In which Colin and Reg discuss the wisdom of the congestion charge and flying carpets
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Ere ere Col, ahw lorng dew fink et'urrd 'ake us 'er get terr verr Dawktors over enn 'annin' 'ahn? Ovva mornin'?
Col: Wheyy, all depenns wort tymes yew woz gahn myte?
Reg: Baaht nyne in verr morrnin.
Col: Fack me, yewse wanna be aaht of verr aahse by baaht fackin' ate if yewse goona yewse a mowtah.
Reg: Eyes finkin' vat eye ennt gonna get ova verr 'aahnin 'aahn flahova fore arf ate, eye myte as well gits meesell a fackin' flayhn' karpit lyke, wot vose Ayrabs yewsed ter ave in yer fackin' Allybarberz dayse, eh?
Col: Eye woz on verr auld 'aahnin' 'aahn' flayhova verr over day, enn eye woz stack in fackin' traarfik coz vey'd coahned orff ver fackin' near sahd lane, ennay?
Reg: Wot worz vat for myte?
Col: Fack noze, koz verr wurnt nar fackin' wurks goan oarnn lyke. Jus a loader syenze end wun orvem sez furty limit. Eye mene wort a fackin' liber'yy, eye worz stannin' inna fackin' kew orv cahrs, stayshnree lyke, enn vat wurnt verr wurst orv it.
Reg: Wurst?
Col: Yeah, verr woz errnllee sahm auld fackker orn a fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ah, enn ee aad an fackin' Jack Rassill fackin' Terryerr in verr fackin bawskit orn verr frahnt ehnnn, ee ad iz woife or sumuvva bird orn his fackin laaapp, gahn alorng.
Reg: Ahyr faast wuz he goan?
Col: Fackin' faastur van mee. Ee mustav bee doin' awl orv abaht six bleedin mahles an aahr, frew verr fackin' coanz, eye meene fackin' ell, eym abardin' bye ver fackin' oyway coad, enn ees droyvin vat fackin skoo'ahh frew a fackin kahned orff ayria lyke.
Reg: Oi bett yewse wishes vat yewz adda fackin' flahyn' karpit venn? Aye meenez yar woodennt ave ter pay yer fackkin' caunjestyun chorge, wood yar? Aye meenez s'awlmost lyke vat fackin' awld git woz givin ya 'oo fingers up, lyke, eh?
Col: Wheyll, eye reckkinz vat yew kud avoid verr fackin' cunnjestyun chorge if yewze aaadd a fackin' flahyn karpit, coz it aynt putten aahht narr fackin miishins, eh? Eye mene iffs vem Smort kaahz cans get errway wivaht payin ennee raahd tax and nah conjestyun chorge, venn a fackin' peaceerr karpit shuddennt eyva.
Reg: Why yew fink voze Ayrabbs storpped usen vem?
Col: Cawse vey add all viz oyl vey waz sitten awn lyke, ehnn when yorze motahs kumm popleearr, venn it aardlee dun myke naahr sense ter fack abaht makin' karpits, 'cept fur stikin' on yer flawr orv yer aahses or yer maahd utts or whaevver.
Reg: Shore myte, but wotz wivv all yore green bollux nahrdayze spaahted by yerr fackin' trendee leftiz, yewd fink vey'd be kanny nuff ter start makin' vem aginn?
Col: Yore fackin' ryte Reg, eye menes yer wooden't 'ave all vat fackin' bovva wiv ver 'aahnin 'ahn flahova woodya? Jusss git awhn yore fackin' karpit and fack awf, eh?
Reg: Ere, ere, Col, baht aahd yer fackin' karpitt nahr wear ter gahr? Eye menes, it erred need 'err ave sum sorta karpet nav or summat, eye menes ahw voze fackin fings work back in yer Allybarber's 'ime?
Col: Worl, errs yer fackin' magik spells or summat, awr spoze yer aave ter tayke yer nu karpitt enn walk dahn ter yer lowkul Mawsq or summat ennn ver awl Immmyaam he problee sez a few wurds attit enn, Abdul's yer unkel, myte.
Reg: Eye mene yew aave ter 'ake ann fackin' test ter dryve itt or summat? Awr wood it be autumnus lyke, voze fakkin Googgill cars wots got nahr fackin' dryva sittun aahp verr frahnt?
Col: Wheyl yewed ave ter putt inn sahm sorta infrastructha ter mawderate it, ehh? Ovvawyse ett erd be err fackin' freeforawll. Eye meene yer'd ran verr fackin' risker getting craahshed inna, wunt yer?
Reg: Royt, yerrd be flahan alorng ova 'acknee say, awn yer fackin' karpitt, mindern yer ahwn fackin' sell, enn sahm stoopidd facka myte craaash inna yah?
Col: Wheyll, verrs bahnd ter be yurr teevin trahballs ter staartt wivv, enn ven yer've gawt yer ayr trahffic ter deal wiv, eye mean. Ahr meeen wot abaht Heaffrow and yer Gaahtwik flaaht parves?
Reg: Yeah bart, eye means wot chew gonna do wiv ya karpit, say if yers gahn ahwt ter ver cinnymar or aaht sumwear shawpin?
Col: Spoze verr 'd ave ter be sum sorta Karpit enn ryde sorta fing, awr, yerrd just aave sum sorta wayreaahse wear yer kud rawl ahhp ver facker enn stik ett enna rack awr summat enn pay a quid lyke and stick on a fackin' tikkit whyle yer gehrs gerhn abaaht yer bizniss, aye?
Reg: Eye fink vats a brullyant eyedeeah mayte, baht eye spoze vat if yewze wurnt goan farr, vat yew kud juss rawl ver facka aahp enn avvitt ahnder yer 'ahm, eye mene it wud be a bittorva fackin' 'nkumbrance, baht ett aynta fackin' purrfick wahld, ez ett Col?
Col: Wheyl, yerr 'ave itt ver nayle orn ver fackin' nawgin ent ya? If yewze gawt a loawda wyves enn fahsands a kids, lyke summa vem immygrunts, naw eyem nawt being a rayshullist , butt, vey's orbviarsely gawt err gitt arahnd enna lahmp. Sahr, vey awbveeuslee ass ter ave a bigga karpit. Stans ter reesun , dern itt? Errn yew wunner wanna be avvin 'err lugg vat facka abaht unner yore fackin' arm, coz iterred be a fackin' faag ter ave ter trye and karry vat abaht awn her bleedin' Jack, eh?
Reg: Nahr, azz yorz awn ver bleedin' subjikt orv yer Allybarbyerr, woz he befaw awl viz fackin' sharroni lawr kumm in or summat?
Col: Zackllee, eye mean sawl very wehll avvin yer fawty fackin feeves an all vat, baaht yer gawta make yawr krymes wurfwyle ennya? Eye mene if yawze stannin ter looze err fackin' rabber band ova a fackin' bit of feevin, s'gawta be wurf it, coz etts gonna be a fackin' stigmurr like, veys all gonna noze yerze a fackin Tea Leaf, ennay?
Reg: I meenez, gawnar bakka vem dayze, vey wazzant ewsin ver facking awl Mark 'oo Jaggz woz ter der blaags woz vey? Eye menes it woz probllee sum old fackin' fred bear bit ovva an orffkat orva fackin' peace of an awld Mawrokkin karpit wot veyz managed ter nik ahht ver fackin' kasbarr, eh? Problee ringed ver fackin' pattin sahr vat ver awld Bill wunnant be abel ter rekiggnize it? Sawt a kat and shat lyke? Ringa karpitt?
Col: Yer, I spoze vey'd goan awld aahp a fackin' waygiz Kamil fur ver fackin' Sheckills.
Reg: Ennyahw, weeze getting orf ovv ver poin, ennwee?
Col: Shore Reg, eye finks verrs a fewcher in Karpitts baaht, eye fink ve Ayrahbs is been kanny abaht it.
Reg: Wyze vat ven Col?
Col: Coz vey've gawt it sewed aahp enn 'ey?
Reg: See yer joak naar,
Col: Wot eye mennt woz, vat veyerr sitten awn fackin' millyun of barills orv oyl enn veyze gonner mayke shore vat ezz awl fackin' gawn afore vey starts mayken fackin' flayhn karpits aginn, stans ter raisin dahn ett?
Reg: Ere Col, yew reckkin vat yewd ave ter ave a karpiit for prayin awn lyke voze wazznims take ter ver Mawsqe? Orr wood ett be a fackin' eyebrid wott yewze kud flah baaht awn enn venn tayke inter verr Mawsqe enn do yerr reverence awn? Jaest arskin coz itza difffrent kulchewer ennit?
Col: Bit lahke avvin wunnovemm's Tawyota Previouses venn? Wotz petrill enn lectrik wenn yew wannit.
Reg: Wheyll, eye fink itza fackin' grate eyedeer, enn vat 'aahnin' 'aahn' flahyova erll enn ahp bean a monnyment ter a lorst age, enn verr awly facka's awn itz gernner be fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ahs. Fack me, ere's me stawp, ta ra Coal.
Col: Wheyy, all depenns wort tymes yew woz gahn myte?
Reg: Baaht nyne in verr morrnin.
Col: Fack me, yewse wanna be aaht of verr aahse by baaht fackin' ate if yewse goona yewse a mowtah.
Reg: Eyes finkin' vat eye ennt gonna get ova verr 'aahnin 'aahn flahova fore arf ate, eye myte as well gits meesell a fackin' flayhn' karpit lyke, wot vose Ayrabs yewsed ter ave in yer fackin' Allybarberz dayse, eh?
Col: Eye woz on verr auld 'aahnin' 'aahn' flayhova verr over day, enn eye woz stack in fackin' traarfik coz vey'd coahned orff ver fackin' near sahd lane, ennay?
Reg: Wot worz vat for myte?
Col: Fack noze, koz verr wurnt nar fackin' wurks goan oarnn lyke. Jus a loader syenze end wun orvem sez furty limit. Eye mene wort a fackin' liber'yy, eye worz stannin' inna fackin' kew orv cahrs, stayshnree lyke, enn vat wurnt verr wurst orv it.
Reg: Wurst?
Col: Yeah, verr woz errnllee sahm auld fackker orn a fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ah, enn ee aad an fackin' Jack Rassill fackin' Terryerr in verr fackin bawskit orn verr frahnt ehnnn, ee ad iz woife or sumuvva bird orn his fackin laaapp, gahn alorng.
Reg: Ahyr faast wuz he goan?
Col: Fackin' faastur van mee. Ee mustav bee doin' awl orv abaht six bleedin mahles an aahr, frew verr fackin' coanz, eye meene fackin' ell, eym abardin' bye ver fackin' oyway coad, enn ees droyvin vat fackin skoo'ahh frew a fackin kahned orff ayria lyke.
Reg: Oi bett yewse wishes vat yewz adda fackin' flahyn' karpit venn? Aye meenez yar woodennt ave ter pay yer fackkin' caunjestyun chorge, wood yar? Aye meenez s'awlmost lyke vat fackin' awld git woz givin ya 'oo fingers up, lyke, eh?
Col: Wheyll, eye reckkinz vat yew kud avoid verr fackin' cunnjestyun chorge if yewze aaadd a fackin' flahyn karpit, coz it aynt putten aahht narr fackin miishins, eh? Eye mene iffs vem Smort kaahz cans get errway wivaht payin ennee raahd tax and nah conjestyun chorge, venn a fackin' peaceerr karpit shuddennt eyva.
Reg: Why yew fink voze Ayrabbs storpped usen vem?
Col: Cawse vey add all viz oyl vey waz sitten awn lyke, ehnn when yorze motahs kumm popleearr, venn it aardlee dun myke naahr sense ter fack abaht makin' karpits, 'cept fur stikin' on yer flawr orv yer aahses or yer maahd utts or whaevver.
Reg: Shore myte, but wotz wivv all yore green bollux nahrdayze spaahted by yerr fackin' trendee leftiz, yewd fink vey'd be kanny nuff ter start makin' vem aginn?
Col: Yore fackin' ryte Reg, eye menes yer wooden't 'ave all vat fackin' bovva wiv ver 'aahnin 'ahn flahova woodya? Jusss git awhn yore fackin' karpit and fack awf, eh?
Reg: Ere, ere, Col, baht aahd yer fackin' karpitt nahr wear ter gahr? Eye menes, it erred need 'err ave sum sorta karpet nav or summat, eye menes ahw voze fackin fings work back in yer Allybarber's 'ime?
Col: Worl, errs yer fackin' magik spells or summat, awr spoze yer aave ter tayke yer nu karpitt enn walk dahn ter yer lowkul Mawsq or summat ennn ver awl Immmyaam he problee sez a few wurds attit enn, Abdul's yer unkel, myte.
Reg: Eye mene yew aave ter 'ake ann fackin' test ter dryve itt or summat? Awr wood it be autumnus lyke, voze fakkin Googgill cars wots got nahr fackin' dryva sittun aahp verr frahnt?
Col: Wheyl yewed ave ter putt inn sahm sorta infrastructha ter mawderate it, ehh? Ovvawyse ett erd be err fackin' freeforawll. Eye meene yer'd ran verr fackin' risker getting craahshed inna, wunt yer?
Reg: Royt, yerrd be flahan alorng ova 'acknee say, awn yer fackin' karpitt, mindern yer ahwn fackin' sell, enn sahm stoopidd facka myte craaash inna yah?
Col: Wheyll, verrs bahnd ter be yurr teevin trahballs ter staartt wivv, enn ven yer've gawt yer ayr trahffic ter deal wiv, eye mean. Ahr meeen wot abaht Heaffrow and yer Gaahtwik flaaht parves?
Reg: Yeah bart, eye means wot chew gonna do wiv ya karpit, say if yers gahn ahwt ter ver cinnymar or aaht sumwear shawpin?
Col: Spoze verr 'd ave ter be sum sorta Karpit enn ryde sorta fing, awr, yerrd just aave sum sorta wayreaahse wear yer kud rawl ahhp ver facker enn stik ett enna rack awr summat enn pay a quid lyke and stick on a fackin' tikkit whyle yer gehrs gerhn abaaht yer bizniss, aye?
Reg: Eye fink vats a brullyant eyedeeah mayte, baht eye spoze vat if yewze wurnt goan farr, vat yew kud juss rawl ver facka aahp enn avvitt ahnder yer 'ahm, eye mene it wud be a bittorva fackin' 'nkumbrance, baht ett aynta fackin' purrfick wahld, ez ett Col?
Col: Wheyl, yerr 'ave itt ver nayle orn ver fackin' nawgin ent ya? If yewze gawt a loawda wyves enn fahsands a kids, lyke summa vem immygrunts, naw eyem nawt being a rayshullist , butt, vey's orbviarsely gawt err gitt arahnd enna lahmp. Sahr, vey awbveeuslee ass ter ave a bigga karpit. Stans ter reesun , dern itt? Errn yew wunner wanna be avvin 'err lugg vat facka abaht unner yore fackin' arm, coz iterred be a fackin' faag ter ave ter trye and karry vat abaht awn her bleedin' Jack, eh?
Reg: Nahr, azz yorz awn ver bleedin' subjikt orv yer Allybarbyerr, woz he befaw awl viz fackin' sharroni lawr kumm in or summat?
Col: Zackllee, eye mean sawl very wehll avvin yer fawty fackin feeves an all vat, baaht yer gawta make yawr krymes wurfwyle ennya? Eye mene if yawze stannin ter looze err fackin' rabber band ova a fackin' bit of feevin, s'gawta be wurf it, coz etts gonna be a fackin' stigmurr like, veys all gonna noze yerze a fackin Tea Leaf, ennay?
Reg: I meenez, gawnar bakka vem dayze, vey wazzant ewsin ver facking awl Mark 'oo Jaggz woz ter der blaags woz vey? Eye menes it woz probllee sum old fackin' fred bear bit ovva an orffkat orva fackin' peace of an awld Mawrokkin karpit wot veyz managed ter nik ahht ver fackin' kasbarr, eh? Problee ringed ver fackin' pattin sahr vat ver awld Bill wunnant be abel ter rekiggnize it? Sawt a kat and shat lyke? Ringa karpitt?
Col: Yer, I spoze vey'd goan awld aahp a fackin' waygiz Kamil fur ver fackin' Sheckills.
Reg: Ennyahw, weeze getting orf ovv ver poin, ennwee?
Col: Shore Reg, eye finks verrs a fewcher in Karpitts baaht, eye fink ve Ayrahbs is been kanny abaht it.
Reg: Wyze vat ven Col?
Col: Coz vey've gawt it sewed aahp enn 'ey?
Reg: See yer joak naar,
Col: Wot eye mennt woz, vat veyerr sitten awn fackin' millyun of barills orv oyl enn veyze gonner mayke shore vat ezz awl fackin' gawn afore vey starts mayken fackin' flayhn karpits aginn, stans ter raisin dahn ett?
Reg: Ere Col, yew reckkin vat yewd ave ter ave a karpiit for prayin awn lyke voze wazznims take ter ver Mawsqe? Orr wood ett be a fackin' eyebrid wott yewze kud flah baaht awn enn venn tayke inter verr Mawsqe enn do yerr reverence awn? Jaest arskin coz itza difffrent kulchewer ennit?
Col: Bit lahke avvin wunnovemm's Tawyota Previouses venn? Wotz petrill enn lectrik wenn yew wannit.
Reg: Wheyll, eye fink itza fackin' grate eyedeer, enn vat 'aahnin' 'aahn' flahyova erll enn ahp bean a monnyment ter a lorst age, enn verr awly facka's awn itz gernner be fackin' merbiller'ee skoo'ahs. Fack me, ere's me stawp, ta ra Coal.
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