Clapham Omniblog - The Sid James Infirmary aka St James Hospital Bethnell Green

In which Colin and Reg discuss the St James (Sid James) hospital at Bethnell Green

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ere kipp this ter yerself Col, cosz eyes onlee tellun yers as mayte lyke, baaht eyes gawt er gaw for an arsendoscopy aap fackin' Death Knell Green Orspitool.

Col: Aw fackin' ell mayte, worts roarng wiv yewse nahws?

Reg: Worz vat Dawktor vat Injun bloak, Faakerjee or summat lyke aaht, he reckkins corse eyze gettun orn a bit oye sherd avven awld gitz emm Oh ee, lyke.

Col: Wort verr facks awl vat abaaht venn? Eye meanz yer nort lyke sum sorta fackin; awld Oarstin Allegri vats awl rahstin away ter fack Reg? Yer lukk oarwrighe ter mee baaht venn aginn, eye arnt a fackin' Dawkter, enn eye? Wortz ee loyke venn?

Reg: Heez oarwright, vewwy nyce bloak ackerchewllee.

Col: Wheyll, eye add sum worman dawkter end eye dunt lyke her, finks sheez gawds gift ter medsin.

Reg: Whyse vat Corl, eye fawt yew liked worman dawkters?

Col: Verr fackin' cheely bitch arsked me if ah kud pawl me fawsken orver ver ve edd orv moy awld mann? Eye fawt vats a bit orva fackin' liberr'y at aulf parst noine in verr fackin' mornin', loyke enn frahm a wummahn. Sahr, I faut, givv err as good as she gettz lyke, sahr eye says ter err, 'ernley terr brake the ayze at par'eez.' Vattad fackin' lerner!  Baaht she nevva sawr verr fackin' jawk prawbly a femmnist or wun of vem lezbins or summat. Ay aynt gorna put aahp wiv vat sorta fackin' fing, eye mean, sahr eye nevva gorn verr aginn. Sahr Reg, eff itz nort ahn rewd queschin, woy do theyze worna luk awp yawr jaxi venn, yhew darn't moynd me awsken?

Reg: Naah, naah myte, corz weev knaan eech over fawr dawnkeys eerze. Viz Faakkerjee bloak, royt, ee ses, ee wornza sekund pinyun, just in case you maight have a swelled ahp prawstrate glaaand. Enn, he fawt vat ett maight be a gud fing ter be sayfer rarver van fackin' sawry, awr brahn bred o'kawse. Heez gawt a point, enn ee's a vewwy gud dawkter, eye aynt nevva add narfing ter com'lain abaht orff ov 'I'm.

Col: Eye means der yer knawse worts goan orn?

Reg: Aw yerr, ee reckins vat vey gawt vis sorta camera orn a peece orve flexibill chewbing, enn basically ere, its gawt an end ornitt lyke ann arfa marbil, enn inn err bit orvit verr's a broyt elleedee loyte, enn verr ovva bit orvit's gawt an igh deviation kamyra wot weelays loyve vidyo orv worts aap me awld jaxi, royt orna ann 'elly screewn.

Col: Saahr, yore gahn aahp verr awld Sid James venn? Verr's sahm fackin' tasty narhses aahp vat orspi'ool, eye reckkin eye sore wun vat worz a dead spit orv vat Barbyrar Winsur, enn I fawt orv awld Sid James, gawd rest him. Eye means he worz a laahcky awld facker worn he? Ter get a shag wiv vat Barbyrar Winsur byrd, Eye means she still looks fackin' tasty, wud yer giver wun?

Reg: Wheyll, eye ud, baaht she awnlee gahs fawr yahnger bloaks vese dayze, which is a grate pitty. Eye mean she's a cormedy ennstichewshun.

Col: Eye fink you orta be in a fackin' ennstichewchun, yer derty awld facker! Ohnlee kiddin' Reg.
Reg: Wheyll, eyem glaahd vat we can aave a larf abaaht it corse ett is an searius subberjeckt, ennit. Eye mean vat Sid James, gawd rest I'm, iz awld boat worz like ahn slapped Arris, eye mean verr must be 'ope for us all, eh? Well, eye fackin' ope sahr.

Col: Wheyll, yew rearmember vat fillm Carry orn Dawkter, enn vat JIm Dale's ryte awney fer Baabs, enny? Eye reckkin vats whoy vey aad ter ave vose fackin' metill fraymes under ver fackin' berrd cloves lyke, sah vat ver bloakes who warse in berrd awn verr fillm sett, sah vey kud have an krarfty waynk, wivvaht ett been ter awbveeus. Myndya, vat awld 'aatty Jacks worze a fackin sahze, dunn doo nuffink fawr me, baht each ter iz ehn?

Reg: Ryte, enn, eye bett when ver fackin' filming worz awl dahn, vat venn vey took vose fackin' fraymes aaht frahm unner ver sheets, ver facking sheets awl stayed up, lyke sahm papper mashy enn cawton fackin' pyrymidd. Vey'dd prawblee add sahr mach stimmerlayshun enn chacked sahr match Charlie Munk, vat vey mahstave wahnked emselves ter fackin' near erblivveon.

Col: If it wurnt verr cayse Reg, eye fink yerr wud ave terr arsk yersell wevver verr worz summit wraung wiv yer? Wot wiv awl vose facking tasty nahses abaht, eh?

Reg: Baaht, awn verr ovvver ahnd, ser ter speke, yer might be in'immida'ed by it awl, enn nawt abill ter get enny fackin' wud. Eye mean, in vat fillm , pawr awld Sid James, add ter be in a berdd, laahn dahn, coz he'd awnlee jawst gawt erver a rhyl lyfe fackin; art a'aack. Pawr facker!

Col: It wud be ardlee sarpryzin wot wiv him lahken Barb enn fackin' the arzz orvit.
Reg: Ee prawblee arverdunnitt, fackin' nyce way ter go vough. Eye meenz if eeda pegged aaht havin an fack, vey'd an addan awferl jawb gettun ver fackin' lid orn izz cawfin, I sez. Eye doan reckkinvat worz ver sortawood vat he worz lookin' err git, eyver.
Col: Ahr eezee worz it fer yer ter git an 'pointmunt, cawse its sahr fackin' bizzee nahr?
Reg: Wheyll awl Dawkter Fakerjee, corse it worz urgen' lyke, he pulled strings, ee reckkins jus ter bee sayfe lyke, ee cunn take ver risk, nawt verr enn prawstrate, lahk.
Col: Worl vats fackin' summat, eye fink yer big prawblawm apaht frawm verr bean ter manee immy grunts enn eye aynt a rayshullist but, ett as ter be said like. Veys awl kumman 'ere fawr ver free fackin' NHS wot yewze and meez paid infaw, enn ahs pawr awl farkers iz at verr back orv verr kew, coz we is whyaat, I'm nawt a rayshullist butt...
Reg: Indeed myte, enn wunn good fing abaht yer fackin' immygrunz ess vat we's getting sahm Dawkters cahmin ova ere immum, verr's an awfall lahd a shit kamms in lyke fackin' forrin crimnals and ver lyke and fackers awnlee ere fawr the fackin' sewshul, well at least me Dawkter Fakkerjee's nawt an alkyhawlik lyke verr laswst fackin' awld geeza wort eye add. He add ahn sample orve me Gipsy's enn he reckkins vat eye worz pregnant, stooppid awld cant!
Col: Sahr Reg, yerr lerkin forwid to yerr arsendoscerpee venn? Eye means yer myte get sahm taste nahses ter awld yerr anhd or summat?
Reg: Wheyll, ezz lorng es vey ennt lahk vat Fatty Jacks burd. She worz an ryte awld battil exe inn vat fillm.
Col: Ere Reg, baaht she wurnt arf an goer in weal lyfe, enn she worz married ter vat Jawn LeMusaror bloke wort woz vat Sargint Wilsan enn fackin' Daad's ormy. Yer kna?
Reg: Will, mybea vat Barby Winsur myte nawt be in Ease Enders fawr verr moment enn restin', vats worts veyy caul ett wayn yewse an Akkertawr enn yehr between yerr partz. Yerr maaht ber lacky enn ge awl Bawbs as yer nawse. Like vat Petaah Gilmawer add sed ter enn vat film bye err, ' cawr wort a luvverly pair,' enn ee sez bak terurr 'yer tuk ver wurds raaht aaht erve mi maarf!' facikin' ell.
Col: Whall, yer sahnds cheerfall enuff abahat it, ennyhaar.
Reg: Whall yer gorta bee myte, ennyhaw erez me stawp, ta ra Col!