In which Colin and Reg review sex aids from Linda Lovelips to the new robosexuality
*Please note the following is a verbatim transcription from the original pigeon cockerney*
Reg: Ere ere Col, ave a Butcha's at vis, in me Daiwy Miwwa.
Col: Oh blimey, vat looks tasty!
Reg: Yo fancy it? You kud get lucky mate, dead cert!
Col: You must be avin' a giraffe mate.
Reg: Naah, strait up Col. Ere reed it.
Col: Cowh, sarnds like a sorta bionic Barbie, doanit? Takes yer back ter Linda Lovelips doanit?
Reg: You wan hear a funny story abaht vat?
Col: Goan mate.
Reg: My cuzzin Jeff used ta live dahn Wandswurf, enn eye woz over vere wun ollerday enn we woz dahn ver Wondel which was small river off of ver Thames like, enn we fawt we sore a body floatin.'
Col: Blaahdy ell mate, wot yew do abaaht it ven?
Reg: We wenn up to a call box enn I rings up the Old Bill enn, told'em abaht wot we saw. Enn vey sent ahp a motah lawnch up ver Wandle ter ver pier. So, ver Saarge on ver boaat, he says 'shher as where it is Saan.' Sah, we gets on ver motah launch , enn we motahs dahn vere. Ennyway, cut a long story, we shows imm wheyre we saw it enn he gets a gaffer 'ook awf ve boat ryte, enn he pulls it in. We were fackin' shit scared cos we fawt it was a body, enn we was only about twelve or summat. Saah, he gets it aapon ve old gaff, enn turns aht its only a fackin' Linda Lovelips blow up dawll vat's fallen in ver warter. We felt a ryyte pair o' cants. Anyway, he was pretty good abaht it and vey woz all larrfin on ver boat, we didn't know why. Ennyway, vey drops us back on ver pier on ver Wandle and vat was vat. That's all.
Col: Well, least it wernt a real ooman body, dew member they woz advertizin vose in ver Exchange and Maart? Vey woz a bit like the old Mark Free Fawd Cor'inna, coz you had an X, XL or GXL Fawd Cor'inna end, you ad yer Linda Lovelips wiv a realistic first class diner, marf and aynuss if you woz goan for the deluxe moddill. Plus end I say plus, it kud ave sum realistic Lionel Blair.
Reg: Dew reckkin, vat enneywun eva tested vat in cawt wiv Tradin' Standids? I mean, eye aynt gawt ver best pair of mincers on ver planet but even eye, wiv me myopic condichun can see vat a plaaastic vagyna aynt ever not gonnabe as realistic as an ooman wun. Eye mean, eye'd be quoyte 'appy jus to ave ver realistic vagyna. Callin' at ver Tradesman's ent'rance aynt my cuppa Rosie Lee. But eye challenje any norrmall sorta purrson ter agree vat a piece orv melted plaaastic is in enny shape or fawm, a viable end realistic substitute for a real vagyna. Eye rests me case.
Col: Eye fink it wood be fayer ter say vat it wood be differcult ter dissergree wiv ya on vat score. Its nah surprize vat nah wun aas eva brought such a case to cawt.
Reg: Yew say vat, buuut, ver woz eye sore, anuvver vershun of Linda or summit lyke it, wiv an vibraytin Vagyna.
Col: Aah realistic wors that wun then?
Reg: I don't remember mate, it was 1979, it woz in an Exchange end Maart sumwun left in ver karzi at work.
Col: Coz yew kud ownly buy vese from eiver an add in verr Exhange and Maart or from a licenced sex shop, you know like the one up Plumsted Common Rahd, ver wun wiv all the winders all blacked aaht witch eye yewsed ter go parst on ver way ter ver Pox Clinic.
Reg: Sar, vis fackin' licence venn, woz vat lyke aavvin ann Caar licence venn? Eye mean, did yer ave ter get a fackin' prervissional furst or summat? Eye mean if yer ayn't gawt ver propah license lyke, did yer have ter ave sum facker wiv ya at ver caahnta when yew was sellin summan a fackin dilder or summat? Well, eye dunno. Eye mean, woz it lyke avvin ter ave Ell Playtes upp or summat enn avvin some facker wiv ya when yew was aht drivin as Lurner?
Col: Eye dunno, but isle tell yer summit, eye fawt eye was bein add wun tyme oi got me copy orve ver Exchange enn Maarrt. Eye add ter chek it wurnt April ver fackin' furst.
Reg: Well, wot 'append mayte?
Col: Eye turns to ver adult secshun enn I sore vis add fawr ver Lunnon Tee Vee Cenner, sellin' coschewmes, raight. So, eye fawt, raight, Lunnon TeeVee Cenner enn it add a dubbleyer twelve post code enn a Wood Lane address, loyke wot Valerie Singleton ewsed to give aaht on vose Bloo Peater appeals in ver fackin' sevenies. Sah,eye fawt vis looked lyke ver BeeBeeCee woz 'avvin' a bit of a clear ahht of summov ver auld woardrobe stuff, rayse a bit of ackers or summat. Buutt, when eye looks a clahser, s'only a fackin' trannies bleedin' olesale boo'eeq, innit? Eye felt a ryte cant for a minnit. Nota real woomin's cant, eye might add. Unfawchewnatelee.
Reg: Well, sex shops as moved on vese days Col. I mean Aaaan Summaz is mainstream, 'sin ver bleedin' igh street naw.
Col: Yew seen ver stuff vey got? I fahnd a coppy of one of vehr catalogez dahn ver kannal toe parves over ver weekend. Fackin' ell, vey've got some stuff. Eye mean ter say, ver old dayze of sum sorta plaaastic representayshun of a mayle phallis witch yer bunged in a cupple of Ever Ready HP sevins fawr your old lady ter mess arahnd wiv, s'all gone mayte, veyve got USB chargeable fings nahr.
Reg: Weyll, eye add a simmiler experience lyke wiv yore Exchange enn Maart, cos I saw sum books advver'ized in Penthaase in wun ov vem block adds, enn I fawt vese two bloaks azz been bizzy wry'inn, enn vey look lyke fackin' exspurts ohn sex. Fawteen books adver'ised enn, eye fawt vey'd writtenem all. Until I realised vat Frank & Explicit woz a warnin' to ver vooer aaand nawt ver names ov ver fackin; awfers.
Col: Ere, Reg, yew remeba vat fillm wiv Mel Smiff innit, Willt, wann it? He was un Detectivv, Enn ee woz convinced vat 'enry Wilt played by Griff Rees wosisname 'ad dun 'iz ole lady inn, enn 'ee add berried err in a fackin' hole on ver Collidge wear he was lecherer.
Reg: Yew mean lectcherer Col?
Col: Is vere enny fackin' diff'rence?
Reg: Fack noze, I nevva went ter collidge. Go on.
Col: Enny har, ver Mel Smiff carotter, ee azz vis facking load of reinfawced concrit dug awp, coz he rekkins vat Wilty azz put his auld woman dahn ver fackin' hole. Only, wot it iz ackerchewlly, iz er fackin' Linda fackin' Lovelips wiv aan eye qwoat an realistic Vagyna enn anynuss.
Reg: Wiv ver vybryater?
Col: It woz nevva menshunned. Sah Reg enn er rahndabaht way, wood yew aave sex wivv a fackin' rowbot?
Reg: Wehll, putt it vis way Col, eyed ravver aaave sex wivv er fackin' rowbot venn, wun vat was ann awddenree rowbot. Eye do aave standids.
Col: It sez inn eer ryte in yer Miwwa artikel, vat yew can desighn wot she looks lyke, dahn ter her boat race and allsorts. Eye mene, if yewse gonna spend aht ten fowsand pahnds awn a fackin' silicone Sally, yewse mite as well avve yerself suffink yer finds attractive.
Reg: Wehll, vis all starts ter get er bitt confusin, coz ver's all vese sorts er genders stuff nah, eye mene, it aynt nah longer Maan and Womaan, vers all vese ovvar tyapes of options, lyke Metrersexules enn nahr rober sexules. Eye mene, where's it gonna end? Retrersexules, they just look upp ole girlfriends, eye erd.
Col: Wehll, verr iz tork vat oomans myte seize ter exist, enn, we myte aaave awr brayns traansplan'ed inner oomanoid cider body shell, lyke on Docter ooo, wot ver cidermen are mayde lyke.
Reg: Yeah, wehll I spoze vat in vat case, long as yer got yer supply ov spare parts, yer kud live for evva?
Col: Well, vere's a fackin fawt ven, ay? Ere's me stop ta ra Reg.
Col: Oh blimey, vat looks tasty!
Reg: Yo fancy it? You kud get lucky mate, dead cert!
Col: You must be avin' a giraffe mate.
Reg: Naah, strait up Col. Ere reed it.
Col: Cowh, sarnds like a sorta bionic Barbie, doanit? Takes yer back ter Linda Lovelips doanit?
Reg: You wan hear a funny story abaht vat?
Col: Goan mate.
Reg: My cuzzin Jeff used ta live dahn Wandswurf, enn eye woz over vere wun ollerday enn we woz dahn ver Wondel which was small river off of ver Thames like, enn we fawt we sore a body floatin.'
Col: Blaahdy ell mate, wot yew do abaaht it ven?
Reg: We wenn up to a call box enn I rings up the Old Bill enn, told'em abaht wot we saw. Enn vey sent ahp a motah lawnch up ver Wandle ter ver pier. So, ver Saarge on ver boaat, he says 'shher as where it is Saan.' Sah, we gets on ver motah launch , enn we motahs dahn vere. Ennyway, cut a long story, we shows imm wheyre we saw it enn he gets a gaffer 'ook awf ve boat ryte, enn he pulls it in. We were fackin' shit scared cos we fawt it was a body, enn we was only about twelve or summat. Saah, he gets it aapon ve old gaff, enn turns aht its only a fackin' Linda Lovelips blow up dawll vat's fallen in ver warter. We felt a ryyte pair o' cants. Anyway, he was pretty good abaht it and vey woz all larrfin on ver boat, we didn't know why. Ennyway, vey drops us back on ver pier on ver Wandle and vat was vat. That's all.
Col: Well, least it wernt a real ooman body, dew member they woz advertizin vose in ver Exchange and Maart? Vey woz a bit like the old Mark Free Fawd Cor'inna, coz you had an X, XL or GXL Fawd Cor'inna end, you ad yer Linda Lovelips wiv a realistic first class diner, marf and aynuss if you woz goan for the deluxe moddill. Plus end I say plus, it kud ave sum realistic Lionel Blair.
Reg: Dew reckkin, vat enneywun eva tested vat in cawt wiv Tradin' Standids? I mean, eye aynt gawt ver best pair of mincers on ver planet but even eye, wiv me myopic condichun can see vat a plaaastic vagyna aynt ever not gonnabe as realistic as an ooman wun. Eye mean, eye'd be quoyte 'appy jus to ave ver realistic vagyna. Callin' at ver Tradesman's ent'rance aynt my cuppa Rosie Lee. But eye challenje any norrmall sorta purrson ter agree vat a piece orv melted plaaastic is in enny shape or fawm, a viable end realistic substitute for a real vagyna. Eye rests me case.
Col: Eye fink it wood be fayer ter say vat it wood be differcult ter dissergree wiv ya on vat score. Its nah surprize vat nah wun aas eva brought such a case to cawt.
Reg: Yew say vat, buuut, ver woz eye sore, anuvver vershun of Linda or summit lyke it, wiv an vibraytin Vagyna.
Col: Aah realistic wors that wun then?
Reg: I don't remember mate, it was 1979, it woz in an Exchange end Maart sumwun left in ver karzi at work.
Col: Coz yew kud ownly buy vese from eiver an add in verr Exhange and Maart or from a licenced sex shop, you know like the one up Plumsted Common Rahd, ver wun wiv all the winders all blacked aaht witch eye yewsed ter go parst on ver way ter ver Pox Clinic.
Reg: Sar, vis fackin' licence venn, woz vat lyke aavvin ann Caar licence venn? Eye mean, did yer ave ter get a fackin' prervissional furst or summat? Eye mean if yer ayn't gawt ver propah license lyke, did yer have ter ave sum facker wiv ya at ver caahnta when yew was sellin summan a fackin dilder or summat? Well, eye dunno. Eye mean, woz it lyke avvin ter ave Ell Playtes upp or summat enn avvin some facker wiv ya when yew was aht drivin as Lurner?
Col: Eye dunno, but isle tell yer summit, eye fawt eye was bein add wun tyme oi got me copy orve ver Exchange enn Maarrt. Eye add ter chek it wurnt April ver fackin' furst.
Reg: Well, wot 'append mayte?
Col: Eye turns to ver adult secshun enn I sore vis add fawr ver Lunnon Tee Vee Cenner, sellin' coschewmes, raight. So, eye fawt, raight, Lunnon TeeVee Cenner enn it add a dubbleyer twelve post code enn a Wood Lane address, loyke wot Valerie Singleton ewsed to give aaht on vose Bloo Peater appeals in ver fackin' sevenies. Sah,eye fawt vis looked lyke ver BeeBeeCee woz 'avvin' a bit of a clear ahht of summov ver auld woardrobe stuff, rayse a bit of ackers or summat. Buutt, when eye looks a clahser, s'only a fackin' trannies bleedin' olesale boo'eeq, innit? Eye felt a ryte cant for a minnit. Nota real woomin's cant, eye might add. Unfawchewnatelee.
Reg: Well, sex shops as moved on vese days Col. I mean Aaaan Summaz is mainstream, 'sin ver bleedin' igh street naw.
Col: Yew seen ver stuff vey got? I fahnd a coppy of one of vehr catalogez dahn ver kannal toe parves over ver weekend. Fackin' ell, vey've got some stuff. Eye mean ter say, ver old dayze of sum sorta plaaastic representayshun of a mayle phallis witch yer bunged in a cupple of Ever Ready HP sevins fawr your old lady ter mess arahnd wiv, s'all gone mayte, veyve got USB chargeable fings nahr.
Reg: Weyll, eye add a simmiler experience lyke wiv yore Exchange enn Maart, cos I saw sum books advver'ized in Penthaase in wun ov vem block adds, enn I fawt vese two bloaks azz been bizzy wry'inn, enn vey look lyke fackin' exspurts ohn sex. Fawteen books adver'ised enn, eye fawt vey'd writtenem all. Until I realised vat Frank & Explicit woz a warnin' to ver vooer aaand nawt ver names ov ver fackin; awfers.
Col: Ere, Reg, yew remeba vat fillm wiv Mel Smiff innit, Willt, wann it? He was un Detectivv, Enn ee woz convinced vat 'enry Wilt played by Griff Rees wosisname 'ad dun 'iz ole lady inn, enn 'ee add berried err in a fackin' hole on ver Collidge wear he was lecherer.
Reg: Yew mean lectcherer Col?
Col: Is vere enny fackin' diff'rence?
Reg: Fack noze, I nevva went ter collidge. Go on.
Col: Enny har, ver Mel Smiff carotter, ee azz vis facking load of reinfawced concrit dug awp, coz he rekkins vat Wilty azz put his auld woman dahn ver fackin' hole. Only, wot it iz ackerchewlly, iz er fackin' Linda fackin' Lovelips wiv aan eye qwoat an realistic Vagyna enn anynuss.
Reg: Wiv ver vybryater?
Col: It woz nevva menshunned. Sah Reg enn er rahndabaht way, wood yew aave sex wivv a fackin' rowbot?
Reg: Wehll, putt it vis way Col, eyed ravver aaave sex wivv er fackin' rowbot venn, wun vat was ann awddenree rowbot. Eye do aave standids.
Col: It sez inn eer ryte in yer Miwwa artikel, vat yew can desighn wot she looks lyke, dahn ter her boat race and allsorts. Eye mene, if yewse gonna spend aht ten fowsand pahnds awn a fackin' silicone Sally, yewse mite as well avve yerself suffink yer finds attractive.
Reg: Wehll, vis all starts ter get er bitt confusin, coz ver's all vese sorts er genders stuff nah, eye mene, it aynt nah longer Maan and Womaan, vers all vese ovvar tyapes of options, lyke Metrersexules enn nahr rober sexules. Eye mene, where's it gonna end? Retrersexules, they just look upp ole girlfriends, eye erd.
Col: Wehll, verr iz tork vat oomans myte seize ter exist, enn, we myte aaave awr brayns traansplan'ed inner oomanoid cider body shell, lyke on Docter ooo, wot ver cidermen are mayde lyke.
Reg: Yeah, wehll I spoze vat in vat case, long as yer got yer supply ov spare parts, yer kud live for evva?
Col: Well, vere's a fackin fawt ven, ay? Ere's me stop ta ra Reg.
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