds aht fackin' Greenimm Cawmin enn ett gawt in yer meeja, enn venn evry tina, deedree an 'arriott awl jamps awn verr bleedin' ban' waggin. Enn et givzem an ixkewse fer enny wahn orvem vat aynt normmill oar es a bit orva lezza p'raps? ter aven cawse ter fackin' davote veir 'ime 'oo case nah bloak wiv eeny fackin' sense err wornemm as a gawl frend.
Col: Enn vat fackin' mell awda bryde stahff enn forrin daytin soites azz awl gawt big bizzniss cawse bloaks is looking fawr a bint wots nort gonna be a fackin' frahnt bottim princess.
Reg: Enn voze facking prik teasis worts willen ter let yewse bye emm fackin' Chardnee awl fackin' nyte at sahm fackin' spensive Wahn bawr vat yewsed ter bee a fackin' bank awr summat yewsefull lahke, venn vey facks orf enn err tarxi lay'err, wheyyl, veyrr ver wans aaht wiv verr mates awn a frahday nyte crahn in terr ver fackin' Chardnee' coz nahr bloaks wann nuffin ter do wiv umm. Vey fackin' brawt vat awn emmsells, ennt vey? Backk ter ver fackin' Kit Kat shaffle awr wan orv vemm Ann Sammerses fackin mahlti speed vahbrayters wiv an addid clittris stimmerlater or summat wort eye dah nawr naffink abaht, eh Col?
Col: Vat ez ver nubb orv itt Reg, enn veyze awnlee gawna enn aahp lewsin aaht corse orve vehr aatterchewed, ryte?
Reg: Ryte, ryte enn ear's me fackin' stawp Col! Ta ra myte!

Clapham Omniblog - The Sid James Infirmary aka St James Hospital Bethnell Green

In which Colin and Reg discuss the St James (Sid James) hospital at Bethnell Green

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere kipp this ter yerself Col, cosz eyes onlee tellun yers as mayte lyke, baaht eyes gawt er gaw for an arsendoscopy aap fackin' Death Knell Green Orspitool.

Col: Aw fackin' ell mayte, worts roarng wiv yewse nahws?

Reg: Worz vat Dawktor vat Injun bloak, Faakerjee or summat lyke aaht, he reckkins corse eyze gettun orn a bit oye sherd avven awld gitz emm Oh ee, lyke.

Col: Wort verr facks awl vat abaaht venn? Eye meanz yer nort lyke sum sorta fackin; awld Oarstin Allegri vats awl rahstin away ter fack Reg? Yer lukk oarwrighe ter mee baaht venn aginn, eye arnt a fackin' Dawkter, enn eye? Wortz ee loyke venn?

Reg: Heez oarwright, vewwy nyce bloak ackerchewllee.

Col: Wheyll, eye add sum worman dawkter end eye dunt lyke her, finks sheez gawds gift ter medsin.

Reg: Whyse vat Corl, eye fawt yew liked worman dawkters?

Col: Verr fackin' cheely bitch arsked me if ah kud pawl me fawsken orver ver ve edd orv moy awld mann? Eye fawt vats a bit orva fackin' liberr'y at aulf parst noine in verr fackin' mornin', loyke enn frahm a wummahn. Sahr, I faut, givv err as good as she gettz lyke, sahr eye says ter err, 'ernley terr brake the ayze at par'eez.' Vattad fackin' lerner!  Baaht she nevva sawr verr fackin' jawk prawbly a femmnist or wun of vem lezbins or summat. Ay aynt gorna put aahp wiv vat sorta fackin' fing, eye mean, sahr eye nevva gorn verr aginn. Sahr Reg, eff itz nort ahn rewd queschin, woy do theyze worna luk awp yawr jaxi venn, yhew darn't moynd me awsken?

Reg: Naah, naah myte, corz weev knaan eech over fawr dawnkeys eerze. Viz Faakkerjee bloak, royt, ee ses, ee wornza sekund pinyun, just in case you maight have a swelled ahp prawstrate glaaand. Enn, he fawt vat ett maight be a gud fing ter be sayfer rarver van fackin' sawry, awr brahn bred o'kawse. Heez gawt a point, enn ee's a vewwy gud dawkter, eye aynt nevva add narfing ter com'lain abaht orff ov 'I'm.

Col: Eye means der yer knawse worts goan orn?

Reg: Aw yerr, ee reckins vat vey gawt vis sorta camera orn a peece orve flexibill chewbing, enn basically ere, its gawt an end ornitt lyke ann arfa marbil, enn inn err bit orvit verr's a broyt elleedee loyte, enn verr ovva bit orvit's gawt an igh deviation kamyra wot weelays loyve vidyo orv worts aap me awld jaxi, royt orna ann 'elly screewn.

Col: Saahr, yore gahn aahp verr awld Sid James venn? Verr's sahm fackin' tasty narhses aahp vat orspi'ool, eye reckkin eye sore wun vat worz a dead spit orv vat Barbyrar Winsur, enn I fawt orv awld Sid James, gawd rest him. Eye means he worz a laahcky awld facker worn he? Ter get a shag wiv vat Barbyrar Winsur byrd, Eye means she still looks fackin' tasty, wud yer giver wun?

Reg: Wheyll, eye ud, baaht she awnlee gahs fawr yahnger bloaks vese dayze, which is a grate pitty. Eye mean she's a cormedy ennstichewshun.

Col: Eye fink you orta be in a fackin' ennstichewchun, yer derty awld facker! Ohnlee kiddin' Reg.
Reg: Wheyll, eyem glaahd vat we can aave a larf abaaht it corse ett is an searius subberjeckt, ennit. Eye mean vat Sid James, gawd rest I'm, iz awld boat worz like ahn slapped Arris, eye mean verr must be 'ope for us all, eh? Well, eye fackin' ope sahr.

Col: Wheyll, yew rearmember vat fillm Carry orn Dawkter, enn vat JIm Dale's ryte awney fer Baabs, enny? Eye reckkin vats whoy vey aad ter ave vose fackin' metill fraymes under ver fackin' berrd cloves lyke, sah vat ver bloakes who warse in berrd awn verr fillm sett, sah vey kud have an krarfty waynk, wivvaht ett been ter awbveeus. Myndya, vat awld 'aatty Jacks worze a fackin sahze, dunn doo nuffink fawr me, baht each ter iz ehn?

Reg: Ryte, enn, eye bett when ver fackin' filming worz awl dahn, vat venn vey took vose fackin' fraymes aaht frahm unner ver sheets, ver facking sheets awl stayed up, lyke sahm papper mashy enn cawton fackin' pyrymidd. Vey'dd prawblee add sahr mach stimmerlayshun enn chacked sahr match Charlie Munk, vat vey mahstave wahnked emselves ter fackin' near erblivveon.

Col: If it wurnt verr cayse Reg, eye fink yerr wud ave terr arsk yersell wevver verr worz summit wraung wiv yer? Wot wiv awl vose facking tasty nahses abaht, eh?

Reg: Baaht, awn verr ovvver ahnd, ser ter speke, yer might be in'immida'ed by it awl, enn nawt abill ter get enny fackin' wud. Eye mean, in vat fillm , pawr awld Sid James, add ter be in a berdd, laahn dahn, coz he'd awnlee jawst gawt erver a rhyl lyfe fackin; art a'aack. Pawr facker!

Col: It wud be ardlee sarpryzin wot wiv him lahken Barb enn fackin' the arzz orvit.
Reg: Ee prawblee arverdunnitt, fackin' nyce way ter go vough. Eye meenz if eeda pegged aaht havin an fack, vey'd an addan awferl jawb gettun ver fackin' lid orn izz cawfin, I sez. Eye doan reckkinvat worz ver sortawood vat he worz lookin' err git, eyver.
Col: Ahr eezee worz it fer yer ter git an 'pointmunt, cawse its sahr fackin' bizzee nahr?
Reg: Wheyll awl Dawkter Fakerjee, corse it worz urgen' lyke, he pulled strings, ee reckkins jus ter bee sayfe lyke, ee cunn take ver risk, nawt verr enn prawstrate, lahk.
Col: Worl vats fackin' summat, eye fink yer big prawblawm apaht frawm verr bean ter manee immy grunts enn eye aynt a rayshullist but, ett as ter be said like. Veys awl kumman 'ere fawr ver free fackin' NHS wot yewze and meez paid infaw, enn ahs pawr awl farkers iz at verr back orv verr kew, coz we is whyaat, I'm nawt a rayshullist butt...
Reg: Indeed myte, enn wunn good fing abaht yer fackin' immygrunz ess vat we's getting sahm Dawkters cahmin ova ere immum, verr's an awfall lahd a shit kamms in lyke fackin' forrin crimnals and ver lyke and fackers awnlee ere fawr the fackin' sewshul, well at least me Dawkter Fakkerjee's nawt an alkyhawlik lyke verr laswst fackin' awld geeza wort eye add. He add ahn sample orve me Gipsy's enn he reckkins vat eye worz pregnant, stooppid awld cant!
Col: Sahr Reg, yerr lerkin forwid to yerr arsendoscerpee venn? Eye means yer myte get sahm taste nahses ter awld yerr anhd or summat?
Reg: Wheyll, ezz lorng es vey ennt lahk vat Fatty Jacks burd. She worz an ryte awld battil exe inn vat fillm.
Col: Ere Reg, baaht she wurnt arf an goer in weal lyfe, enn she worz married ter vat Jawn LeMusaror bloke wort woz vat Sargint Wilsan enn fackin' Daad's ormy. Yer kna?
Reg: Will, mybea vat Barby Winsur myte nawt be in Ease Enders fawr verr moment enn restin', vats worts veyy caul ett wayn yewse an Akkertawr enn yehr between yerr partz. Yerr maaht ber lacky enn ge awl Bawbs as yer nawse. Like vat Petaah Gilmawer add sed ter enn vat film bye err, ' cawr wort a luvverly pair,' enn ee sez bak terurr 'yer tuk ver wurds raaht aaht erve mi maarf!' facikin' ell.
Col: Whall, yer sahnds cheerfall enuff abahat it, ennyhaar.
Reg: Whall yer gorta bee myte, ennyhaw erez me stawp, ta ra Col!

Clapham Omniblog - British Leyland Cars and Van den Plas

In which Colin and Reg discuss the British Leyland cars and the upmarket Van den Plas

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere dew see vat sum bloke payed aaht five Ayrabs fawr an Oasrtin Allegri? S'in moy Daiwy Miwwah.
Col: Wheyll vat's ardlee an mistree innit? Mahst ovvem 'as lykley rasted aaht ter fack by nahr Reg.
Reg: Eye finks vat vey lorst verr way venn vey stawped being BMC.
Col: Wheyn veyz worz Nutfield under ole Lawd Mawriss, it sorta wuurked, baaht yer problem woz vat soon as a fewevem stahted gahn toe ver wahll, vat vey awl staartid getting 'malgamated, eeynd awl vis badge injineerin stahtid.
Reg: Wehyll, yore paahst wore cahrs woz all in rutt. Yerr problem waz lyke, vat ve err woare add seeeriusslee disrahptid yer econnermee ennit? Ehnn all veese cumpnees royt, vey aynt gort ver ackkers ter invest in noo deesoyns.
Col: Finks sar ryte myte, eye means yer add ter wyte a coupla year ter see suffink noo cummin ahtter ver faktries, eye meens, aahnless  vey add suffink aahp vehr fackin' sleeves lyke, vat vey kud jahss rawl awt frahm verr fakkrees.
Reg: Corse, wance vey'd gorta bit sawted aaht aafta givin' awld Aadolf enn Terjer a bit orva slaaap, venn, vey kud get awn wiv rerbildin ver pawst woare ekonmy.
Col: Wheyll, vats when you storted ter see vat sorta 'merikan stoylin, ganh all streemloyned lyke.
Reg: Ennd tryan ter ger upmahkit wiv yer fancy names. Like what Oarstins dun wiv ver fackin' Summerset, Devin ann ver fackin' Wessminnister.
Col: Enn Fawd, ahd ter der summit abaht it or miss ver blleedin baaht, eh? Yer kud errnlee der sah much wive ver 8 and 10, sar vey add ter kum up wiv names lyke ver Angela enn Perfick. Strowke orv gernyous ter call a fackin' motawh arfter a fackin byrd voaw.
Reg: Sahr, Oarstins kud awnly gehr awp markitt? arter att. Sahr vey woz klevvva ter yewse ver naymes orv oernly two orv ver fackin' tawp Oonerversi'ees, Awxfawd enn fackin' Caymbrij faw vehr next moddills. 
Col: Baaht, vey all adda get attit coz verr worz ah loadah forrin deszoyners vat woz stoylin cahrs, lyke ver fackin Tryamph Errild, yer Forina Oarstin, enn yer fackin' Cor'inna enn all.
Reg: Yehr, vey woz tryan ter tap ver 'merrikan markitt eye reckkins. Baht eye means wear can yerze goes arter Awxfawd? Ernely royle'ee, enn vat was a big fackin' nahr nahr, caus ver fackin' Quinn, she'd ave a fackin' wurd in ver Lawd Charncillo'r's  lug ole enn innshaw vat summan at BMC gets a fackin' bawlukkin fawr ett.
Col: Itz yore Royle fackin' prurterkawls innit?
Reg: Ehhn, verr ernlee wye ter gawr worz awp markitt ergin.
Col: Yehr, enn dew no vat yer faymiss Vann den Plaarses worz frawm Plarster?
Reg: Nahr, yerr avvin me on Col.
Col: Nahr, strait aahp Reg, vat faht bloake Farook who azz vat garridge aahp Walfumstah, he wekkins vaat awld Vann den Plaarses worz a Datch bloak.
Reg: Wheyll, vats nawt spryzin, coz yer get awlsawts in ver area, dahnyer?
Col: Wheyll, wot Fawook wrekkins ezz, enn ee erred it frawm izz myte aahp Craach Ind wotz bean inn ver motah tryde fer fackin' yeeaaz, is vat it worz rijinnerllee cawled yer Van dern Plasters, baaht, vey changed it fawr immijj reezins.
Reg: Wyse vat venn myte?
Col: Sahr, ee staartz aaht as a Kemmist ryte, enn eez discuvvad yer akcherawl 'Faablwan' plaarstik by enn accident. Ee woz orva Sundy, fackin' abaaht in iz parla wiv sum kemmikuls, enn ver phaon gehrs, saah ee leaves iz 'speriment ter awnsa ver fackin' fing enn ter cut a laung storey, ee kumms baak ter fynd iz compaahnd az gawt nawked ova bye iz kaat, enn eez gawta plaarstik sorta brahn fillum awn iz binch, lookin' lyker bitta levva.
Reg: Ez vat gawspil or izat fackin gipper woyndin yer aahp?
Col: Nahr, eez awryt. Saah, he takes a clahsar luk attit, enn he sees wort looks loyke an levva grayne innit. Ann ee finks 'fack me, ive invenned summat fablis,' sah ee decydes ter kawl iz noo fing 'fablon' cawze itz fackin fablis. Ennywyse, ee gehrs an ee paytins it, ryte, enn nawunns intrisstid, he carnt get erristed wiv it, baaht, he shaws vat Iffygonads bloak wort was instrawmentulein desoyning ver Mawris Minarr viz staff, enn ees real intrisstid lyke in avvin it fawr usin in ver fackin trimming orvyer cahrs intrears.
Reg: Sahndz lark wags ter wiches storwee Col?
Col: Yehr, coz he moouved ahter Plaarsta ehnd ee gawt himsell' err fackin' manshun at Radlitt. Baaht ee nevva give up work, coz ee gawt in some greement wiv British Lelyandii as it was ter bee kum.
Reg: Nahhr eye seez ver lyte, cozza kors vat explains aah yersze gawt ver fackin awfull plaarstick staff awn yer motawhs lyke yerr Mini Claahbman estate, eye meen wehr wud yaz be wivvaht yer stiky on fackin' fablon awn yer aahtside orv yer Minni? Yer fackin' Wallnutz wurf maw van ver fackin' motawh ter stick orn, enn it aynt gorna larst not in ahr fackin' wevva ezit?
Col: Wheyll, vey did pull a fackin maarsta stroke lyke, bye baylen aaht fackin' Rawls din vey?
Reg: I nevva seen fablon orna fackin Rawls, Col.
Col: Eye meanz, wiv all dew respect ter Connlees, itz ardlee ver sorta fing vey'd be lookin' ter yewze orna tasty motawh like vat, eh? Eye bet her awld Madge'd ave summat ter say abaaht it, if she clawked wiv her beedy eoyes vat summan ahdd fackin' comprimysered ver fackin' Rawller fer sayke orva few hunred quid.
Reg: Eye erd vat alvough sheez gawt vat fackin' great Pallis and all vat, she still gahrs arahnd ver fackin' gaff ternin aaht lytes worts bin left orn.
Col: Eye does salluyte err for vat, coz we awl gorta do ahr bit for ver plannit, eh? Pallis or nahr fackin Pallis.

Reg: Sahr, wortz Lellandii doin wiv fackin Rawls venn?

Col: Wheyl, Oarstins worz arsked ter bild sum sorta Jipp orf udder enn Rawls mayde ver enjinns fawr itt. Baaht, it was nevva much kawp sahr, vey 'bandined it enn vey getz in tarch wivv awld Vee Pee abaaht uzin ver awald Farina shell lyke and restoylin it and cawlin it summat else verr fackin' Prinzess, corz verr embargio on uzin royle names lyke was different, slong as yer dint cawl it a 'madge' or summat yewz woz ulryte.

Reg: Enn vey kahn charjeya an extrer fackin Ayrab fer yer fackin' Fablon eh?

Col: An yerr ryte mate, yer stix er fackin' crahhn awn ver fackin raydia'orr shell enn putz enn Van den Plarse badge awn ver fackin' boot enn Bawbs yer unkill. Vewwy clevar bit orve markitting.

Reg: Enn vey made a fackin' llegra vershun, eye means vats lyke gold platen a dawg turd, innit? Eye says, ez still a fackin' dawg turd at ver enn orv ver day, eh? Lyke eye sez ver ovva day lyke, ett aynt nahr fackin' Alfards Romayer, ryte?
Col: Wheyyl yewze kudd avv fakin' levva seats if yewze wannit, awr yewze kud ave verr fackin' verlewer vat darn't larst. Baaht yerr did aves yer fackin; crahn awn yore radia'orr, sarse yer ku pritind yewse was fackin' Royles or ver upper klarsis if yews worze vose prawntenshus toypes. Eh?

Col: Trubble worz vat verr pawr bloaks wot worz avvena make awp veeze fackin' motahws worz awl gettin' pulled aht orn fackin' stryke abaaht every fackin' five minnits by ver cantin' shawp stewids. Eye meenz, vats wort reely facked ahp ver ole country in ver sevvenieez.

Reg: Enn, eye fink yorz ryte mate,enn eer's me bleeding stawp, ta ra Col!

Clapham Omniblog - of congestion charge an integrated london transport system and flying carpets

In which Colin and Reg discuss the wisdom of the congestion charge and flying carpets

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ahw lorng dew fink et'urrd 'ake us 'er get terr verr Dawktors over enn 'annin' 'ahn? Ovva mornin'?
Col: Wheyy, all depenns wort tymes yew woz gahn myte?
Reg: Baaht nyne in verr morrnin.
Col: Fack me, yewse wanna be aaht of verr aahse by baaht fackin' ate if yewse goona yewse a mowtah.
Reg: Eyes finkin' vat eye ennt gonna get ova verr 'aahnin 'aahn flahova fore arf ate, eye myte as well gits meesell a fackin' flayhn' karpit lyke, wot vose Ayrabs yewsed ter ave in yer fackin' Allybarberz dayse, eh?
Col: Eye woz on verr auld 'aahnin' 'aahn' flayhova verr over day, enn eye woz stack in fackin' traarfik coz vey'd coahned orff ver fackin' near sahd lane, ennay?
Reg: Wot worz vat for myte?
Col: Fack noze, koz verr wurnt nar fackin' wurks goan oarnn lyke. Jus a loader syenze end wun orvem sez furty limit. Eye mene wort a fackin' liber'yy, eye worz stannin' inna fackin' kew orv cahrs, stayshnree lyke, enn vat wurnt verr wurst orv it.
Reg: Wurst?
Col: Yeah, verr woz errnllee sahm auld fackker orn a fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ah, enn ee aad an fackin' Jack Rassill fackin' Terryerr in verr fackin bawskit orn verr frahnt ehnnn, ee ad iz woife or sumuvva bird orn his fackin laaapp, gahn alorng.
Reg: Ahyr faast wuz he goan?
Col: Fackin' faastur van mee. Ee mustav bee doin' awl orv abaht six bleedin mahles an aahr, frew verr fackin' coanz, eye meene fackin' ell, eym abardin' bye ver fackin' oyway coad, enn ees droyvin vat fackin skoo'ahh frew a fackin kahned orff ayria lyke.
Reg: Oi bett yewse wishes vat yewz adda fackin' flahyn' karpit venn? Aye meenez yar woodennt ave ter pay yer fackkin' caunjestyun chorge, wood yar? Aye meenez s'awlmost lyke vat fackin' awld git woz givin ya 'oo fingers up, lyke, eh?
Col: Wheyll, eye reckkinz vat yew kud avoid verr fackin' cunnjestyun chorge if yewze aaadd a fackin' flahyn karpit, coz it aynt putten aahht narr fackin miishins, eh? Eye mene iffs vem Smort kaahz cans get errway wivaht payin ennee  raahd tax and nah conjestyun chorge, venn a fackin' peaceerr karpit shuddennt eyva.
Reg: Why yew fink voze Ayrabbs storpped usen vem?
Col: Cawse vey add all viz oyl vey waz sitten awn lyke, ehnn when yorze motahs kumm popleearr, venn it aardlee dun myke naahr sense ter fack abaht makin' karpits, 'cept fur stikin' on yer flawr orv yer aahses or yer maahd utts or whaevver. 
Reg: Shore myte, but wotz wivv all yore green bollux nahrdayze spaahted by yerr fackin' trendee leftiz, yewd fink vey'd be kanny nuff ter start makin' vem aginn?
Col: Yore fackin' ryte Reg, eye menes yer wooden't 'ave all vat fackin' bovva wiv ver 'aahnin 'ahn flahova woodya? Jusss git awhn yore fackin' karpit and fack awf, eh?
Reg: Ere, ere, Col, baht aahd yer fackin' karpitt nahr wear ter gahr? Eye menes, it erred need 'err ave sum sorta karpet nav or summat, eye menes ahw voze fackin fings work back in yer Allybarber's 'ime?
Col: Worl, errs yer fackin' magik spells or summat, awr spoze yer aave ter tayke yer nu karpitt enn walk dahn ter yer lowkul Mawsq or summat ennn ver awl Immmyaam he problee sez a few wurds attit enn, Abdul's yer unkel, myte.
Reg: Eye mene yew aave ter 'ake ann fackin' test ter dryve itt or summat? Awr wood it be autumnus lyke, voze fakkin Googgill cars wots got nahr fackin' dryva sittun aahp verr frahnt?
Col: Wheyl yewed ave ter putt inn sahm sorta infrastructha ter mawderate it, ehh? Ovvawyse ett erd be err fackin' freeforawll. Eye meene yer'd ran verr fackin' risker getting craahshed inna, wunt yer?
Reg: Royt, yerrd be flahan alorng ova 'acknee say, awn yer fackin' karpitt, mindern yer ahwn fackin' sell, enn sahm stoopidd facka myte craaash inna yah?
Col: Wheyll, verrs bahnd ter be yurr teevin trahballs ter staartt wivv, enn ven yer've gawt yer ayr trahffic ter deal wiv, eye mean. Ahr meeen wot abaht Heaffrow and yer Gaahtwik flaaht parves?
Reg: Yeah bart, eye means wot chew gonna do wiv ya karpit, say if yers gahn ahwt ter ver cinnymar or aaht sumwear shawpin?
Col: Spoze verr 'd ave ter be sum sorta Karpit enn ryde sorta fing, awr, yerrd just aave sum sorta wayreaahse wear yer kud rawl ahhp ver facker enn stik ett enna rack awr summat enn pay a quid lyke and stick on a fackin' tikkit whyle yer gehrs gerhn abaaht yer bizniss, aye?
Reg: Eye fink vats a brullyant eyedeeah mayte, baht eye spoze vat if yewze wurnt goan farr, vat yew kud juss rawl ver facka aahp enn avvitt ahnder yer 'ahm, eye mene it wud be a bittorva fackin' 'nkumbrance, baht ett aynta fackin' purrfick wahld, ez ett Col?
Col: Wheyl, yerr 'ave itt ver nayle orn ver fackin' nawgin ent ya? If yewze gawt a loawda wyves enn fahsands a kids, lyke summa vem immygrunts, naw eyem nawt being a rayshullist , butt, vey's orbviarsely gawt err gitt arahnd enna  lahmp. Sahr, vey awbveeuslee ass ter ave a bigga karpit. Stans ter reesun , dern itt? Errn yew wunner wanna be avvin 'err lugg vat facka abaht unner yore fackin' arm, coz iterred be a fackin' faag ter ave ter trye and karry vat abaht awn her bleedin' Jack, eh?
Reg: Nahr, azz yorz awn ver bleedin' subjikt orv yer Allybarbyerr, woz he befaw awl viz fackin' sharroni lawr kumm in or summat?
Col: Zackllee, eye mean sawl very wehll avvin yer fawty fackin feeves an all vat, baaht yer gawta make yawr krymes wurfwyle ennya? Eye mene if yawze stannin ter looze err fackin' rabber band ova a fackin' bit of feevin, s'gawta be wurf it, coz etts gonna be a fackin' stigmurr like, veys all gonna noze yerze a fackin Tea Leaf, ennay?
Reg: I meenez, gawnar bakka vem dayze, vey wazzant ewsin ver facking awl Mark 'oo Jaggz woz ter der blaags woz vey? Eye menes it woz probllee sum old fackin' fred bear bit ovva an orffkat orva fackin' peace of an awld Mawrokkin karpit wot veyz managed ter nik ahht ver fackin' kasbarr, eh? Problee ringed ver fackin' pattin sahr vat ver awld Bill wunnant be abel ter rekiggnize it? Sawt a kat and shat lyke? Ringa karpitt?
Col: Yer, I spoze vey'd goan awld aahp a fackin' waygiz Kamil fur ver fackin' Sheckills.
Reg: Ennyahw, weeze getting orf ovv ver poin, ennwee?
Col: Shore Reg, eye finks verrs a fewcher in Karpitts baaht, eye fink ve Ayrahbs is been kanny abaht it.
Reg: Wyze vat ven Col?
Col: Coz vey've gawt it sewed aahp enn 'ey?
Reg: See yer joak naar,
Col: Wot eye mennt woz, vat veyerr sitten awn fackin' millyun of barills orv oyl enn veyze gonner mayke shore vat ezz awl fackin' gawn afore vey starts mayken fackin' flayhn karpits aginn, stans ter raisin dahn ett?
Reg: Ere Col, yew reckkin vat yewd ave ter ave a karpiit for prayin awn lyke voze wazznims take ter ver Mawsqe? Orr wood ett be a fackin' eyebrid wott yewze kud flah baaht awn enn venn tayke inter verr Mawsqe enn do yerr reverence awn? Jaest arskin coz itza difffrent kulchewer ennit?
Col: Bit lahke avvin wunnovemm's Tawyota Previouses venn? Wotz petrill enn lectrik wenn yew wannit.
Reg: Wheyll, eye fink itza fackin' grate eyedeer, enn vat 'aahnin' 'aahn' flahyova erll enn ahp bean a monnyment ter a lorst age, enn verr awly facka's awn itz gernner be fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ahs. Fack me, ere's me stawp, ta ra Coal.

Clapham Omniblog - How it started and where the charachter inspiration came from.

The Clapham Omniblog and the Clapham Omnibus - What happened was...

It started out as a bit of a joke between my (recently) late friend Colin, (who was 82) and me. Colin had been born in Camberwell and I was made in Ealing and had lived in Teddington for four years so that sort of makes me a token Londoner, by default. In fact we both jointly owned a London Transport Routemaster bus. And his late father worked for London Transport. So this is all rather coincidental! Bit Proustian!

I like to do the odd impression and voiceover and I used to amuse Colin with a few of them of famous people and celebrities as he used to phone me up regularly, about 4 times a week. He was very interested in current affairs and we often talked about what was in the papers, a few years back he mentioned the (now late) Union Leader Bob Crowe of the RMT.

This was in the days of the reported alleged largesse of the union lunch and wine bills and so we were having a laugh about Mr Crowe's entertaining and I did one of my specials for Colin, in character as Bob Crowe with the voice and he fell about, so it sort of led to me developing my character of Reg.

We dispensed in our knockabout improvised sketch with Bob's Grand Cru Bordeaux wines and instead opted for a more working man's Mateus Rose, but we twisted this to become 'Machews Roses' and the unfortunate Black Forest Gateaux morphed into 'Blaahk Forris Gattoxes.' The old Machews being dispensed out of a Carafe, which became a Giraffe in our arena and by Colin's surrealism, a Camel. We found it hilarious. 'How many Camels have you got?' he would ask.

Back in the early 1980's before meeting Colin, I remember seeing a program on the East End and there was one old chap in the program who was from Canning Town, right in the East End, he had a unique diction, often missing out letters from his pronunciation, so for instance 'Canning Town,' became ''annin' 'ahnn.' And Council house, was pronounced as 'Cahrnsel 'aahse.'

I'd never heard this 'local dialect' before and this chap who was from Plaistow, which you might pronounce as it looks like 'Play-stow,' except his high pitched voice seemed to make it sound like 'Plaar-stow.' I remember one thing he said, was (in 'English first,')  'If I want entertainment, I go up (to) Canning Town.' So this was pronounced by him as 'If eye wants en'er'ainment, eye goes ahp ' 'annin' 'ahn.'

Indeed in 1977, I was accused by a French teacher of being a Cockney, even though I had only moved schools from about 2 miles away and I had not lived in London for seven years and the 'London' sound had only come from where I had lived in the previous four years which was not in London by over thirty miles inside the Stockbroker belt.

So, this inventive mind of mine, my love of comedy and this strange melange of situations and circumstances, evolved in my phone conversations with Colin. Indeed, he bought a Renault car and I had known a number of people who owned foreign make cars and often mispronounced the names. Such as a Peugeot properly being pronounced as 'Purr-jeau' becoming 'Pugh-joe.' Or possibly even a 'Pudge-it.'

So the Renault became a Wren-ault, an East End rendering of the pronounced 'Wren-oh,' of course we needed a place where it was bought and of course with our friend Bob's diction in mind, it had to be Hainault, so Colin's car became the fictitious 'Wren-ult of ain-ault.' And much fun we had with that. Having to go 'ahp 'ainawlt ter get me Ren-awlt fixt.'

Questions like 'ahr menee Camels of Machewses Rahsis can yer get in yer Wren-ault?' led to much merriment and so the concept came about, essentially as a comedy vehicle, you might say.

Although I had recorded one sketch in this incarnation with the sound of a London Transport Routemaster bus as my background using the Reg and Colin charachters, I hadn't written any more material as I was engaged on crime fiction writing for some years, but with the recent passing of Colin, I recalled our exchanges and wrote a sketch about the Renault from Hainault as a tribute, others seemed to slot in and almost write themselves. It seemed worth exploring, the musings of two elderly East End residents further.

I remembered the old chap from Plaistow and his diction and it seemed like it was inviting itself to be written that way. I recall years back at secondary school being bollocked by an English teacher about writing a piece of work in a Yorkshire dialect.

Wrongly criticised I felt, as the piece demanded a Yorkshire voice because it didn't really work in BBC English!  so I thought 'fack it, aisle rite it aahw it bleedin' well sahnds!' So I have.

Aaahnd, ere ett iz, verr Clapum Ormniblog. Via Camberwell Green. 'an Plarsterr' or Plaistow.

But of course, it would be lazy to leave it just there, so I incorporated the malapropisms of an old Londoner I worked for years ago into the sketches, which added a new dimension.

Much as I admired Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's work, their Derek and Clive characters

plummeted too far into the toilet via too much alcohol and resentment, so I introduced a more 'acceptable' form of mis-spelt profanity into my sketches where appropriate, if there can be such a thing!

I liked their 'Dagenham dialogues,' greatly, so I moved this type of setup on to when these sorts of characters might be around seventy years old, with the benefit of a great deal of real-life experience to discuss, but away from the comedic Pete and Dud and to another place. It was a reference point, not plagiarism.

In the 1980's, my mum had our house painted by a pair of Brothers did the job for us and listening to them was hilarious talking about subjects as diverse as the then famous footballer Paul Gascoigne, I remember one saying 'Gazza, ee can't handle it' (the media pressure) and this sort of added another dimension to this oeuvre.

So, hold very tight please and take your seat on Route 155 on the Clapham Omniblog, I hope you enjoy the musings of Reg and Colin, which I would like to put on video soon, as you may find the pigeon cockerney a bit difficult to follow, even if it is spelt phonetically!

RIP Camberwell Col.

Clapham Omniblog - Alternative comedy

In which Colin and Reg casts their mincers over alternative comedy

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ryte, wot yer fink abaaht al'errna'ive commer'ee Col?
Col: whehhl, eye aynt reely er fan, ter be onnist.
Reg: Nahh, me neeva. I fink itz cheep enn nawrsty.
Reg: Ownnlee vere's vis buk wot vat Lexi Sail's writ ennn vazye woz torkin abaaht in mee Daiwy Miwwa. Errr ay Wervue, sorta fing.
Col: Spose vey gottta reely, seen azz eeza bittova leftee.
Reg: You darn't lyke ver Daiwy Miwwa der yer Col?
Col: Naar, eye preefurze mee Doyly Moyle, cos I finks vat ver Miwwa's abaaht arfa step from bean ver fackin' Sewshullist Wurka awr yer Mawnen Staa. Eye mean, eye rekkins moast ervem fackin' Sewshullist Wurka reaydeis eyverr duzen't fackin' work enneyweyze or veyze eyverr a loader fackin' annerkissts, awr problee sortsa cants vatz gawt sum sorta fackin' wunovem nawn-bleedin' jawb lyke wots veyve fahnd ahta ver fackin'  Gardin paypa. Enneyway, yewse woz sayin' Reg?
Reg: Wehl, oym glaad vat yer gawt vat awf yer fackin' chest mayte, but eyes sorta ergreess wivya aahnn vat.
Col: Eye mean vat 'bruvverz ahat' sorta mentaller'ee vats wot facked Brittin up in ver six'ees enn sevennies mayte.
Reg: Wheyll, eye carn't fawlt yerr lawgic on vat scoare mayte, yerr ownlee go'a luk att ver caor industwee Britsh Laylandeeye enn ver lyke enn see wot voze cants did ter ver facker. Eye mene, veyz gawt bloakes verr, ooze tryinn ter mayke veze fackin' awfull motahhs lyke ver fackin Oarstin Alligrow ennnd ver fackin' Mawriss fackin' Maweennoze, eye mene vey woz nahr Alfer Romyaers woz vey? Ehhnnd,,, verrs veze fackin shawp stewids vatz callen ver pawr facker's aaht on bleedin' stryyke evree five cantin' minnits, eh?
Col: Zaclee mayte. Nuvva fing vat facks me awff is veze bleedin' Shampooing Sewshllists. Eyye meenz, vey kumz frawm veeze spensive Middul claarrs Ohmz, ehnnd vey awll try ter mayke aahht veyze bleedin' aahrrd dun bye, enn veyz got veze Awxbow Oonyversa'ee fackin; degroys lyke, enn veyze wayystid fackin' fyvee awr so yeerrs inna fackin Ooneryversa'ee, oernlee saarhs vat vey can fack abaaht in ver fackin' Fatlites, enn ven sum Prerjewcer frahm ver fackin' Beebeecee or Eye'eefackin'vee seezem, enn ee fackin synes emm ahp fawr sum sorta commdee prargrham, lyke enn vey getz fackin' faymuss enn rich.
Reg: Eye gets yawr driftwood completely mayte. Eye mene, if veyz wanna fack abahht in ver sorta frinnje fear'ahr, enn gitt awn ver 'elly, eye mean, dahn deenye sahm pawr wurkin' clarss facker' lyke yew and meezes dustbin lids frahm gettin' err charnce att enn Oony veresa'ee fackin' degrie awr fackin' Oonyversa'ee fackin' edgercayshun. Fer fack's sayke, eh?.

Col: Enn anuvver fing wot reelllee facks me or abaaht'emm eis vat, veyr awl awr payd ahpp membiz awv ver fakkin' Laybia Par'ee, enn veyz awl awlwyse tryner letyar nahw abahht it muchas vey kan, awwh veyz gaon awn abaht ahr veyz wasan Labiyah Par'ee mamba enn eye finks ter meeself, wehyll, eif yewza reayll fackin' sewshullist, ven, yewda bee livvin innan Cahnsil Aaahse ahp fackin' Acknee awr fackin' Tottnim ehnnd yewda givin yer moolah awayter gud cawzes, jergree?

Reg: Wheyll, vat is ver crux orv ver matta, coz vat brings uz rarvar convenentlee bakterr ver al'erna'ive commer'ee subjikt, lyke. Goan bakterr Lexi Sails, ryte, ee, kumz frawm sum skaase 'ome, ryte. Eye betts ee wuz lurnder reed awn fackin' Kyle Marx, yew reckkin?

Col: Eye gree wivya awn vat, eye meen vatz juss lyke voze Millivolt bruvvers wot woz in ver Labeeyaar Par'yy. Eye meen, it kaarn be nachrell ter be anngen abaaht wiv pepulle lyke Livvensten end Wedgie Teapot diskussin awlsortza lefff wing dawgma, when yewze awnly a fackin' dustbin lidd enn yer aynt add ver opperchewna'ee ter see a baalinced aregewmint, yer gree?

Reg: Wehyll, vatz bean ver problem wiv abaaht mawst orya bleedin' skoolz, veyze awl fulluv vese fackin' Mawrxsist fackin' teecherzz, wot doan teachum ann propah edjercayshun, buytt, vey fillahp vehr fackin' nogginz wivall vis fackin' leff wing dawgma.

Col: Cawze vats awl paart owv ver plaan, ennit? Cawze veyze mayken aann reddy mayde leff winger ricipteev aujence. Sahw, veeze sahw-cawlled 'Awl'err'naeeve Cummeejens, aave awl gotter reddy mixd ahwp aujence.

Reg: Sahr, eye sawr vat vat Lexi Sails, he ownlee gotta gaff in fackin' 'ampstid. Eye meenz, yer problee gotta aave a foo millyun quid aahp yer awld Ma'ress ter be able ter affawd a fackin' gaff in vat sorta Manna.Eh?

Col: Enn, itza self puppetchuratin' indistree, ennit? Coz voze leff wing fackkaz iz awnly edding fool to ver fyare by byinn iz bleedin' Capn Hook?

Reg: Yehr, enn ven yew gotta lode awv vehr maytes in ver fackin; meedja, enn veyz awl biggin ver facka's staff awp sahr sahme pawr fackin' lefty on ver minnimam fackin' wayge, gehrs enn byes ver facker.

Col: Yehr, enn ivvy rytes mawr shitt, venn ee kud problee goan bye anuvver aahse in 'ampstid iffee wanned, eh?

Reg: Lyke vat Benn fackin' Eltham, ee maykes his enrance goan awn stayge enn raggin Margrit Fatcha. Nahr, it my surprizeya ter naw vat eye aave gawt a lawed orv respect fawr wot Margrit Fatcha dunn ferr Brittin. Coz ver Labiyaar Par'ee unner ole Jim Calleran, vey realy facked it all aahp, eye mean yew reemember ver fackin' Winta orv discontent in fackin sevvenny ate? Ver fackin' cuntree was abaht fackin' finished, enn wot did yewze get, yewze aahd a choice enn Margrit Fatcha, gawd resta, shee, grebbed ver fackin' cuntree by verr backovitz fackin artie rolla, enn fackin' draggd itt back in'er prosperry'ee, dinnshe?

Col: Nahr eyeer, nevvan spected eyed eer yewze say vat, coz eye meen, wot woz ver fakcin' all'errna'ive? Mykyl fackin' Foot? Eye mene, eye mene, fackin' turnin' aahp at ver fackin' Cenner'aarf wiv a fackin' Daffel kaote awn, eye mene, shaar sum fackin' rispekt faw awl voze wot sakkrifyced emselves fawr awr kuntreeenn verr fackin waor, eh?

Reg: Yeh yeh, uze ryte vehr mayte, eye mene, aas a fackin' passerfist, ee aaad ver lukshree awf of goan awn voze fackin' Aldymastern mawrchiz, baan ver fackin' bawb enn all vat sorta fackin' tork.

Col: Enn, when Maggy woz goan ter sort aaht ver fackin' Fawklinds, ee, Footee, he wuz onver fackin' 'elly ehnn ee woz givvin it sum sorta conchy fackin' tork abaaht aah ee owped vat 'eevin aat vis levvinff ahr, vat vey kud still rabbit abaaht it sum mawr.' Baht, give Maggye her dew, she dint fack abaaht. She kud see ver fackin' bigga pitcher. Enn, shie nuu vat iff she gotta viktree in ver fackin' Fawklinds, venn veze ovvver fackin' wurl leedies woz gonna aveter rekkignize vat cos  shee woz a burd ann'all, she want gonna be nahw fackin' pushova.

Reg: Enn eye mene, ware woz awl vez fackin' lefty commeejuns ven? Enn venn yewze gets shawt of fackin' Footee . Enn, yewze getz vat ginja windbag Kinnik, ehnn eesz gettin' awl veez yung pawp staarz inter sum sorta fackin' moosik fing called Redd fackin' Widge, awar summit lykatt.

Col: Wheyll, viz was ver sorta problimm when vey startz ter blaur ver fackin bahndries, eehnd venn veez sahw-callud fackin' Commeejuns yewzinn ver fackin' polly'hicks fawr verr maw'eereeall.

Reg: Eend, yule see vat raahnd vis sorta 'ime, aw voze awld skule Commeejuns lyke Morkim enn Wyse, enn yer 'ommy 'oopers, enn yer Maahnkaahses, vey woz awl gettin' pushed aahtov telly coz vey'd gawt all vese yung fackin' lefty Edds ov fackin' sahr-callud 'Loight 'enner'ainment' oo wuz bukking ver fackin' axts.

Col: Yerr, eye mene, awl voze aulder Commeejuns, vey err woz vewwy baahdlee 'itt bye ver fackin' nu kidz cahmin in ter vert fackin' seen. Eh?

Reg: Enn it ull gawn dahnill sinz venn. Bleedin ell, me stawp, ta ra Col!

Clapham Omniblog - Robosexuals, Retrosexuals, Metrosexuals and Linda Lovelips

In which Colin and Reg review sex aids from Linda Lovelips to the new robosexuality

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere ere Col, ave a Butcha's at vis, in me Daiwy Miwwa. 
Col: Oh blimey, vat looks tasty!
Reg: Yo fancy it? You kud get lucky mate, dead cert!
Col: You must be avin' a giraffe mate.
Reg: Naah, strait up Col. Ere reed it.
Col: Cowh, sarnds like a sorta bionic Barbie, doanit? Takes yer back ter Linda Lovelips doanit?
Reg: You wan hear a funny story abaht vat?
Col: Goan mate.
Reg: My cuzzin Jeff used ta live dahn Wandswurf, enn eye woz over vere wun ollerday enn we woz dahn ver Wondel which was small river off of ver Thames like, enn we fawt we sore a body floatin.'
Col: Blaahdy ell mate, wot yew do abaaht it ven?
Reg: We wenn up to a call box enn I rings up the Old Bill enn, told'em abaht wot we saw. Enn vey sent ahp a motah lawnch up ver Wandle ter ver pier. So, ver Saarge on ver boaat, he says 'shher as where it is Saan.' Sah, we gets on ver motah launch , enn we motahs dahn vere. Ennyway, cut a long story, we shows imm wheyre we saw it enn he gets a gaffer 'ook awf ve boat ryte, enn he pulls it in. We were fackin' shit scared cos we fawt it was a body, enn we was only about twelve or summat. Saah, he gets it aapon ve old gaff, enn turns aht its only a fackin' Linda Lovelips blow up dawll vat's fallen in ver warter. We felt a ryyte pair o' cants. Anyway, he was pretty good abaht it and vey woz all larrfin on ver boat, we didn't know why. Ennyway, vey drops us back on ver pier on ver Wandle and vat was vat. That's all. 
Col: Well, least it wernt a real ooman body, dew member they woz advertizin vose in ver Exchange and Maart? Vey woz a bit like the old Mark Free Fawd Cor'inna, coz you had an X, XL or GXL Fawd Cor'inna end, you ad yer Linda Lovelips wiv a realistic first class diner, marf and aynuss if you woz goan for the deluxe moddill. Plus end I say plus, it kud ave sum realistic Lionel Blair.
Reg: Dew reckkin, vat enneywun eva tested vat in cawt wiv Tradin' Standids? I mean, eye aynt gawt ver best pair of mincers on ver planet but even eye, wiv me myopic condichun can see vat a plaaastic vagyna aynt ever not gonnabe as realistic as an ooman wun. Eye mean, eye'd be quoyte 'appy jus to ave ver realistic vagyna. Callin' at ver Tradesman's ent'rance aynt my cuppa Rosie Lee. But eye challenje any norrmall sorta purrson ter agree vat a piece orv melted plaaastic is in enny shape or fawm, a viable end realistic substitute for a real vagyna. Eye rests me case.
Col: Eye fink it wood be fayer ter say vat it wood be differcult ter dissergree wiv ya on vat score. Its nah surprize vat nah wun aas eva brought such a case to cawt.
Reg: Yew say vat, buuut, ver woz eye sore, anuvver vershun of Linda or summit lyke it, wiv an vibraytin Vagyna.
Col: Aah realistic wors that wun then?
Reg: I don't remember mate, it was 1979, it woz in an Exchange end Maart sumwun left in ver karzi at work.
Col: Coz yew kud ownly buy vese from eiver an add in verr Exhange and Maart or from a licenced sex shop, you know like the one up Plumsted Common Rahd, ver wun wiv all the winders all blacked aaht witch eye yewsed ter go parst on ver way ter ver Pox Clinic.
Reg: Sar, vis fackin' licence venn, woz vat lyke aavvin ann Caar licence venn? Eye mean, did yer ave ter get a fackin' prervissional furst or summat? Eye mean if yer ayn't gawt ver propah license lyke, did yer have ter ave sum facker wiv ya at ver caahnta when yew was sellin summan a fackin dilder or summat? Well, eye dunno. Eye mean, woz it lyke avvin ter ave Ell Playtes upp or summat enn avvin some facker wiv ya when yew was aht drivin as Lurner?
Col: Eye dunno, but isle tell yer summit, eye fawt eye was bein add wun tyme oi got me copy orve ver Exchange enn Maarrt. Eye add ter chek it wurnt April ver fackin' furst.
Reg: Well, wot 'append mayte?
Col: Eye turns to ver adult secshun enn I sore vis add fawr ver Lunnon Tee Vee Cenner, sellin' coschewmes, raight. So, eye fawt, raight, Lunnon TeeVee Cenner enn it add a dubbleyer twelve post code enn a Wood Lane address, loyke wot Valerie Singleton ewsed to give aaht on vose Bloo Peater appeals in ver fackin' sevenies. Sah,eye fawt vis looked lyke ver BeeBeeCee woz 'avvin' a bit of a clear ahht of summov ver auld woardrobe stuff, rayse a bit of ackers or summat. Buutt, when eye looks a clahser, s'only a fackin' trannies bleedin' olesale boo'eeq, innit? Eye felt a ryte cant for a minnit. Nota real woomin's cant, eye might add. Unfawchewnatelee.
Reg: Well, sex shops as moved on vese days Col. I mean Aaaan Summaz is mainstream, 'sin ver bleedin' igh street naw. 
Col: Yew seen ver stuff vey got? I fahnd a coppy of one of vehr catalogez dahn ver kannal toe parves over ver weekend. Fackin' ell, vey've got some stuff. Eye mean ter say, ver old dayze of sum sorta plaaastic representayshun of a mayle phallis witch yer bunged in a cupple of Ever Ready HP sevins fawr your old lady ter mess arahnd wiv, s'all gone mayte, veyve got USB chargeable fings nahr.
Reg: Weyll, eye add a simmiler experience lyke wiv yore Exchange enn Maart, cos I saw sum books advver'ized in Penthaase in wun ov vem block adds, enn I fawt vese two bloaks azz been bizzy wry'inn, enn vey look lyke fackin' exspurts ohn sex. Fawteen books adver'ised enn, eye fawt vey'd writtenem all. Until I realised vat Frank & Explicit woz a warnin' to ver vooer aaand nawt ver names ov ver fackin; awfers.
Col: Ere, Reg, yew remeba vat fillm wiv Mel Smiff innit, Willt, wann it? He was un Detectivv, Enn ee woz convinced vat 'enry Wilt played by Griff Rees wosisname  'ad dun 'iz ole lady inn, enn 'ee add berried err in a fackin' hole on ver Collidge wear he was lecherer.
Reg: Yew mean lectcherer Col?
Col: Is vere enny fackin' diff'rence?
Reg: Fack noze, I nevva went ter collidge. Go on.
Col: Enny har, ver Mel Smiff carotter, ee azz vis facking load of reinfawced concrit dug awp, coz he rekkins vat Wilty azz put his auld woman dahn ver fackin' hole. Only, wot it iz ackerchewlly, iz er fackin' Linda fackin' Lovelips wiv aan eye qwoat an realistic Vagyna enn anynuss.
Reg: Wiv ver vybryater?
Col: It woz nevva menshunned. Sah Reg enn er rahndabaht way, wood yew aave sex wivv a fackin' rowbot?
Reg: Wehll, putt it vis way Col, eyed ravver aaave sex wivv er fackin' rowbot venn, wun vat was ann awddenree rowbot. Eye do aave standids.
Col: It sez inn eer ryte in yer Miwwa artikel, vat yew can desighn wot she looks lyke, dahn ter her boat race and allsorts. Eye mene, if yewse gonna spend aht ten fowsand pahnds awn a fackin' silicone Sally, yewse mite as well avve yerself suffink  yer finds attractive.
Reg: Wehll, vis all starts ter get er bitt confusin, coz ver's all vese sorts er genders stuff nah, eye mene, it aynt nah longer Maan and Womaan, vers all vese ovvar tyapes of options, lyke Metrersexules enn nahr rober sexules. Eye mene, where's it gonna end? Retrersexules, they just look upp ole girlfriends, eye erd.
Col: Wehll, verr iz tork vat oomans myte seize ter exist, enn, we myte aaave awr brayns traansplan'ed inner oomanoid cider body shell, lyke on Docter ooo, wot ver cidermen are mayde lyke.
Reg: Yeah, wehll I spoze vat in vat case, long as yer got yer supply ov spare parts, yer kud live for evva?
Col: Well, vere's a fackin fawt ven, ay? Ere's me stop ta ra Reg.

Clapham Omniblog - Shirt Street Order - Crime and Policing in London

In which Colin and Reg review the changing face of policing in London

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere I wuz up in mee lorft ver uvva day, enn ay cums acrawss enn auld phoater of me auwld man when ee woz in ver Old Bill dahn enn Rovverive.
Col: Fack me, vat mustav bin a few years back? 
Reg: Corse, ver fayce orv Pleecin aas changed since ee woz on ver beet. Avv a butcha's at vis in me Daylee Miwwa.
Col: Fack me, looks like bleedin Robercop!
Reg: That's a byrd mayte!
Col: Yer avinn' a giraffe mate, gotta be a bloak, gotta gan an all.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd innit, ere look, yer can see oyeloyna.
Col: Maybe itz wun of vem bloaks oo carnt decide, eye mene ennyfing seems ter go vese dayze, dunnit? Veyer tayekin allsorts, gotter, all vis plitikal crektniss shit.
Reg: Nahr, itza byrd, it sez eere in ver payepa.
Col: Fack me yewze ryte. Well eye nevva. Yew carnt tell, under vat ellmet ann all vat sorta army clobba.
Reg: When my ole man started wiv ver Met, ee add ter wear a fackin; chewnick in all wevvers. Musta been bleedin sweltrin' in ver fackin' summer, coz we used ter ave sam fackin' blinders in vose days. All ee add woz a trunchin an a fackin wissel.Ee nevva add a fackin' gan or wun of em' Teezer's vey got nahrdayze.
Col: Eye rememeba vat vey usta ave Caypes an all.
Reg: My ole man got aht in ver late sixtees and ee sed wot a relief it woz ter be able ter onlee ave ter ware a dicky in ver summa, ahht on ver beat. Come May it was shirt street order, nah fackin' chewnicks if it were too bleedin' ott, tayke it orff. Bleedin Gawdsend he rekkind.
Col: Well, ver wurnt ver crime abaht woz there? Eye mene rahnd ere ver lydd was wellan trulee kept onnit, Dahn Befnul Green, you dinn step outta lyne not wiv vose Krayze abaht. Vey din call it Deff Knell Green fawr nuffink.
Eye mene, vey sorted aht veyre own problms aaht. Eye mene, if yew called wunuvemm a big fat poof in a packed East End Boozer, yer'd llyleky get yer awld noggin blown orff.
Reg: Ayn yew look at ow vese Koppas is dressed naw, eye mean, my auld mann, ee fawt vat chewnick looked real smart, even if it was bleedin' hot ter ware some'imes.
Col: Nahrdayze, vey got sum sorta 'quipment belt on emm, lyke suffink wot Bahtmann wore. Fackin' utilli'ee belt. Member vat frawm Batman on ver telly? Eye mene, Dixon of Dock Green it ain't.
Reg: Eye fink ver Sweeni on ver Tee Vee wors ter blame fawr it. Eye mene, croyme woz all old skule sorta stuff un'ill vey awl started ridin' rahnd in fackin' motahs, dryvin lyke fackin' maniacs. Eye mene, its ownlee gonna encourij ver scrotes ter copy it. Ennit?
Col: Well, ewe aynt gettin' ver waygis trux rahnd lyke yer ewsed ter. Sah, ver ayn't ver armd robbris vat ver ewsed ter bee in ver Sweeney dayze. Eye mene, we aull get payd lectronically mostly, nahr. Eye mene, wot security trux ver is, aaht ver, really carry fack all bangers end mash, not lyke in ver auld dayze, back inver fackin' seven'ees when veyze was bloated wiv ackers.
Reg: Yew saw an ole Mark two Jaag ven, ten 'err wun, it was sum tasty Geeza's aaght on a blagg or suffink. In vose dayze, vey wus just arskin' ter get a tug from the auld Bill. Nahr, it's all vis cider crime, on-lyne or forrin pick pockits, I aynt racist, butt it az ter be said. Yer look at all ver stertistiks, eye mene ver true wuns wot vey doant 'ide, cos vey's not plitiklly crect.
Col: I fink vats been arf ov ver problem, I fink vey've bin covrin up whooz really doing ver crymes aand eye fink veyve binn usin' efnic mynory'ees stuff as en excewse, iz backfard on'emm.
Reg: But yo fink abaht it, when vose Oognoses came to ver East Ennd from Frahnce, ver was nevva enny Barney Rubble? Moast ovv'em were skilled people loike, taylers and silversmiffs end vat sorta stuff. Vey nevva add ter resawort ter cryme, coz vey aad a fackin' trayde.
Col: Well, eye fink itz ull ver politishun's fawlt, vey've gawn soorft on cryme aahnd it ayn' bleedin' worked, azzit? Yew luk aaat Saaadier Rabia, eend if yewze gets in a bit a foam and bubble over there,  yule probly get yer aand cut awf or summit. Eye mene, itza bit extreme, baaht it doant stoppem doin' ver crymes duzzit? Its vat Sharonni law innit?
Reg: An murdah's common nahr, eye mene sum kid gets stabbd aahp Plarstow last week and nahr wun takes enny fakkin' nowtice. Baht ver same as if yer dog left a turd on the pavement, eye mene in ver auld days, summon wood 'ave ticked yer orff fawr that, nahrdayze, they doant givva fack. Nahr wun spekes ter each over, itz very sad mate.
Col: Eye fink itz gotter gaw full cyrkull. I fink Willie Whitelaw was right, short sharp shock. Aand Normin Tebbit, he was rite, 'Get on yer Byke' sorta attichewed. Eye mene, these peepull ave it all too bleedin' easy. Vey orta 'ave ter get aht ver enn do suffink for ve ackers theys getz.
Reg: Doant yew fink its veyrr 'ome lyfe ter blame?
Col: Well, vats wot awl yer fackin' sosheollergists make aht. Eye fink veyre ull tulkin bollux. Eye fink vey eynt gotter fackin' Scooby to be onnest. Vey fink corse vey gotter fackin' universe'ee fackin' dergree, vat vey got awl ver fackin' arnsers. Vey shud bring back 'angiing I rekkin, fer starters.
Reg: Used ter be poplar that, dahn Tybun. Royt soshul sorta gavrin wannit? Eye mene, peepul wood cum from myles and myles araahnd ter see it, enn vey yewsed ter sell programs an fackkin' all sorts. Thered be en'er'ainers and peepul selling ott chessnuts end fancy goods, a bit like Brick Lane market but with anging goan on. Peepull nevva add telly in vem dayze corse.
Col: Eye recckin vey shud bring bac ver stox, eye mene, ave summon put in vose fawr a cuppla dayze dahn Clap'm Eye rode an ave peepul frown rottin vedge attam, mite makum fink twyyce abart doin' cryme, eh? Juss fawr small stuff lyke.
Reg: Eye fink yew mite ave suffink verre mate. Eye means, vese prizzins is all bleedin' cotton wull and all, veze dayze. Vose fackers asz gawt bleedin' Sky fawr nuffink', eye carnt affawd ter ave bleedin' Sky Sattlite telly, vose fackers brakes the bleedin' lawr end vey get its fawr nuffink! Bleeding hollerday camp if yewr arsk me!
Col: Aah blaady ell, me stawp! See ya mate!