Clapham Omniblog - Alternative comedy

In which Colin and Reg casts their mincers over alternative comedy

*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*

Reg: Ryte, wot yer fink abaaht al'errna'ive commer'ee Col?
Col: whehhl, eye aynt reely er fan, ter be onnist.
Reg: Nahh, me neeva. I fink itz cheep enn nawrsty.
Reg: Ownnlee vere's vis buk wot vat Lexi Sail's writ ennn vazye woz torkin abaaht in mee Daiwy Miwwa. Errr ay Wervue, sorta fing.
Col: Spose vey gottta reely, seen azz eeza bittova leftee.
Reg: You darn't lyke ver Daiwy Miwwa der yer Col?
Col: Naar, eye preefurze mee Doyly Moyle, cos I finks vat ver Miwwa's abaaht arfa step from bean ver fackin' Sewshullist Wurka awr yer Mawnen Staa. Eye mean, eye rekkins moast ervem fackin' Sewshullist Wurka reaydeis eyverr duzen't fackin' work enneyweyze or veyze eyverr a loader fackin' annerkissts, awr problee sortsa cants vatz gawt sum sorta fackin' wunovem nawn-bleedin' jawb lyke wots veyve fahnd ahta ver fackin'  Gardin paypa. Enneyway, yewse woz sayin' Reg?
Reg: Wehl, oym glaad vat yer gawt vat awf yer fackin' chest mayte, but eyes sorta ergreess wivya aahnn vat.
Col: Eye mean vat 'bruvverz ahat' sorta mentaller'ee vats wot facked Brittin up in ver six'ees enn sevennies mayte.
Reg: Wheyll, eye carn't fawlt yerr lawgic on vat scoare mayte, yerr ownlee go'a luk att ver caor industwee Britsh Laylandeeye enn ver lyke enn see wot voze cants did ter ver facker. Eye mene, veyz gawt bloakes verr, ooze tryinn ter mayke veze fackin' awfull motahhs lyke ver fackin Oarstin Alligrow ennnd ver fackin' Mawriss fackin' Maweennoze, eye mene vey woz nahr Alfer Romyaers woz vey? Ehhnnd,,, verrs veze fackin shawp stewids vatz callen ver pawr facker's aaht on bleedin' stryyke evree five cantin' minnits, eh?
Col: Zaclee mayte. Nuvva fing vat facks me awff is veze bleedin' Shampooing Sewshllists. Eyye meenz, vey kumz frawm veeze spensive Middul claarrs Ohmz, ehnnd vey awll try ter mayke aahht veyze bleedin' aahrrd dun bye, enn veyz got veze Awxbow Oonyversa'ee fackin; degroys lyke, enn veyze wayystid fackin' fyvee awr so yeerrs inna fackin Ooneryversa'ee, oernlee saarhs vat vey can fack abaaht in ver fackin' Fatlites, enn ven sum Prerjewcer frahm ver fackin' Beebeecee or Eye'eefackin'vee seezem, enn ee fackin synes emm ahp fawr sum sorta commdee prargrham, lyke enn vey getz fackin' faymuss enn rich.
Reg: Eye gets yawr driftwood completely mayte. Eye mene, if veyz wanna fack abahht in ver sorta frinnje fear'ahr, enn gitt awn ver 'elly, eye mean, dahn deenye sahm pawr wurkin' clarss facker' lyke yew and meezes dustbin lids frahm gettin' err charnce att enn Oony veresa'ee fackin' degrie awr fackin' Oonyversa'ee fackin' edgercayshun. Fer fack's sayke, eh?.

Col: Enn anuvver fing wot reelllee facks me or abaaht'emm eis vat, veyr awl awr payd ahpp membiz awv ver fakkin' Laybia Par'ee, enn veyz awl awlwyse tryner letyar nahw abahht it muchas vey kan, awwh veyz gaon awn abaht ahr veyz wasan Labiyah Par'ee mamba enn eye finks ter meeself, wehyll, eif yewza reayll fackin' sewshullist, ven, yewda bee livvin innan Cahnsil Aaahse ahp fackin' Acknee awr fackin' Tottnim ehnnd yewda givin yer moolah awayter gud cawzes, jergree?

Reg: Wheyll, vat is ver crux orv ver matta, coz vat brings uz rarvar convenentlee bakterr ver al'erna'ive commer'ee subjikt, lyke. Goan bakterr Lexi Sails, ryte, ee, kumz frawm sum skaase 'ome, ryte. Eye betts ee wuz lurnder reed awn fackin' Kyle Marx, yew reckkin?

Col: Eye gree wivya awn vat, eye meen vatz juss lyke voze Millivolt bruvvers wot woz in ver Labeeyaar Par'yy. Eye meen, it kaarn be nachrell ter be anngen abaaht wiv pepulle lyke Livvensten end Wedgie Teapot diskussin awlsortza lefff wing dawgma, when yewze awnly a fackin' dustbin lidd enn yer aynt add ver opperchewna'ee ter see a baalinced aregewmint, yer gree?

Reg: Wehyll, vatz bean ver problem wiv abaaht mawst orya bleedin' skoolz, veyze awl fulluv vese fackin' Mawrxsist fackin' teecherzz, wot doan teachum ann propah edjercayshun, buytt, vey fillahp vehr fackin' nogginz wivall vis fackin' leff wing dawgma.

Col: Cawze vats awl paart owv ver plaan, ennit? Cawze veyze mayken aann reddy mayde leff winger ricipteev aujence. Sahw, veeze sahw-cawlled 'Awl'err'naeeve Cummeejens, aave awl gotter reddy mixd ahwp aujence.

Reg: Sahr, eye sawr vat vat Lexi Sails, he ownlee gotta gaff in fackin' 'ampstid. Eye meenz, yer problee gotta aave a foo millyun quid aahp yer awld Ma'ress ter be able ter affawd a fackin' gaff in vat sorta Manna.Eh?

Col: Enn, itza self puppetchuratin' indistree, ennit? Coz voze leff wing fackkaz iz awnly edding fool to ver fyare by byinn iz bleedin' Capn Hook?

Reg: Yehr, enn ven yew gotta lode awv vehr maytes in ver fackin; meedja, enn veyz awl biggin ver facka's staff awp sahr sahme pawr fackin' lefty on ver minnimam fackin' wayge, gehrs enn byes ver facker.

Col: Yehr, enn ivvy rytes mawr shitt, venn ee kud problee goan bye anuvver aahse in 'ampstid iffee wanned, eh?

Reg: Lyke vat Benn fackin' Eltham, ee maykes his enrance goan awn stayge enn raggin Margrit Fatcha. Nahr, it my surprizeya ter naw vat eye aave gawt a lawed orv respect fawr wot Margrit Fatcha dunn ferr Brittin. Coz ver Labiyaar Par'ee unner ole Jim Calleran, vey realy facked it all aahp, eye mean yew reemember ver fackin' Winta orv discontent in fackin sevvenny ate? Ver fackin' cuntree was abaht fackin' finished, enn wot did yewze get, yewze aahd a choice enn Margrit Fatcha, gawd resta, shee, grebbed ver fackin' cuntree by verr backovitz fackin artie rolla, enn fackin' draggd itt back in'er prosperry'ee, dinnshe?

Col: Nahr eyeer, nevvan spected eyed eer yewze say vat, coz eye meen, wot woz ver fakcin' all'errna'ive? Mykyl fackin' Foot? Eye mene, eye mene, fackin' turnin' aahp at ver fackin' Cenner'aarf wiv a fackin' Daffel kaote awn, eye mene, shaar sum fackin' rispekt faw awl voze wot sakkrifyced emselves fawr awr kuntreeenn verr fackin waor, eh?

Reg: Yeh yeh, uze ryte vehr mayte, eye mene, aas a fackin' passerfist, ee aaad ver lukshree awf of goan awn voze fackin' Aldymastern mawrchiz, baan ver fackin' bawb enn all vat sorta fackin' tork.

Col: Enn, when Maggy woz goan ter sort aaht ver fackin' Fawklinds, ee, Footee, he wuz onver fackin' 'elly ehnn ee woz givvin it sum sorta conchy fackin' tork abaaht aah ee owped vat 'eevin aat vis levvinff ahr, vat vey kud still rabbit abaaht it sum mawr.' Baht, give Maggye her dew, she dint fack abaaht. She kud see ver fackin' bigga pitcher. Enn, shie nuu vat iff she gotta viktree in ver fackin' Fawklinds, venn veze ovvver fackin' wurl leedies woz gonna aveter rekkignize vat cos  shee woz a burd ann'all, she want gonna be nahw fackin' pushova.

Reg: Enn eye mene, ware woz awl vez fackin' lefty commeejuns ven? Enn venn yewze gets shawt of fackin' Footee . Enn, yewze getz vat ginja windbag Kinnik, ehnn eesz gettin' awl veez yung pawp staarz inter sum sorta fackin' moosik fing called Redd fackin' Widge, awar summit lykatt.

Col: Wheyll, viz was ver sorta problimm when vey startz ter blaur ver fackin bahndries, eehnd venn veez sahw-callud fackin' Commeejuns yewzinn ver fackin' polly'hicks fawr verr maw'eereeall.

Reg: Eend, yule see vat raahnd vis sorta 'ime, aw voze awld skule Commeejuns lyke Morkim enn Wyse, enn yer 'ommy 'oopers, enn yer Maahnkaahses, vey woz awl gettin' pushed aahtov telly coz vey'd gawt all vese yung fackin' lefty Edds ov fackin' sahr-callud 'Loight 'enner'ainment' oo wuz bukking ver fackin' axts.

Col: Yerr, eye mene, awl voze aulder Commeejuns, vey err woz vewwy baahdlee 'itt bye ver fackin' nu kidz cahmin in ter vert fackin' seen. Eh?

Reg: Enn it ull gawn dahnill sinz venn. Bleedin ell, me stawp, ta ra Col!