In which Colin sees a Tour de France Carbon Fibre bike in Halfords
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: 'ere mate, you see vat Bargin 'unt last week?
Colin: Nah mate, I like that Dayvid Dickinson, bit of a fackin' geezer, weelin' an' deelin. Wear's nice whistles. Gawt a fackin spensiv lookin watch.
Reg: No, he doughne do it no maw, sum uvver bloke, Tim suffink, suffink sounds like pigeoncot. Any 'aah, vey's woz in one ov 'em salvage places an' vis Tim bloke, he see's a front wheel of a boike stickin' aaht from under a bit o' auld caarpit. I could see from the front forks it looked a fackin' Rawleigh.
Colin: Fackin' stroll on mate.
Reg: Nah wurd of a lie mate! I fawt it was a fackin' Rawleigh shoppin' bike at furst, 'cos it 'ad a small wheel like a kid's bike aves.
Colin: 'an vem frahnt fawks, you no ve wuns, wivver dimples in ver choob ends.
Reg: Yeh, yeh, so he pulls back ver carpit,'aan fack me, it's only a fackin' minnnt, Rawleigh Choppa in Taangerine orinje. Strait aap, it was fackon' minnnt! He reckins vat it came aaht ovva bike shop wot closed daahn in 1971, he even had ver rijinal box over it, baht the fackin' myce chewed it ter fack, so he had to frow it aaht.
Colin: Ju no wot? Eye stopped beeleevin' in fackin' Farver bleedin' Krismus in fackin' 1971, 'cos eye wanhed a fackin' Rawleigh Choppa faw Krismus. We 'ad vis fackin' Krismus pudden at skule vat we all got a chance er a stir ovv 'an we kud make a wish fur krismus. Sah, eye wishes for a brahnnd nu, fackin' Rawleigh Choppa, in Taangerine. Yu no wot? Ver fackin' cant never bort the facker. So that was that. Fackin' fat cant.
Reg: Ennyway, vis bloke, watts got vis fackin' Choppa, I reckin is wuz all set up like. So he gets it dahn, end vey starts gettin' intrested, but he aynt gonna sell it. Vey offad him a fackin' Munky faw it, but he wurnt 'avin nun of it. I fawt he mite tellum a fack off, but it woz on ver BBC, sah I expect vey eddid vat aaht. Yew kud tell it wus all set aap, coz ver tires was all pahmped aahp. Fackin' cants innay?
Colin: Yer no, I wen ahp 'alfards ver uvva week faw a spray can ter tahch in ver back of me Fawd, ver that stooped bitch frahm nex dawer, she only goes ehnd bax inna me fackin' Fiiester, wots in aarh shared droive. I meen, fack me, she karnt dryve a fackin' cat inn ver aahse. Sheee taykes abaht half a fackin' ahr to do a fackin' free point turn in ver fackin' roahd. Sar, woyle I woz ver, I started speakin' to vis bloke 'oo worked ver, abaht vese raycin' bykes vat woz on a display stand.
Reg: You see vem fackin' bykes on ver fackin' tooor de frahnce ver uvva week? Fack me, ver saddil on wun of vose fackaz looked abaht a finn as a piece uvv fackin inch wyyde chipboard, looked abaaht as fackin' comfortable too. Mahy furst byke was a fackin' auld Rawleigh ull steel, wiv 28 fackin' inch wheels and a fackin' clik clik fackin' strurmey archer ubb gear. Lyke wot Vikkars ryde in fings lyke Miss bleeding Maples on ver telly.
Colin: You won't berleev it mate, gess aah much vis bleedin' bike in 'aalfurds woz?
Reg: Munky?
Colin: Not eyven fackin' close mate!
Reg: Wot, an Arab?
Colin: Wot u in, verr fakin' 1950's?
Reg: Well, oi donnow.
Colin: Foive, fackin, grahnd! Foive, fackin', grahnd, fer a bleedin' boyke!
Reg: ee's avin you on mate.
Colin: Naar, strait aahp. I saw ver ticket anging off ver frame. Saah, I sez too imm, u shore mate? foive fackin graahnd? Enn ee sez, yeah, 'cos its made er yer Carbin fybah, lyke wot vey uze on vem formula wun caahs.
Reg: Muy aulled fackin' Rawleigh all steel, cost mee two pahnd ten ahnd vat waz sekind aahnd, aan it woz fackin' ancsheent ven. I reckin ver furst bloak 'oo ohned it masst 'ave been fackin' Nowah.
Colin: Mate, yer livin' in ver fackin' dark ayyjis. Matey sez vat a fackin spare weal for that fakin' raycin byke was about two grand. Eee reckinned vat sum bloke, bort wun o' vese ahn stack it on fackin' Ebay a week lay 'err for two grahn. Rekkins vat he ohnlee rowed it abaaht a mile, didn't get on wiv it. Wot a mug. Enn, he sez vat a Carbin Fybah byke doughn last more van a few years, coz of all the loawd onnit.
Reg: Vat sahnds lahk a fackin' waste a munny a me. Kud bye a fackin' decent motah faw vat kinda moohlah an' still have an Arab leff to buy a racin' byke wiv, wun wivv a metyll frame, allyminyum, or suffink like vat.
Colin: Ee reckin vat sum maytee, wot he noze in sum syyklin club aahp Walfamstah way, ee woz dahn in Balumm aahnd ee getz itt by sum fackin' Minicaab. Fackin' byke shattaz lyke fackin' glaarss, frayme, frahnt weal, it's facked, bitz evrywear. So anyway, ver old Bill saw itt and cums ova, eehnd maytee in ver cab, staarts ter mayke aaht he karnt speke English propa ehnd, eye ayn't beein raycist, butt...
Reg: Well, eye ope ee woz bleedin' ensured. Eye mene, maytee on ver byke sahnds lyke eez gotta kayse against imm fawr dew care. Ennyway, wot appenned?
Colin: Dunno mate, vatts all he tawld me. Bet ee woz sick as a parritt ova vat.
Reg: Ennyway, yew kno Aahlf wot used to work aat ver toire fakktree?
Colin: Wot Aahlf 'oos in ver Skrubs fawr arrmd robbry?
Reg: Yahyr, vat Aalf. Wayll, when we woz abaht fawteen, wee wenn on a tour of Balumm.
Colin: Nott Frahnce ven?
Reg: Naah, we only got as fahr as Balumm, ee got in un argewment wiv a Copper an' clocked him wun. Saar, I add ter fack off ome on me own. Appy daze.
Colin: Yerrr, appy daze. Enny haar, ere's me stop, see yer mate!
Colin: Nah mate, I like that Dayvid Dickinson, bit of a fackin' geezer, weelin' an' deelin. Wear's nice whistles. Gawt a fackin spensiv lookin watch.
Reg: No, he doughne do it no maw, sum uvver bloke, Tim suffink, suffink sounds like pigeoncot. Any 'aah, vey's woz in one ov 'em salvage places an' vis Tim bloke, he see's a front wheel of a boike stickin' aaht from under a bit o' auld caarpit. I could see from the front forks it looked a fackin' Rawleigh.
Colin: Fackin' stroll on mate.
Reg: Nah wurd of a lie mate! I fawt it was a fackin' Rawleigh shoppin' bike at furst, 'cos it 'ad a small wheel like a kid's bike aves.
Colin: 'an vem frahnt fawks, you no ve wuns, wivver dimples in ver choob ends.
Reg: Yeh, yeh, so he pulls back ver carpit,'aan fack me, it's only a fackin' minnnt, Rawleigh Choppa in Taangerine orinje. Strait aap, it was fackon' minnnt! He reckins vat it came aaht ovva bike shop wot closed daahn in 1971, he even had ver rijinal box over it, baht the fackin' myce chewed it ter fack, so he had to frow it aaht.
Colin: Ju no wot? Eye stopped beeleevin' in fackin' Farver bleedin' Krismus in fackin' 1971, 'cos eye wanhed a fackin' Rawleigh Choppa faw Krismus. We 'ad vis fackin' Krismus pudden at skule vat we all got a chance er a stir ovv 'an we kud make a wish fur krismus. Sah, eye wishes for a brahnnd nu, fackin' Rawleigh Choppa, in Taangerine. Yu no wot? Ver fackin' cant never bort the facker. So that was that. Fackin' fat cant.
Reg: Ennyway, vis bloke, watts got vis fackin' Choppa, I reckin is wuz all set up like. So he gets it dahn, end vey starts gettin' intrested, but he aynt gonna sell it. Vey offad him a fackin' Munky faw it, but he wurnt 'avin nun of it. I fawt he mite tellum a fack off, but it woz on ver BBC, sah I expect vey eddid vat aaht. Yew kud tell it wus all set aap, coz ver tires was all pahmped aahp. Fackin' cants innay?
Colin: Yer no, I wen ahp 'alfards ver uvva week faw a spray can ter tahch in ver back of me Fawd, ver that stooped bitch frahm nex dawer, she only goes ehnd bax inna me fackin' Fiiester, wots in aarh shared droive. I meen, fack me, she karnt dryve a fackin' cat inn ver aahse. Sheee taykes abaht half a fackin' ahr to do a fackin' free point turn in ver fackin' roahd. Sar, woyle I woz ver, I started speakin' to vis bloke 'oo worked ver, abaht vese raycin' bykes vat woz on a display stand.
Reg: You see vem fackin' bykes on ver fackin' tooor de frahnce ver uvva week? Fack me, ver saddil on wun of vose fackaz looked abaht a finn as a piece uvv fackin inch wyyde chipboard, looked abaaht as fackin' comfortable too. Mahy furst byke was a fackin' auld Rawleigh ull steel, wiv 28 fackin' inch wheels and a fackin' clik clik fackin' strurmey archer ubb gear. Lyke wot Vikkars ryde in fings lyke Miss bleeding Maples on ver telly.
Colin: You won't berleev it mate, gess aah much vis bleedin' bike in 'aalfurds woz?
Reg: Munky?
Colin: Not eyven fackin' close mate!
Reg: Wot, an Arab?
Colin: Wot u in, verr fakin' 1950's?
Reg: Well, oi donnow.
Colin: Foive, fackin, grahnd! Foive, fackin', grahnd, fer a bleedin' boyke!
Reg: ee's avin you on mate.
Colin: Naar, strait aahp. I saw ver ticket anging off ver frame. Saah, I sez too imm, u shore mate? foive fackin graahnd? Enn ee sez, yeah, 'cos its made er yer Carbin fybah, lyke wot vey uze on vem formula wun caahs.
Reg: Muy aulled fackin' Rawleigh all steel, cost mee two pahnd ten ahnd vat waz sekind aahnd, aan it woz fackin' ancsheent ven. I reckin ver furst bloak 'oo ohned it masst 'ave been fackin' Nowah.
Colin: Mate, yer livin' in ver fackin' dark ayyjis. Matey sez vat a fackin spare weal for that fakin' raycin byke was about two grand. Eee reckinned vat sum bloke, bort wun o' vese ahn stack it on fackin' Ebay a week lay 'err for two grahn. Rekkins vat he ohnlee rowed it abaaht a mile, didn't get on wiv it. Wot a mug. Enn, he sez vat a Carbin Fybah byke doughn last more van a few years, coz of all the loawd onnit.
Reg: Vat sahnds lahk a fackin' waste a munny a me. Kud bye a fackin' decent motah faw vat kinda moohlah an' still have an Arab leff to buy a racin' byke wiv, wun wivv a metyll frame, allyminyum, or suffink like vat.
Colin: Ee reckin vat sum maytee, wot he noze in sum syyklin club aahp Walfamstah way, ee woz dahn in Balumm aahnd ee getz itt by sum fackin' Minicaab. Fackin' byke shattaz lyke fackin' glaarss, frayme, frahnt weal, it's facked, bitz evrywear. So anyway, ver old Bill saw itt and cums ova, eehnd maytee in ver cab, staarts ter mayke aaht he karnt speke English propa ehnd, eye ayn't beein raycist, butt...
Reg: Well, eye ope ee woz bleedin' ensured. Eye mene, maytee on ver byke sahnds lyke eez gotta kayse against imm fawr dew care. Ennyway, wot appenned?
Colin: Dunno mate, vatts all he tawld me. Bet ee woz sick as a parritt ova vat.
Reg: Ennyway, yew kno Aahlf wot used to work aat ver toire fakktree?
Colin: Wot Aahlf 'oos in ver Skrubs fawr arrmd robbry?
Reg: Yahyr, vat Aalf. Wayll, when we woz abaht fawteen, wee wenn on a tour of Balumm.
Colin: Nott Frahnce ven?
Reg: Naah, we only got as fahr as Balumm, ee got in un argewment wiv a Copper an' clocked him wun. Saar, I add ter fack off ome on me own. Appy daze.
Colin: Yerrr, appy daze. Enny haar, ere's me stop, see yer mate!
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